to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

That parenting two fairly self sufficient teens for 4 days on my own was hard enough, so I couldn’t imagine how lone parents did it day in day out. Not at all what you were suggesting.

in fact it’s quite the leap

The tone of your OP wasn't that though. I think you're very naive and tone deaf. That's what I objected to.

I have a partner who occasionally works away, he spends at least a 3 or so months a year in total away, and when he's home he works long hours so I do a lot solo.

However, I have a 17 and an almost 3 year old. I do not need to "hands on" parent the 17 year old - she uses buses, makes her own meals, and washes herself and her clothes independently. The most I have to do is occasionally transfer her some cash or give her the odd lift if she's missed a bus. And chat to her, of course.

The almost 3 year old is a whole different story obviously, requiring lots of hands on parenting - BUT, I get some help (when she's available and willing) from my older child with this, when my partner is away with work.

If I had 2 teens I don't think I'd even notice being solo versus when my partner is home. I only notice his absence because parenting a non sleeping, demanding, active toddler by myself and juggling that with my own job is a lot. The teen is the easy part.

And I don't remotely think I'm anything even close to a single parent, I was one of those for many years with my 17 year old before I met my now partner and father to my youngest. So I know the difference. I have my partner's income, morale/emotional support, and hands on help when he's home. It's not even remotely comparable to being a single parent.

100% this. DS (10) is going to his Father's (who he hates) for 6 days for the first time since July. I've had 2 nights off in that time when he was on a school residential. EVERYTHING is down to me. Money, cooking, cleaning, food shopping, doctor's appointments, sorting all the bills, car tax and insurance etc. Having not a single person to share the good, or bad, times with.

A few days looking after two older teenagers (who are old enough to look after you) in no fucking way compares.

@sanityisamyth

Thankyou for your post.

I've made my point so I'll leave it there.

I've been a single parent since daughter was 1, so nearly 10 years. I work full-time. It's so, so hard to do it alone. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially..all the 'ally's.

I do not feel patronised by this post in the slightest. Some of the replies are why this site can no longer be a place to chat and muse. Give it a rest.

I was a SP for 5 years to one DC since birth, was waaayyy easier than being married with two DC 😂

OP I think that you probably didn’t mean to offend but to be perfectly frank your OP comes across as very tone deaf . Surely you can see that now 🤷‍♀️

Ffs, you'd think the OP had said 'what's the fuss, it's easy' from some of these responses. She simply experienced something that made her think about how different life could be and is for some people.

Lone parent here (widow), I didn't find your post patronising,

I do not need to "hands on" parent the 17 year old - she uses buses, makes her own meals, and washes herself and her clothes independently. The most I have to do is occasionally transfer her some cash or give her the odd lift if she's missed a bus. And chat to her, of course.

It sounds like she is working and very independent if she is not eating with the family or needing support with education. Many parents (lone or otherwise) are still providing a great deal of support for their older teenagers (both practically and emotionally) and that's fine, and I think it's a good thing for others to acknowledge that a lone parent of an older teenager may have challenges that a teenager with 2 parents may not.

Funnily, when I left my ex husband I was amazed how easy it was to be a single parent. Every part of my life became easier.

Then I met amazing DP who is loving, respectful, and pulls his weight. And life became substantially easier. Now when he has to stay for work I very much feel how much harder parenting would be alone .

I hoped you might return to the thread having read some of the single mothers’ views and be a bit more humbled 🤨

Instead, for someone who marvels at how single parents cope, you don’t have many kind words for the single parents on here; accusing them of projecting, being too sensitive- you’re just prickly and defensive.
I think you have pre conceived ideas about single mothers and a superior attitude.

Sorry but you seem pissed off that not all the single mums on here fell to their knees with gratitude because you threw a couple of trite comments their way.

Some acknowledgement that your opening post was a bit clumsy wouldn’t have gone amiss, if nothing else.

Nothing in your updates indicates that you have the first idea of what it might be like to solo parent, despite many posters taking the time to patiently explain some of the REAL difficulties they face.

Your example of a “difficult issue to cope with alone” is driving a 14 year old to a guitar lesson?
This has got to be a fucking wind up 🤣

I didn't say my teen never eats with the family. It was an example of one of the many ways I don't need to "hands on" parent her. Of course she eats with the family if I'm cooking for everyone, but the point is, if I'm not cooking a family meal one evening, she won't starve, she will self sufficiently make her own meal. My 3 year old won't because she physically can't. My 3 year old also won't bath herself if I don't, etc etc.

