to be amazed at how single parents cope

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DH has been away for 4 days and I have been looking after the DC on my own. They are 14 and 18 and great and really helpful, but it has been so much harder on my own!

I work FT and they are at school, so out of the house most of the time, but DS1 is off to uni in September and so school work is pressing, DS2 is starting GCSE's in September and so the same.

Nothing extra special or drastic, just honestly hats off to those who do this day in day out

I've never been a single parent, but whenever my DH goes away and is uncontactable for a few days I've weirdly found an upside is that me and my DD becomes incredibly close. Like it's just us two, and I love it.

I won't pretend to understand what being a single parent is like, but I do wonder if you feel closer to your DC when you're the sole caregiver

How utterly patronising. One of your ‘children’ is an adult, I was a lone parent at their age!

Nobody in a relationship will ever have a clue what it’s like to be a lone parent 247…a spouse away for a week or two is never going to be the same.

It’s isolating, exhausting and extra stressful with the what ifs if they are sick how do I work and pay the bills and so on.

I was waiting for the months I didn't realise it was actual years. The 18 YO is an adult. The 14 YO should be pretty self sufficient...

As a single parent, I'll take your post in the spirit it was intended,op, and say thankyou for the sentiment, it's appreciated. Ignore the negative comments. Some of them are pretty unkind and unnecessary. Your op was positive and kind. Thankyou x

Yes! Or a Tory MP sleeping on the street for one night as a PR exercise so they can understand what it’s like to be homeless or living in poverty. 🤣

What are you doing for an adult and near adult? I was cooking my dinners for myself and basically living independent at 15 - my mother gave me an allowance and was living by myself at 18.

Parenting is hard it is difficult .

I am a Lp to a teen with SN’s and no family support..

Physical care gets easier - less need to get up in the night , they can cook themselves . If you are ill generally can survive with a little money thrown at them .

The most challenging for me is no back up - no one to say teen you are no out of order . No one yo bounce off when you had a tough day . No one to share the heartache and joys .

Logisics of holidays / childcare - working when child is sick.

I do think you are well intentioned Op however it’s a bit like rich house/ poor house you don’t understand the longevity of it unless living it every day .

You Dh is at the end of a phone - would come home if an emergency .

It depends whether the teens need driving to school or college, presumably need food buying and making, taxi service, emotional support most eves in gcse year, just a lot of support, have I been doing it all wrong? Found teens harder than little kids, mine quite difficult at times, am lone parent, I find it emotionally demanding as much as anything with two girls (have no boys so no idea).

Everyone is obviously different but for me yes, I do think I have a much closer relationship to my children than a lot of my married friends. Many years ago when they were all around 2/3yo I remember a lot of friends at various times mentioning how sulky their partners got if they spent too long with DC or didn't pay them as much attention. It was used as an excuse for increased porn behaviour for one of the dads, even. So yes, I do wonder if married women are conditioned out of being so close to their children with certain men who need a lot of reassurance at the expense of their children.

Yeah we're not being rude. We're all genuinely curious what you need to do for essentially 2 adult/near adults. By 11 I was hoovering, washing the kitchen floor etc. It's not like you need a mum running around after you once you're at secondary school.

Here you are, @FunnysInLaJardin just having a thought for single parents and this is how it goes 😂

It's not that hard op jesus.

I dont think in a million years you were trying to be patronising. You were trying to say well done as you've found it harder. I have a 14 and 18 year old and mine barely need anything, very independent so I think that's the point people are trying to make, they are just being dicks about it.

Thank you @FunnysInLaJardin .

I am just marvellous, and I remind myself every day 🥂.

I was a single mum to five, youngest was 2, oldest was 9 when I split with their dad. To be honest, I was grateful for ANYONE who acknowledged just how horrifically exhausting, and terrifying it was to be utterly broke (their father contributed not a penny once he'd gone), to have to run a car on no income and managing kids being ill, Christmas presents for 5 and the sheer awfulness of having nobody to confide in. They are all grown up now, thankfully, but I am still single and I look back on those days and wonder how the hell we all survived.

So I am taking OPs post in the spirit I think it was meant. Any kind of appreciation for the hard work of solo parenting should be taken, because there's so little of it.

If OP is really just overwhelmed with twice the driving and food shopping, I'm wondering why she didn't also express amazement at married parents of 4 kids.

Unless stated otherwise an 18yo can help with that anyway.

Yes I give my teens emotional support but not so intensely that the presence or absence of another parent (who they can presumably call if needed) would be felt over 4 nights. I can go 4 nights and barely see my 18yo!

Bold of you to assume I cope 🙈 the thing I find the hardest is the guilt and worry. Like others have said it's the fact that's its all on you. I'm on just over minimum wage and we get by and even if I had one other adult on minimum wage living here our quality of life would improve so much more.

ODFOD

This. Totally this. Especially when you’ve got teens - there’s nothing difficult in the day to day that is tiring and difficult. It’s all the financial and other responsibility, and emotional labour with no one else to run things past.

If you had babies I’d be more sympathetic to what you’re saying - very little ones are difficult just in terms of getting through each evening. But you’d still have all the above responsibility on top of that.

I actually find single parenting much better. But this was because my first ex was a nasty man and the second one morphed into a lazy arsehole as soon as I was pregnant. I was basically doing everything all myself anyway. As a single parent I get the odd night off when they go to their dad and society acknowledges my life is hard now where before it was assumed I had a husbands support not extra burden. That's when society is done judging me for making my stupid choices about choosing men who only turned out abusive/lazy AFTER I'm pregnant.

I'm a single mum to a kid with significant issues and disability, so it is hard I'm not gonna lie, but he would be like this if I wasn't single.

I do find it amusing you have struggled with kids as old as yours are OP. but I do agree kids that age certainly need parenting still. I was working age 14 and my parents certainly did nothing for me in my teens as I was capable. And look what happened- I couldn't recognise abusive lazy selfish men 🤷‍♀️

I am out the other end after getting divorced with 3 of exact same ages, now all grown.
I remember how lovely it was to be appreciated for all I was doing as a lone parent.

Being a single parent is much easier when your ExOH was a complete shit.

My children are the same age as yours but I've been full SP for 13 years...the best thing I could have ever done however your OH is obviously worth missing when he's away for a few days so please make sure he knows that!!

I've just skimmed the thread....but I'll take the recognition for it being hard.
I'm a lone parent to a 14 yo (24 yo has left home). Mostly it's just fine. Now and again it really stinks and I feel very alone with the responsibility.
DS is a decent enough lad, but he's being a bit of a dick at school. Nothing terrible, mainly immaturity - mucking about, not doing homework.
Sometimes I want to throw my hands in the air and reply to the teacher emails saying that I just don't know what to do; that I don't have any support. Of course I don't because he is my responsibility. I feel like such a failure at times, not just about the issues that arise but my ability to handle them (I am low on resilience a lot of the time).

..and of course 14 yo's need parenting!