To not want to be wrap around care for my ex

[Missmuffet28]

DS 10 starts secondary school in sept it’s a little further away than the primary and the start/finish times are slightly different by 10-15 mins.
we have a two week arrangement
wk 1 I drop off at school every day he picks up on Tuesday and Thursday and has DS for tea. He only has him for tea because he doesn’t want to eat Into work hours to drop him off at school in the morning
wk2 he picks up Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and has over night which then rolls into his weekend with DS so he’s dropping him to school on Wednesday and Friday.
Ex is now making a fuss and saying he can’t stick to the agreed arrangements and wants me to do all school runs on wk 1 but then pick DS up from me at 4:15 for tea and do his Wed drop off on wk 2 by dropping ds back to me on a Wed morn before school for me to take him to school.

I have a full time job also and I already work flexibly to fulfill my allocation of school runs.
but obviously have to make this time up.

I do however work at home most of the time.

first he claimed it was the times, I sent him link for gov guidelines on flexible working.
then he claimed it was actually because him and his partner only have 1 car.

after many back and forth petty texts about how he was flexible two and a half years ago when I broke my leg 😂😂 (someone should send the guy a medal) I’m left with the below and I just don’t know how to respond.
AIBU to not want to be his wrap around care I don’t want to have to make more hours up at work because he can’t sort his life out.

Ok so on DS overnight week -
Tuesday and Thursday we can pick up DS from school.
NewPartner is going to ask to work from home every other Friday so he can be dropped to breakfast club and picked up from school.

We can’t do the Wednesday morning drop off to school. So DS can be dropped off to you at 07.45 on her way to work.

On the week we have DS Tuesday and Thursday for tea neither of us can do school pickup but one of us can pick him up from yours at 4.15.
But if one or both of our job patterns change it would have to be reviewed .

I can beat that - me and DH have landed up having to take responsibility for DNs because their dad can't be bothered to turn up and pick them up. If SIL is nowhere near school, there's not much option - someone has to pick him up and their dad certainly isn't.

I do agree with you though. It's INSANE.

Is there a completely new arrangement that may work better for both 🤔

How would you resolve this if you weren’t divorced?

You are definitely not to blame.

it sounds similar to my situation, being flexible and child focused is not a green card to take the piss. It has to go both ways otherwise you start feeling resentful and he gets more entitled.

draw a line in the sand and stick to your guns.

these guys are such dickheads, thinking they are father of the year because they do slightly more than they used to when they were partnered. It’s really not that hard. Women do it every bloody day.

as pp said, his days his problem

I'd write back and say " sorry I can't do that. we will have to keep arrangements the way they are. "

That's irrelevant though as their situation would probably be a lot different.
That's like saying any old hypothetical.
They aren't a unit, she's not his babysitter, they aren't a team they're co parents. And he's not co-ing his side!
This is so infuriating I really feel for you. Hope you manage to hold firm. I'm sure he'll make you feel like the worst person ever for it though

I’m not saying that you’re being unreasonable, but having been in similar situations so many time, over the years, try to remember that your child and their wellbeing is your priority. If that means you make more adjustments than your ex does, then I’d do it, for them, not for your ex.

Given that DS has SEN, are there any breakfast/ after school support groups in place? It might be worth checking out whether there is any provision in place in the first instance.

Of course OP remembers her son is her priority, she knows her son better than you.

That doesn’t mean she should bend over backwards to make things easier for her ex, she works too.

She’s not the babysitter, the wrap around care or the au pair. She’s the child’s mother. And before both parents start digging in, they need to remember they co-parent their child (yes, that means they are a team). They have a child who needs to get to and from school everyday whether they are married or divorced. So how do they come together as a team and work this out? I mean, they even have a ringer in the new wife to share the load three ways.

He doesn’t want to work with op as a team though. She’s the one taking all the weight when he says he can’t, including holidays, inset days etc… and he now has a partner whereas op is single (or at least doesn’t have an involved partner) by the sound of it. If he were a team player, he’d ensure there was give and take, not just take.

Ask the school what after school clubs they run - your son should be able to also wait in the library for his dad

I wonder if it’s time to rethink your arrangements now ds is at secondary school?
things will change hugely with his routine curriculum and social wise, trust us! as a parent of teens I saw a huge change in how much they are home!
When my (now grown) step kids moved up to secondary school we moved to every other weekend. I know this means the burden of childcare falls mainly on you but maybe if ds went to say every other Friday to Monday you’d all get some better quality of time with hi
, and he’d have more stability?

Where do you both live in relation to school? Our comprehensive has busses for anyone out of walking distance so could he get the bus to yours or his dads? At least if he is getting the bus home then you don’t actually miss any work. Or any family that can help on either side? His dad is being useless but mum’s are always default parent even when parents are together and we usually end up sorting it all out so our kids don’t suffer. Not saying you should do the running around but maybe look in to other solutions.

What is it about “when it’s your time with S. you need to arrange any childcare needs” does this twat not understand?

You do what you have to do, to ensure that your child feels safe and loved. Even if that means you pick up the greater share. Imo. My child’s well being is more important than point scoring over someone else.

Just text him and tell him that he has to stick to the arrangement of picking up and collecting son on his days as you cannot be expected to do it when it is his time. Then do not engage back and forth with him. I am angry on your behalf with him as he is trying to make out that you are unreasonable when he is acting like a dickhead, excuse my english. Stick to your guns and let him take responsibility. It his his time with his son and he should want to make son's life easier.

I never get this..you are equally responsible. Why are you meant to skivvy around take the work hit for him? What does he think every other working parent on the planet does?

What makes him above everyone else that he can't work out picking up his own child and roping in his ex and partner.

I don't understand peoples logic...and he is typing with disbelief that he is hard done by 😂😂

"I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me, I won't be able to do the drop offs or pick ups for you.

Let me know what you CAN do. I know I'm probably saying the obvious but part of being a parent is working this stuff out. Millions of people work flexibly now, if you can't, perhaps it's time to look for another job that will allow you to care for you child. Will await an update"

ODFOD.

You’re clearly marvellous, and your ex is lucky to have you.

Meanwhile, many of us have ex partners who are massive dickheads. Any amount of martyrdom and “I just love my kids” gets you shafted sideways.

My ex said he wanted 50/50 care - to relieve himself of CM - but then was baffled beyond belief that the 50% actually represented half of ALL overnights and that he would be responsible for them 100% of the time during his share. He actually said “well how the hell can I possibly do that? You’ll have to have them from school on the days they come to me.” Er, no.

he now has them EOW and thinks that’s a bit much because he “gets tired.”

"He's your son.
Those are your days.
It's up to you to sort it out, like I do on mine."

For a child with SEN, there is a lot of to and fro here! Many high schools have a two week timetable, so that, combined with all the chopping and changing between days and houses, will not be ideal. I think you need to move to full alternate weeks with each parent.

💯

This!