And yes, of course my teen needs emotional support at times, but that's not something I need to drop everything for and respond to instantly - like, we could schedule in a chat for when her little sister is asleep if she wanted to. My point was, it's not constant, hands on parenting, or firefighting, and I don't need to work to a specific routine etc with my teen. With my toddler, I do. It was a comparison between the ages in terms of level of actual hands on parenting, that's all.

I don't understand why people have to be shitty about a poster trying to be supportive of women. I've been a lone parent for 11 years now and I've remained single. My youngest has SN. It's been very very hard and it is relentless. Never mind the financial pressure. I appreciate your words OP.

I don’t think it’s “shitty” to point out that op’s comments completely ignored the relentless actual difficulties of being a single parent.

Wishing you had another set of hands (and drawing parallels to being a single parent) demonstrates a massive lack of understanding of a life outside your own bubble.

Most people have tried to explain this patiently. I don’t think op needs a load of sock puppets standing up for her.

It’s a valid reaction when someone asks if they’re being unreasonable on here.

Let's face it @SmileyClare, the OP hasn't got a clue about being a single parent but I'm not angry and spoiling for an argument like you are. I was not offended by her post and I know full sodding well what 11 years of lone parenting without an "extra pair of hands" feels like. Neither am I a sock puppet! OP might have been clumsy in her post but you are taking offence where I don't believe any was intended.

In fairness to OP I don't think you can know what single parenthood is like until you have lived it.

I remember before I left H thinking that life would be easier as a single parent. He was an alcoholic at the time and did very little hands-on parenting, offered nothing in the way of emotional support and, although he had paid the bills was very controlling with money and I was often left scraping scraps of my p/t wage to feed and clothe the kids.

In my mind, single parents lived a life of luxury compared to me and then I left him and realized how utterly, utterly naive I had been. The "very little" that he did made a fucking hell of a difference compared to doing it all 100% alone, 100% of the time. I didn't regret leaving him but life wasn't easier, like I'd expected. I still had struggles they were just very different struggles.

My leaving him triggered him to get help, eventually and he overcame his alcoholism and became a massive support to me and my best friend. When he passed away 18 months ago I thought we'd manage because I had been a single parent for the last 10 years. Oh, how wrong I was. Again, the parts he did do, the things he did pay for, and the practical and emotional support he offered made all the difference even though he did none of the day-to-day stuff.

I thought you were talking about solo parenting a 4 and 8 year old. 18?! FFS

I was never particularly independent but I went off to live & study in another country at 18. Parents set me up with a bank card and mobile phone and everything went perfectly fine. I'd be very baffled what "parenting" they would have expected to do for an adult child of 18. We had one phone call every evening and that was pretty much it.

I’m not taking offence or spoiling for an argument. …Just a bit exasperated.

I was disappointed that op hadn’t acknowledged any of the numerous posts from single mothers on here which quite helpfully explained the realities of solo parenting to a parent who hasn’t much idea.
There’s no recognition that the opening comments were a bit misjudged and jarring.

But Fair enough- Apologies for calling you a sock puppet 😂I am pretty tired and grumpy tonight so probably best if I don’t post anything else here!

no sock puppets here, I would get very confused doing that and would no doubt out myself in an instant .

Actually what has struck me about this whole thread is how defensive and threatened some posters feel.

I'm sorry that some people have been so badly treated that they instantly find someone with a well meaning sentiment either 'patronising' or 'tone deaf' or 'a smug twat'.

I'll never win this argument and I don't intend to try, indeed it was never meant to be one, but here we are

yes, we've covered that. We all know that most DC on their 18th birthday are out the door to fend for themselves

Yep raised two on my own. No dad. No family. 2 jobs. Very hard. Constantly think im failing and fucking exhusted.

Yeah thank God you're alright op.

Us poor single parents will just struggle on but thanks for thinking of us 🙄

I'm not raging at the OP, I think the comment was well-meaning.

But the irritating part for me was the suggestion that being solely in charge of the DC for a few days gave her an indication, no matter how slight, into single parenthood.

As I said in my previous posts, if OP had been in a situation to have a terrifying insight into financial insecurity or had had to make big decisions on her own with no other parent to decide with, they'd be more indicative of life as a single parent.

There's just no rationale for what the OP is describing.