to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

I would tell anyone that asked (on or offline), that I found the teenage years the easiest. 100% my favourite 'stage'.

I know that's not everyone's experience, but it's not unique to me - and my experience isn't any less valid than anyone else's. I'm not sure that qualifies as an 'only on Mumsnet' comment.

1. No, not 'only on MN'. The objections I've raised here, I'd raise in any other forum (online or now), too.

1. She wasn't 'torn down'. Posters had an issue with her proposition and said so. Most of them single parents. As the cohort she's referring to, we're entitled to do so.

it’s having no one to tag team when you’re at the end of your tether, even if that’s by text or phone for a release. It’s having no second income, no back up when an unexpected disaster occurs. No one to watch the kids in the late at night when you need to run out for milk or having to drag all the kids to every single appointment, shopping trip or whatever. It’s mentally exhausting and the physical jobs are usually not the issue at all.

Absolutely. The mental load is something you cannot understand until you experience it. I hear you.

Some people are just so rude.

As a LP to a physically disabled teen with autism I say thankyou OP for recognising it can be hard.

It's definitely something people take for granted that when you are doing X you have someone to else to take care of Y. Doing it all alone can be relentless and I'm glad that when people experience it even short term they appreciate how hard it can be.

I wasn't studying, I think that was another poster. I lived with my boyfriend and his mum initially, my boyfriend worked and I was SAHP. Then when I became a single parent I worked and claimed top up benefits.

Is this the first time you’ve been alone with your children for four days, op?

We are not being rude, we are sharing our experiences and if single parents are touchy on the subject it's because we've had years of people who've looked after their own children for a finite amount of time telling us it's the same as us completely managing every single thing alone with one income for years.

Hmm if my kids hadn't " wanted" to drive no way in hell would I be carting them all over the place. Driving ( and swimming ) we expectations in our house not options

I won't make my child drive a car if he doesn't want to. As mentioned he has a bike which he has just got back after 6 months and is happy as you like.

What is it though with parents who think once kids turn 18 they are on their own. It is just so wrong

yes, I have a fab DH

@CharlotteBog

I was on income support and housing benefit from the government - homeless teenagers in full time education were entitled to it.

Honestly, no I don't see what else a parent would have been necessary for other than as someone to chat to at that age.

I was already that level of independent before moving out.

My point is, if the OP is washing their clothes or organizing their university visits or cooking their dinners, it's nice but absolutely unnecessary.

It's not like she's changing nappies or helping them learn to read or getting them from swimming lessons is it?

To turn it around in case I've missed something, what should a parent be doing for an 18 year old other than emotional support?

I don't think people are saying that. But I wouldn't be running around after my adult child if he just "didn't want" to drive. If you don't want to drive, you use public transport.

And here lies the reason we have a generation of completely useless young adults who claim the mental health card at any sign of having to work/inconvenience themselves.

How tedious and ageist of you

I do wish people would RTFT before imparting their pearls of wisdom.

It isn't inconceivable surely that a family may live rurally with very poor public transport, and also may not be able to afford a car and insurance for an 18yo?

how is your relationship with your parents now @thatgirlinjapan ?

The driving thing I think it depends on the individual child. My eldest won't learn to drive because of her anxiety and I wouldn't want her to because she's suicidal, she'd probably drive herself off a bridge.

If she asked me to drive her somewhere I'd be overjoyed, it would mean she was leaving the house independently. I'd drive her to France if she wanted me to if it meant she left her bedroom for once.

Well, yeah. But then you're choosing to make a rod for your own back. I wouldn't live somewhere that meant I had to transport my kids around into adulthood.

so nobody with children should live rurally? That's nonsense

Because you have to, when people have no choice they will push themselves

I still don't know exactly what made it so hard though? I'm a single parent to a ND 16 Yr old and while there are definitely challenges, on a day to day basis she generally ticks along with no input from me other than providing meals (which I'm doing for myself anyway) and chivvying her along so we get out on time in the morning. I don't know how a dp would make those things better - unless he did the cooking so I got a break, but that's not really impacting on my parenting of dd.

@FunnysInLaJardin

You're skirting the point. What were you doing for your 18 year old that they're incapable of doing themselves?

I literally can't imagine what you were doing? You're NOT washing and ironing their clothes, tidying their things, organizing their lives etc. They'll possibly be living in a different city at university in a few months.

I'm not being mean, I'm genuinely curious what you're doing for an 18 year old adult that had you exhausted. Aren't they helping the housework etc by now? If anything it should be easier by now as you've got another adult in the house.

And you have ignored my question entirely. It can’t be better to fend for yourself and a baby at 18, I know I wouldn’t have preferred that

I wouldn't make mine drive either But then I wouldn't be driving them about if they took idle to learn then they would have to walk or get public transport

Oh my days, everyone on this thread is asking you the same question, and you are avoiding the question like the plague.

Please write a list of what you did for your 18 year old adult-child over 4 days, that was more taxing than normal because they didn't have 2 adult parents doing it for them.

The only thing I can think is you're embarrassed to write "I washed their clothes and prepared their food and drove them everywhere."