to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

Lone parent for 14 years. It's definitely hard when you also work full time/have a career. Especially when they are young.

But much easier than having a man baby as a husband who treats you like a support human.

I'd take lone parenting over a crap partner everyday.

I’m a single parent and I really appreciate your post!

I don’t think it’s patronising at all- it’s nice to know that someone acknowledges my hard work because my ExH certainly doesn’t!

you’ve reminded me to pay myself on the back!

Hope you have a lovely day!

And small kids =small problems/ big kids= big problems, so of course you still have to parent them.

Exactly this. Everything being down to me can be exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. And all decisions being my call has been stressful at times. And I’m on a good salary but still worry that our financial security is solely down to me.

My two are now 18 and 15 so the hands on help is less important these days (would have been great 10 years ago though!).

Solo parenting is tough and unless you’ve done it, or are doing it, it is difficult to understand the reality.

I'm not sure if your post was a genuine attempt at lifting single parents up, or a humblebrag about how you don't have to do this all the time. Either way, it would be worth reading through the comments and reflecting on why you got this reaction.

FWIW I was a lone parent from when DD10 was 0-6. DD has significant SEN. She's had 2 open heart surgeries, 2 other surgeries and endless appointments etc. She was tube fed and on 19 doses of medication a day. A decade later and I can still remember every medication, even though she's managed to kick all but 2. She still doesn't sleep through.

I did 99% of hospital appointments alone, and I was alone for the majority of DDs many many hospital admissions. I had sole responsibility for all her tube feeds, meaning I slept in increments of less than an hour because even though DD was fed three hourly she had severe reflux so every feed came up. I was only 19 when DD was born, so I was barely an adult myself. Yet I had to live with the knowledge that it was on me to notice any deterioration, because I was on my own at home.

Even when DD was well it was the constant pressure of bills, transport, appointments etc.

If I had a pound for every time someone In a long term partnership told me that I'm this inspirational, strong, amazing mother and they they couldn't cope with what DD has been through, then I would be an incredibly rich woman. I hated it then and I hate it now. Because it's patronising and it's a lie. They would cope because they would have to cope. Coping is the bare minimum.

Oh come on - that's trying really hard to find something to be offended about.

Same here.

If the single-income thing is fine with you OP you can donate your H's income to me because I've been a single parent for over ten years now and the single-income thing is fucking exhausting.

No matter how hard you try you can never make enough money, and promotions are harder to get when you're also the single point of contact for the school when the kids catch nits/throw up/forget the kit that need for the school play this afternoon, etc and you're also the only one there when they're too sick to go to school. Add in the fact you can only work hours when childcare is available until they reach their early teens.

Once mine did reach early teens I tried doing two full-time jobs. It helped with the single-income thing. It made the exhaustion worse.

The single-income thing is the hardest thing about being a single parent, ime. You get used to the rest of it. It becomes routine. You never get used to trying to run a family on one income.

Thank you

I was lone parent of dc with additional needs and no family. Unless you've been in that position you can't possibly understand how relentless it is. Hardest job in the world.

It's definitely the lack of hands. Try existing on 3 hours sleep a night for years.

Been a single parent since mine was a toddler and had no choice but to get on with it. It quickly just became the routine. I always the appreciate a bit of well meaning praise though, thanks! 👍🏻 <bows>

What I'd really like most for non-single parents (mostly the judgey ones) to remember is that the vast majority of us single parents did not choose to be single parents.
Therefore I will never, ever understand the stigma/hostility/in some cases, plain vitriol against and often even towards, us, as though we're all^^ a scourge on society or have "made their bed so should lie in it" (that last one is a direct quote).

Another point that also seems to be often overlooked is the fact that those who've tragically lost their spouse/DP or have left abusive or violent marriages are also single parents. So those of you who do raise a judgey eyebrow (I assure you this does happen, a lot!) would be wise to remember this before posting LTB.

Sorry OP, I agree with the others too. Teenagers can look after themselves. I barely see mine from one day to the next.

I also have such massive respect for single parents, but I am also failing to understand what was so difficult about parenting a 14 year old for a few days. Please elaborate on this. I’m not even considering the 18 year old.

I was a single parent for years and the absolute worst part of it was dc's dad not showing up/showing up so late dc would be asleep/ex generally being a massive twat or worse, undoing my parenting.
With hindsight he really was an abysmal little toad to try to Co parent with.

I have 4 dc now and an amazing dp who genuinely does 50% of everything with me.
If he works away or is on nights I do think how much there would be chaos without the 2 of us both doing our share.

Why thank you. 27 year old and 15 year old, all by myself, bad choices! We muddle through.

Because you have to.

I brought my son up myself and is negatives and positives with doing it alone, and the negative is not much support but the positives is only had ourselves to look after and no man giving me hassle or grief. He is in his 20's now and we have a good bond and he is a great young man but would have been nice to have support say if I was sick or son sick but then when you read on here all the men who do not support their wives/partners when they are ill. Am happy single and independent but was lovely having a relaxed home with no tension.

Hands on help to do what?. Are your children one of the ones that get everything done for them?. You are doing them no favours.

I don't think you are being patronising OP just catching half a glimpse of how the other half live. 🙂
I've been on my own since ds was 2 so 13 years. I work full time, run a house, raise ds, deal with everything from illness to finances to renovating a house, just as many single mums do. No local family support.
I've been made redundant twice in those years, diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer. Protected ds from it all. Still got two years to go.
I get very cross at the sometimes sneery way people talk about single mums. Most of us work our socks off. I only have one very easy dc. I know one single mum who has four and just motors on through.

Single mums rock 🤗

I was about to nod my head in agreement until you said their ages.

I think this post has come from a good place, I agree OP. I have a friend who is a single mum of 3 under 10 and she amazes me, she’s resilient, head strong and always the first person to offer me any help if I need it despite juggling 101 things at once. I have nothing but admiration for her patience and determination and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be financially and mentally on top of the stuff I don’t see.

see the income thing and decision making thing is fine,

You've no idea. I think you meant your OP well, but you lack any insight into life as a single parent. You adapt to being on your own in a practical sense, that's not the hardest bit.

It's not having another adult to support you, to share the challenging & positive times with, to share financial worries & unexpected costs with - that's what's hard. The 'aloneness'.

You can't say it's 'fine' if you've never done it.

Single parents to two of the same age.

thanks for your thoughts op but a few days of love parenting really, really doesn’t compare. It’s the long term stuff - sole financial responsibility, sole responsibility for all decisions, admin, logistics and parenting, being knackered all the time.

plus having done it for years, being bone-weary by the time your reach the teen stage.

Appreciate you meant well but hopefully you can recognise how it came across as a teeny bit patronising to those of us who deal with this shit year in, year out.

14 and 18..... I do hope the OP has survived after doing the bed and bath routine last night for the 5th time, poor woman must be exhausted.

Thank you! Not patronizing. X

I am a single parent and was raised by a single parent. So I don't know if we were raised and do raise our DC differently, but by 14 and 18 we pretty much worked as a unit. It is nothing like parenting a younger child who you need to help them with most things.

Is this a thing? Do we raise our DC to be a bit more independent purely as they just have to be?

Has your DH never been away for this length of time before OP?

But can you not see why your post comes across a bit snide? It's not really about the practical side, it's more the permanent emotional, financial and sole responsibility of parenting that is the most difficult part.

Aye this is what I thought! Of course op thinks it's fine when she doesn't have to survive off one income 😂😭 I have a decent job and work my arse Off and study part time aswell and I have bugger all to show for it, if I even had a partner living with me on minimum wage I'd still be so much better off than I am now!