To not want to be wrap around care for my ex

[Missmuffet28]

DS 10 starts secondary school in sept it’s a little further away than the primary and the start/finish times are slightly different by 10-15 mins.
we have a two week arrangement
wk 1 I drop off at school every day he picks up on Tuesday and Thursday and has DS for tea. He only has him for tea because he doesn’t want to eat Into work hours to drop him off at school in the morning
wk2 he picks up Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and has over night which then rolls into his weekend with DS so he’s dropping him to school on Wednesday and Friday.
Ex is now making a fuss and saying he can’t stick to the agreed arrangements and wants me to do all school runs on wk 1 but then pick DS up from me at 4:15 for tea and do his Wed drop off on wk 2 by dropping ds back to me on a Wed morn before school for me to take him to school.

I have a full time job also and I already work flexibly to fulfill my allocation of school runs.
but obviously have to make this time up.

I do however work at home most of the time.

first he claimed it was the times, I sent him link for gov guidelines on flexible working.
then he claimed it was actually because him and his partner only have 1 car.

after many back and forth petty texts about how he was flexible two and a half years ago when I broke my leg 😂😂 (someone should send the guy a medal) I’m left with the below and I just don’t know how to respond.
AIBU to not want to be his wrap around care I don’t want to have to make more hours up at work because he can’t sort his life out.

Ok so on DS overnight week -
Tuesday and Thursday we can pick up DS from school.
NewPartner is going to ask to work from home every other Friday so he can be dropped to breakfast club and picked up from school.

We can’t do the Wednesday morning drop off to school. So DS can be dropped off to you at 07.45 on her way to work.

On the week we have DS Tuesday and Thursday for tea neither of us can do school pickup but one of us can pick him up from yours at 4.15.
But if one or both of our job patterns change it would have to be reviewed .

Do you have a partner op?

How on earth is "I can't do all those extra school runs because I have to work" "enforcing equality"?

Sometimes I think that there are people who live in an entirely different world to me. When I am working, I am working. I can want to collect my child all I want, but if I'm in the office, I can't. If I'm working from home but am expected to be online, I can't. It's one thing to say to my employer, "I have an emergency" it's completely another to say, "sorry, I can no longer start at 9am because my ex won't do the school run."

OP I do agree with some other posters though that it might be time to relook at the entire schedule in light of the shift to high school. As others have pointed out, there are usually homework clubs so it might be that he goes to those on set days. It might also be that you and your ex swap some of the days if there are ways for him to be more accommodating on say a Monday and you on a Thursday.

I understand your child has SEN but I'd also be thinking about what you need to do to help him get to the independence he needs. Assuming you've already done that, then part of the conversation with your ex is to both agree and accept that this is a relatively short term issue. Ideally, by x months in, your DS will be doing things differently.

The most successful coparenting families I know who have children at the top of primary and bottom half of secondary have the children at each home on the same set days every week. That way they can do clubs etc at each home, they take the same books/pe kit etc from each place each week and always know where they are. EOW doesn't work brilliantly as the children get older and have their own lives. Ds's best friend is here (at his mum's) Friday night and Saturday morning (they do clubs together here) then away at his dad's from Saturday night till mid week. We all know he's not here on a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday so it's simple for everybody (including the boys friends).

Not the same though. Fundamentally your children know that both parents are there for them and want to be in the family home.
Whereas in divorced families children almost always feel a variation of, 'they didn't want ME enough, that's why mom or dad didn't stay '.
And this isn't me saying it. Research has found that that's a common theme among young children from divorced families. It's not a fair feeling, but that's what they feel .Negate the child's feelings all you want. But it's preposterous to compare children from parents that are together and children from parents who aren't.

YANBU. Apart from anything it's absolutely not in the child's best interest to be picked up by Mum, go to Mum's house for 30? mins and then be picked up by Dad. It's so unsettling. I say this as someone who has ended up with a similar situation with my Yr 7 DS and his Dad. It also makes homework tricky as he's got lots of small chunks of time, it feels harder to get into a routine.

"I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. That week is your responsibility. What are you going to do to remedy the problem. Your problems are not mine to fix. Stop using our son to emotionally blackmail me and take responsibility yourself ".

And repeat.

So far I've only read the OP but what I got from it is he has outsourced his responsibilities to his new partner and why does he think because you have split means he can do the bare minimum? He might not be your partner but he'll always be a parent.

Stop offering suggestions.

Rinse and reseat - that doesn't work for me, I have covered my childcare obligation with my employer it is up to you to arrange yours.

Ok, you need to sit down together to review the whole arrangement. One that divides the days, not specific pick up/drop off times. Covers insets, illness, school holidays etc.
(ignore the specific days below, they’re just examples) The day begins at eg: 9am, so if he’s had DS on a Tuesday night, he sorts Wed morning until school starts. But if DS was ill on a Wednesday, you’d have to look after him from 9am. But if an inset day or illness or whatever falls on his day, then he sorts him. You are not the default parent, you share the care, which includes insets, illness, holidays, the whole shebang.

He's a cheeky fucker, isn't he? Passing the "problem" back to you as if he's just been kindly helping you out up 'til now?
I think I would say that if he can't manage mornings now and intends to have DS delivered to your house first thing before school, then the preceding overnight at his needs to stop and you will have the CS adjusted accordingly.
See how he likes THEM apples.

"Those are your days. I'm not responsible for childcare on your days. We can look at a week-on / week-off arrangement if that would suit you better."

