To not want to be wrap around care for my ex

[Missmuffet28]

DS 10 starts secondary school in sept it’s a little further away than the primary and the start/finish times are slightly different by 10-15 mins.
we have a two week arrangement
wk 1 I drop off at school every day he picks up on Tuesday and Thursday and has DS for tea. He only has him for tea because he doesn’t want to eat Into work hours to drop him off at school in the morning
wk2 he picks up Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and has over night which then rolls into his weekend with DS so he’s dropping him to school on Wednesday and Friday.
Ex is now making a fuss and saying he can’t stick to the agreed arrangements and wants me to do all school runs on wk 1 but then pick DS up from me at 4:15 for tea and do his Wed drop off on wk 2 by dropping ds back to me on a Wed morn before school for me to take him to school.

I have a full time job also and I already work flexibly to fulfill my allocation of school runs.
but obviously have to make this time up.

I do however work at home most of the time.

first he claimed it was the times, I sent him link for gov guidelines on flexible working.
then he claimed it was actually because him and his partner only have 1 car.

after many back and forth petty texts about how he was flexible two and a half years ago when I broke my leg 😂😂 (someone should send the guy a medal) I’m left with the below and I just don’t know how to respond.
AIBU to not want to be his wrap around care I don’t want to have to make more hours up at work because he can’t sort his life out.

Ok so on DS overnight week -
Tuesday and Thursday we can pick up DS from school.
NewPartner is going to ask to work from home every other Friday so he can be dropped to breakfast club and picked up from school.

We can’t do the Wednesday morning drop off to school. So DS can be dropped off to you at 07.45 on her way to work.

On the week we have DS Tuesday and Thursday for tea neither of us can do school pickup but one of us can pick him up from yours at 4.15.
But if one or both of our job patterns change it would have to be reviewed .

Yes I guess I’m going to have to stop being so easy going. I always thought that was the best way to be.

Being flexible, easygoing and helping out is great and the way to go. IF it works both ways. But in your case he doesn't give back to you so there is no need for you to do that to him. Actually emergencys are different. He just wants to do what he wants and assume you should sacrifice yourself.

I empathise with this. ExH cannot pick DD up from school, and he lives far enough away that it's very difficult for her to get to his on her own (2 buses, also SEN involved), so she comes home to mine every day, regardless of whether it's my day or his. I'm lucky because I work from home, so it's easy enough for me, and to be honest, I really like getting to see her every day - it also means I'm able to help her manage homework etc, although obviously as she gets older she'll not need me to do that.

However, I wouldn't be so flexible or accommodating about it if it meant I actually had to adjust my work hours and pick her up - it only works because she makes her own way home.

Could you say, ‘Look, it’s clear the current arrangements aren’t working. Like you, I have a full time job and I just can’t keep picking up the slack when something changes for you. We have agreed you would do xx days and I would do yy days. Since this is no longer an option we need to find a fair way forward that works for both of us. I can continue doing xx days but you either need to find a proper childcare solution on your days or we need to look at options for different days’.

Tell me you don't have a clue without telling me you don't have a clue.

Do you know what - right now, I'm having to pick up all kinds of slack. I just started a thread about it. But you know what, there comes a point at which I can't do it all. And I'm sure that OP feels the same - it's all very well saying she should "pick up the slack" for the sake of her child. But what about HER work? what about HER arrangements. What about HER mental, physical and financial health?

I am so tired of the "well, as mothers, we just have to suck it up" brigade because men are shit.

It's Ok to speak to the school's sen office in advance and ask if there is any reason why he can't study in the library while he is waiting to be collected a bit later.

If it's agreed and court ordered then tell him, he'll have to organise wrap around care. Its not your problem.

My son's secondary school has homework club every night. It proves really useful as they get their homework done there with a teacher supporting them, so they then have their evenings and weekends to themselves.

Perhaps your ex could see if they do something like this at your son's new school.

I am flexible and easy going with my ex. I pick up from school on his days as my DC would hate after school club. In return he will take / pick up from evening activities when needed. We don’t really have a your night my night philosophy as often kids need to be different places on same night!

if I can’t pick up on ex night (usually an unavoidable work commitment) he sorts it with one of his dad friends.

So nothing like OP's ex who expects her to drop everything, rearrange her life etc because he can't be bothered picking up his DS? You have mutual give and take and respect. OP doesn't.

Then he will need to pay for before/after school care. Child minder or at school. But I agree that if you say no he may just stop having him on those days.

Pretty harsh response, Op has already said ds has some sen needs so isn’t ready for independent travel, not every child ready for that in year 7 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course it is not fair and ex should sort it out but the child in question is the important one.
It looks like you need to sit down and reorganise the schedule. It looks like your ex wants DS every other weekend. How does your child feel about this? Are there after school clubs/playdates your DC is missing out on?
Once DC hits secondary school will they be able to complete homework if they are out mid week. What if you DC wants to join secondary school clubs?
This is probably a good time to start working on the change coming up in September.

