to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

I think what OP was staying is: if I’m finding (even) this is a challenge then how do single mothers do it alone. I don’t think she was drawing a direct comparison. I was a single mum for 20 years. I am not offended by her post. I appreciate any kind words. I think the intention was pure. The world needs more of that.

I thought you were going to say they were toddlers!

I have been a lone parent since DS was 10 months old with no involvement from ex at all. He's 16 now and it's easy! Toddler stage was hard though.

Single parenting is far easier to me.

Only 2 children to look after, not 3.

What hands on help can't 14/18 yr olds do? Why weren't they expected to do it earlier in life?

And co-parenting is overrated. In every partnership I know where the parents are together, there is always one parent taking the lions share of decision making, majority parenting and being the expert on the child which the other consults. It's usually the female.

In my experience you are very close to your children as a single parent. In a different way. It is hard but it’s also very special. ♥️

I agree with this. As a single parent. And I don’t find what you say patronising I just think you are looking at this the wrong way.

The situation you are describing isn’t particularly that you’re on your own it’s the disruption to your routine.

Being a single parent is definitely more work but when you’re used to the routine you just manage it. It becomes so integrated in your life that you cope with it.

I'm sure it wasnt meant to be patronising but how totally put of touch with reality does one have to be to not know how hard single parenting can be until after 18 years one has a couple of days alone with 2 teens?

Come on now, that's not living in the real world, what did she think it was like?

Me too. A lot of us are doing this because it's easier than staying with the other parent!

To be accurate you were actually looking after one child but had another adult on hand to help!

LP to one dd, who is now 16. I look around at her friends' parents who are still together and can't see anyone I'd want to swap places with.

Long term finances, though, ugh. When your income covers everything, just about, you know you're not going to be retiring early and going on cruises.

really, you dont think 14 and 18 yo olds need parenting? Have a word with yourself ffs

for four days!!!!!!! Words need to be had but it’s with yourself.

Single parenting is hard but if you think solo parenting a 14 and 18 year olds for four days is taxing then you really have no idea. Thanks for the solidarity.🤔

I Al

As a single parent I'm constantly amazed at the shit non single women put up with. Hats off to you all.

Sorry OP but I agree a 14 & 18 are fairly self sufficient.

You've had a glimpse of what single parenting potentially looks like.

Obvs not a race to the bottom, but I've been parenting singularly since youngest was 3 months old. Eldest is now 17, approaching 18. I work 3 jobs, 1 FT and 2 PT.

You are right we rock 🤘🏻

I get what you are saying, in a clumsy way recognising how bloody difficult it is.

However, we are stronger and more resilient and better off for for it.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I also want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with OP saying that she found it hard when her DH was away - of course a change to household routine is hard. She's totally entitled to feel & say that!

It's that her OP makes a link to this experience and that of single parents, suggesting she'd got a small insight into what it might be like. But she hasn't - it's talking about different planets.

I also don't want 'admiration' & praise for being a single parent & how amazing I am. I didn't have a choice and I do my best, imperfectly. What I'd like more than anything is if people wanted to hear about the tough stuff or offer emotional support, a listening ear. No-one ever does.

And this. 🤭

I was a single parent even when I was married as he used to travel. He once went away for 6 weeks when our baby was 5 weeks old and we had a 2 year old. It wasn’t that hard.

it set me up well for divorce!

having older children is wayyyy easier IMO but there is more running around , dropping off, picking up and you don’t get your evenings to rest like you do when younger ones are to bed ( mine were good sleepers so that was a blessing )

OP I don’t think you’ll get much support here , you’re obviously very lucky with your set up and it’s 4 days!

@shoppingshamed I mean teenagers sound so easy compared with my toddler but maybe they have mental health issues or pregnancy scares or doing drugs or drink driving etc that I haven't even thought about worrying about yet!

But yes it's funny to just be having this thought at the first time. Perhaps op luckily often had someone else around during the toddler stage where you can't even pop to the loo in peace without the baby trying to eat the toilet brush or climb up some shelves etc!

I don't really understand this. I could understand if you were looking after a baby or toddlers but two teenagers? Yes they're working towards exams but that's tough for them, not you!
Ny DH is often away and is currently away for 12 days. I honestly don't find it harder at all.

However, we are stronger and more resilient and better off for for it.

I'm not sure.

I do think I'm 'strong' having coped with endless abuse within & after my marriage.

And I and DC are better off away from exH.

But I'm certainly not better off - I will never fully accept not having the life I planned for, and one I thought my DC would have. A stable home life, 2 committed parents, bringing them up together. I'll never not feel guilt at the situation they ended up in & the endless hassle their selfish & narcissistic parent caused them, and that there were lots of options that weren't available to them, even though they have been very fortunate in many (hopefully the most important) ways.

That's unfair. You can make your point without calling the OP names, surely?

All the terminally offended having a go at op, have a word with yourselves! Some people enjoy the " victimhood" of being a single parent op and believe it makes them some kind of hero! I have been a single mum of 4 for the last 12-13 years, when i say single i mean absolutely no contact or help from their father ( who had to be forced by a court ordered attachment of earnings to even pay maintenance). To be perfectly honest its much easier than being stuck in an awful relationship and constantly being undermined as a person and a parent! Yes at times i wondered where the next meal was coming from and how i was going to provide new shoes, clothes etc but i always managed to do it somehow! It was the most rewarding thing ive ever done!

I found parenting solo much easier than parenting with my ex.

Your experience is not universal.

My daughter is a single parent of 3 under 9s, doing a medical degree and managing amazingly. Her useless ex does have them when he's 'not too tired', and we and the other grandparents do help out, but the bulk of it is her alone.

I am absolutely in awe - but as she says, she didn't choose him to sod off with someone else and end up being an absolute arsehole and she has no choice, basically. The kids are brilliant.

I was on my own with her for a few years, and it was hard, but this is a whole new level! She's remarkable
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Some people enjoy the " victimhood" of being a single parent op and believe it makes them some kind of hero!

That's an incredibly nasty comment. No single parent (I've only come across single mothers myself) I've ever met has fitted that profile. 'Enjoy', 'victim hood'. FFS. 😡