Rinse and repeat.

All I’m saying is that in a married family problems are solved. The “it’s a you problem not a me problem” approach here is damaging to the child. They need to work together to resolve this.

@StormingNorman except that he doesn't want ot work together. He just wants OP to pick up his slack. it would be totally different if he was saying, "look, I just can't make Thursdays work. But I could do a Monday, can we do a deal."

Instead, SHE is the one doing all the working and all the compromising.

I see his new partner is having to help 🤦🏼‍♀️. So predictable.

What are your son’s future goals and aspirations in life?

My role in my son’s life was to help him achieve his goals.

Your son will be 18 soon enough.

I would view the current situation more strategically. Can you concede to the current demands and make your ex make other concessions which would benefit you more?

Ask your son how he feels. He is nearly 11. He will be able to express how he feels about the situation at this age.

Stick firmly with what you've agreed for the remaining term of DS's time at primary school. Or if it's feasible, speak to school and give him permission to start walking to and home from school (if it's a walkable distance I can't see anyone reasonably objecting to a child who's going to secondary school in 6 months walking home from primary).

Revaluate over the summer break as he starts secondary school - bearing in mind he'll probably be able to transport himself, be left alone for a short while in the mornings or after he gets home. So things like 'I can't pick him up at 3:15 because I've got work until 4' will become redundant. He'll also probably find that there's clubs he wants to get involved in, and maybe sports teams to play for, so some of the 'early pickup' times may well just disappear altogether.

No need to bugger up your schedule for the sake of one term.

There are two parents here, the partners shouldn't be picking up the slack.

Can't your DS get a bus home from school?

I wasn’t expecting quite as much conversation if I’m honest. I’ll try to answer some things.
My initial AIBU was because I wasn’t sure if I was subconsciously being unreasonable because the man is my ex but it’s clear to see I am not.

My DS and his wellbeing, emotional and otherwise is my absolute priority. This means I want him to know someone is there for him when he is expecting them to be it also means I will continue to shield him the best I can from the politics of split parents and won’t be asking him what he thinks or wants at this point. He isn’t emotionally mature enough. I know my child.

I don’t know how to say no to ex without it turning into a massive drama I have already said no several times and offered some thought about how he could over come his logistical issues. His idea of a solution is still that I should just act as wrap around. It’s almost like he doesn’t believe I also have a full time job or maybe he thinks my flexible job is for his benefit 🤷🏼‍♀️

He does pay maintenance he has DS around 110 ish nights a year which is no where near 50/50 but maintenance & money doesn’t come into it even if he offered money to be wrap around it still doesn’t work for neither DS or I. Me darting out from work to pick DS up having to make that time up, not getting any quality time with DS who is to be picked up half an hour or so later and the same in reverse on a morning is beneficial to who? Certainly not me or DS. That is the only suggestion ex has to rectify HIS issue. I think his suggestion is ludicrous and I don’t want to do that.

I do have a DP, again doesn’t come into it. This is my child I got myself a new/different but better job after we split to work around my commitments as a parent. when we were together I had a school hours job so I did it all. When I got promoted to single 🤣 I had to find a job that paid all the bills and allowed me to parent. I nailed it.
I manage my commitments fine without having to rely on DP. One suggestion ex had, was for DP to get a car so maybe he could help do it.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry at that. I politely said DP didnt need a car for any of the 8/10 drop offs I manage perfectly well or the 5/10 pick ups I do……

I have discussed with DS that perhaps over the summer we take a few walks to his new school and back and I also gave him permission to leave his current primary and wait for me out side of the gate to start promoting some independence. This is after all a major part of being a parent isn’t it? Nurturing them into independence? I’m doing my best there.

i appreciate our current arrangement looks messy to some it doesn’t feel messy to us we have done it just fine the last 3 years BUT on the advice of quite a few,
I will suggest a 50/50 one week on/off scenario. I’ll see what ex thinks of that and if he is keen maybe then I will explore with DS how he might feel about it.
Im open to changing/swapping days whatever, I’m really quite easy going but I already do the lions share and I’m just not okay with picking up his slack.

"You do what you have to do, to ensure that your child feels safe and loved. Even if that means you pick up the greater share. Imo. My child’s well being is more important than point scoring over someone else"

Not if it's at the detriment of her career in order to facilitate her ex's. Her DS will not benefit in the long run if his mother's earning potential is limited by his dad manoeuvring her into part time work.

It's this kind of emotional blackmail nonsense that guilts women into getting stuck while the man's career is unaffected and able to flourish. Perhaps his father ought to have as much concern for his DS's wellbeing as you're expecting the OP to have?

@Missmuffet28

Wouldn't it better to ask ds what he thinks of one week at dads and one at mums before you ask your ex?

No because what if DS loves the idea and ex says no. Exploring with ex first feels the safer way to approach it to me for the sake of DS anyway.

This seems like the absolute best solution for everyone, splitting weekends too. It does mean there’s no whole weekends each/free but it’s what I’d choose if I was the child in this scenario. Consistency is so important.

Well I have just this minute given a firm no. That doesn’t work for me.
I have suggested swapping days and suggested 50/50 I don’t expect a prompt reply, I’d hope to not get a prompt reply as I hope he discusses it with his poor new partner first.

That all sounds so confusing and complicated. Poor kid probably doesn’t know if he is coming or going.

Could you just go into the office those days when ex is trying to offload pickups?