to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

I haven't for a single moment said I know how you feel. I dont. That's the point

Why in earth plonk a “Well meaning sentiment” on an AIBU talk forum? Are you interested in other’s views or experiences?

It’s frustrating that when single parents offer you their perspective (and their rationale for considering your comments tone deaf/ patronising ) you immediately come out with more patronising rubbish about single mothers being poorly treated and “threatened”.

Either you find provoking people with your faux naïveté entertaining or you simply cannot see beyond your own nose and cannot accept any criticism.

Its a shame, this thread could have been an interesting and honest insight into the difficulties (and joys) of being a single parent without you acting like a victim on your own thread.

I haven't for a single moment said I know how you feel. I dont. That's the point

Like I say, I don't think you were trying to be goady or patronising or some of the other criticisms made of you.

But comments like below, indicate you do think you understand the challenges for single parents (whatever about feelings!) - when you really don't. It's a false equivalence to say 'my few days having a busier than usual time has made me reflect on how hard it must be for single parents'. You may as well say 'oh the reverse parking that was tricky earlier makes me think how good a job single parents do'. It's about as analogous.

see the income thing and decision making thing is fine, just the hands on help and co parenting I need

I'm a lone parent who has 100% care of my daughter as her dad is a useless and abusive tosser. My dd is 5.

I also work full time.

I take zero offence from OPs post, she's probably greatly appreciating what she has around her with her husband when he gets back and can Co parent with her.

Op, being a single and lone parent is the toughest job there is, however many of us don't know anything different and fully embrace is.

I know for me, I couldn't for a moment picture a man coming into my home, into my life and my DDs life and upsetting the beautiful psyche of our lives that I've worked so hard to establish for us.

Being a single parent completely works for me. I embrace it. I'm proud of it. Yes, its tough but I've had 5 years of it for it now not to be a slog and for it to be our lives and our routine.

I embrace it. I'm proud of it.

Genuinely that's great for you. And of course single mothers are not a hive mind!

But I neither embrace my single motherhood, nor am I proud of it. It's a situational thing, and I just get on with it (and am thankful I ended an abusive marriage).

Like you, I have not had another partner - I've had no relationship, not even a casual one since my marriage. There's just no option to.

I feel sad, and will never fully accept, the utter relentlessness of being on my own, terrified on occasion about money, but mostly the 'aloneness' of it.

I'm glad not to be with my ex, but wish my DC and I were in a family with 2 involved parents.

Is there any reason he didn't learn to drive and take himself to places?

Some kids just don’t want to drive, my DS included. He didn’t feel confident enough.

He has a motor bike that got damaged in the tornado and will thankfully be getting it back tomorrow

I just typed out all the reasons and then thought actually, what the hell. If you can't think of valid reasons an 18 yo might not be driving independently then you're pretty small minded.

I mean, it's just life as a married parent surely? This can't be the first time in 18 years that you've taken on extra tasks because your other half is sick/busy with work/away.

Absolutely no parallel with lone parenting at ALL. You can put some things off until he's back, and you can let him take over and get some down time of your own.

Actually what has struck me about this whole thread is how defensive and threatened some posters feel

Are you for real?

Earlier I thought ok perhaps OP does mean well in a clumsy way. But defensive and threatened 👀.

You are either on a complete wind up or completely tone deaf to how others live.

A close friend of mine decided to have two kids via IVF as the right person just wasn't happening. She is INCREDIBLE. I also have two kids but I am very aware that I struggle with all the help I have (husband and nanny with older one at kindergarten most of the day). She works full time and has no help but has turned out two incredible, well mannered and lovely kids. We spend one holiday together a year so we can give her a bit of a break and the kids play together. I don't for a minute question how challenging it must be for her to do everythign by herself including making all the decisions all the time. I think it's okay that I am amazed by her bravery and her strength and energy. I know I couldn't do what she does and I hope she doesn't find it patronising in any way.

Exactly! It doesn’t. Make sure 14yr old does homework, job done.

Wow, that's a low maintenance child.
I'm clearly spoiling mine.

Yeah, me too. I was up until 12.15 last night listening to my 19 year old working some things out. I'm exhausted .

Of course it’s not patronising to admire a woman’s strength. You have an understanding of the challenges your single parent friend faces- you respect and admire her- that’s great; tell her.

The point posters are making is that your friend might well roll her eyes if your partner was away for a couple of days and you started comparing that to being a single mother…
..saying Ooh I don’t know how you do it; my husband hasn’t been here for a few days so this is just what it must be like for you day in day out It completely trivialises what being a lone parent actually entails and makes me wince 😂

You must be able to see the difference?

Im not offended by this thread, just baffled by how short sighted it is.

Yes, let’s assume it’s well intentioned, but let’s also acknowledge how comments like this can be perceived as flippant and a bit ignorant of another person’s situation.

How and when did the “parenting” of adults become a thing? Or is it just MN nonsense?

When I was 18 - DURING my A-levels I was living by myself.

I had no family support so I managed my own finances, cooking dinner when I got home from college - 2 hours bus ride away, university applications and visits across the country.

By 18, anything you're doing for your kids is basically niceness except the driving if they can't use public transport.

I raised my DS alone from 6 months. It's not just the work, it's the lack of money, total responsibility, exhaustion and no one to get you a cup of tea at the end of a long day. And it's years of it. And the judgement you get from others as if you've chosen this path.

And still trying to find time for yourself or to go out occasionally.

A friend of mine described one particularly difficult year for me as me looking white with fear.

Managing DC for a while (and knowing when it's going to end) whilst still having another adult's income is not the same.

When I was 18 - DURING my A-levels I was living by myself.
I had no family support so I managed my own finances, cooking dinner when I got home from college - 2 hours bus ride away, university applications and visits across the country

And do you look back and think those were lovely years or do you think it would have been better to have some support?

There's obviously some history. How did you support yourself? Even if you worked all the hours outside of studying it would be hard to support yourself financially at that age.

Goady AF

I had a baby at 18 and was living alone. I didn't need support.

Not saying that's an ideal way to live but some people really do baby their older kids. My 16yo does everything independently. Obviously I bankroll him 🤣 and I'm here for him to talk to whenever he needs, but I'm not a taxi service. He's got legs and there's nothing wrong with getting on the bus, people are just lazy these days. Unless you live rurally which I appreciate some people do, ferrying an 18 year old round is weird to me.

We're going on a tangent now, but I am curious to know how you supported yourself and a baby at 18 while studying?
As independent as you might have been you simply didn't have the years behind you to have built a financial buffer to live alone with a baby while studying.

Only on Mumsnet would a woman be torn down for empathising with single mothers, be called patronising, told it's easy to have teens, etc.

@FunnysInLaJardin
You are being condescending to real single parents who have no support or money. A 14 & 18 year old need less care than a cat FFS.
But, I suspect this post is from a PBP for shits and giggles

Yes this!!! My husband worked long hours and was often not around to help. I spent years thinking “I’m basically a single parent” and when my single parent friends would moan I’d be thinking “it’s not that bad, I’m doing it on my own too”

but when he left in lockdown and I was left with 4 children to raise entirely alone (save for his 4 hours of ‘babysitting’ on a Saturday) it was a whole different world.

it’s having no one to tag team when you’re at the end of your tether, even if that’s by text or phone for a release. It’s having no second income, no back up when an unexpected disaster occurs. No one to watch the kids in the late at night when you need to run out for milk or having to drag all the kids to every single appointment, shopping trip or whatever. It’s mentally exhausting and the physical jobs are usually not the issue at all.