Another mum here who is co-parenting with a dad who pushed for 50/50, but then didn't want to do 50% of the parenting. He was very upset with me when I started pushing for him to do his share, apparently it wasn't fair as he was working so hard that he didn't have time to ride his bike as much as he wanted. It was apparently much fairer for me to do more, despite having a demanding full-time job myself. It took a lot of discipline on my part to stay consistent and keep repeating the mantra 'you pushed for 50/50, so need to do your 50%'. It took about 2 years of this, but he's now doing his share and I'm able to concentrate on advancing my career, and enjoying time with my child when they are with me. Appreciate every situation is different op, but there's a good chance that if you keep repeating it consistently and not pick up what he should be doing, you will be in a much better situation in a year or so. Good luck!

So?

That won’t work for me. You will have to drop him at school the <list mornings> and collect him from school the <list days> , I will be working and have more office time this year. If you can’t you will have to find someone who can drop him for you, a student might be happy with a few hours work like that.

Or, we could do every other week, 100% of the time. I can do that with my work if I commit to being fully available every second week. If I don’t hear from you I assume we are staying with the usual pattern. Don’t forget to collect him.

As much as you feel the current schedule is straightforward, from the outside looking in it certainly sounds messy and therefore open to manipulation which has been happening. I’d see your DCs upcoming change in circumstances as an opportunity to totally rewrite the script. Even if that involves outside mediation. Taxi companies will organise regular pickups from school but presumably not on a messy schedule, so again another opportunity to simplify the current arrangement. Long and short of it is if he’s out making money some of that is going to be eaten up on looking after the child. This is every parents juggle!!!
I would suggest alternative weeks custody, on ex’s week have him round to yours for dinner twice ie Tuesday and Friday. But obviously that’d be expected both ways. Would also break up the week of “no contact.”
If he doesn’t want 50/50 custody then it’s time to get the money side involved unfortunately but at least you’d know where you stand.
As for school holidays etc again a solution has to be decided upon, I appreciate inset days are more “one offs” and could be dealt with on an alternative basis but summer, Easter, half term, some sort of prevision needs put in place for how that’s dealt with, firmly. Again this could throw any 50/50 custody towards you again with the current setup and you’d need financial contributions for that.
I think as mothers we often feel like we’re responsible for the organising within a traditional family unit, when that splits we take the burden cause that’s how it’s always been.
let’s be honest he’s kicking off about something 6 months down the road, plenty of time to come to a reasonable solution now. If that’s what he wants but it sounds more like he’s wanting you to bail him out. Also plenty of time for him to save for a second “runaround” car.

He's messing you around.

Get a solicitor to send a stroppy letter. That should bring him to his senses. Agreed hours are agreed. They are not there until one partner changes their mind. Work out what works for you and if he won't play ball go to arbitration.

High school kids get the bus or walk to and from school and wraparound care doesn't exist for that age.

Bus or walk back to whichever parents house and a key to get in is what happens at high school

You know what, just say no.

Text back 'having looked at all my options, I'm not in a position to be anymore flexible with drop offs and pick ups than I already am, I'm doing the lions share at the moment, so I suggest you look at alternative solutions such as registered childminders etc. if this isn't possible, maybe we can look at changing round the days such as 1 week each on a 50/50 basis.

I know its not the point of the thread, but i feel sad for the kid.
Mom:'nope sorry not my day to have kid'
Dad: 'I'm working, can't have kid'
mom
dad
etc
I know everyone has life and commitment, but essentially 2 people are saying we can't/won't have you/pick you up that day.
All I hear as a child is 'you're an inconvenience to both mom and dad.

So he wants 50/50 (and presumably therefore doesn’t pay maintenance) but then expects to do well less than half of the actual caring?

Yeah, like anyone should agree to that!🙄

Oh please, this is ridiculous. DH and I are happily married. Our children are very loved. But yes, there are still sometimes arguments and debates because if DS is going to go to his sport camp during the holidays, one of us is going to have to rearrange our schedule to take him and if DD is NOT at camp, one of us is going to have re-organise our schedule to be with her.

it's got F+++ all to do with the child feeling unloved or unwanted. My children understand what their Dad and I both have jobs and commitments and that as a result, sometimes, it can be difficult to organise other things, especially things that have changed. I will take DS to his activity tonight becuase it's scheduled into my week, but yesterday, when he wanted me to give him a lift he had to wait 30 minutes because I had a conference call scheduled.

This is normal life.

Is he paying any maintenance?

Because if this is supposed to be a 50:50 split, it sounds as complicated as hell to manage and will be a nightmare during secondary school when there is a metric ton of books to cart around and homework to do.
Week on week off with no change for school holidays. Far easier to manage your workload, your employer expectations, drop offs and the rest when you have a really consistent pattern.
I think you both need to sit down and discuss it and stop sending passive aggressive texts to each other. If the ex's partner is also part of the equation it is sensible and polite to ensure she is aware and agrees too.

I’d say to him if son is coming to you in the morning or after school then that counts as your day and he has to pay etc child maintenance for those days. I’m sure he’ll be able to pick up then!

This is where I’m coming from. Ironically the child doesn’t seem to feature in anyone’s thinking. Both parents and most of the PP are more concerned with “equal shares” and what each other are or aren’t doing.

as the child of a divorced family, this is toxic and your child will remember your concern for enforcing equality over what they want. Had anyone asked the poor lad what he wants?

How is Op supposed to do "what her child wants" when she need to work full time to pay for everything?

If her ex wants so much help perhaps he could pay her the deficit if she were willing/able to reduce her hours accordingly?