To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I'm confused
Her Dad thanked you, and was very grateful
That's good.
Her mum gave you the socks back (your daughter's socks back) a couple of weeks later and didn't say anything about the shoes.
Maybe she didn't think she needed to? Doesn't mean she wasn't thankful.

Someone actually did something like this for me when I was a child (it was a coat- not shoes). I was used to being clothed in charity shop clothing and a friends mum bought me a coat from C&A (which I thought was dead fancy) after she made some comments about my coat being flimsy when we were out late-night Christmas shopping. I remember being confused about why my mum was annoyed at the time. It was only when I was older that the penny dropped. We were poor and my mum felt embarrassed and ashamed. It just makes me feel sad for my mum when I think about it now :(

It was a kind practical gesture of goodwill that came from the heart.

If she's embarrassed, well, frankly, she should be, letting her child go out in shoes that have fallen apart to that degree, regardless of the COL crisis.

You meant well but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Put yourself in her mum’s shoes. Nobody wants to be thought of as a charity case and the assumption that she couldn’t sort out her own child’s school shoes does seem a bit condescending. She’s embarrassed. You could have at least mentioned it to her first.

Leave it and move on.

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is upset that the chef commented on her shoes and Elaine says how embarrassing it was for her and the guys didn’t see it that way at all.

In some weird way this situation reminds me of that. The mum may feel completely different to her husband on this case. Husband said thanks but the wife is embarrassed and emotional.

I also wonder how the kid saw it all. She’s over at your place and suddenly you take her and your kid to an expensive shoe shop. The kid comes home to a situation that’s hard for her to understand as a child. Why is mum upset or embarrassed (or angry maybe) and fighting with dad about it? She may have wished she didn’t have the shoes after all.

It’s not about the money and that you did a gesture that financially doesn’t impact you. It’s the emotional cost that’s come from this and that may have cost the friendship and trouble in that family.

That would have been perfect.

I think you enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful a littld too much!

Like the people who post on Facebook or other social media how they have money or food to the homeless

I'm a messy person. I have ADHD and find it hard to organise, plan and tidy. My house is usually a mess.
Sometimes friends come to visit and instantly start tidying. They mean well but it's humiliating for me. In my head they're thinking either "lazy cow" or "incompetent twit" It feels like criticism.
I think your friend probably feels a bit like this; that you think that she is an incompetent parent who can't provide for her own child. She probably feels criticised.
Btw, I can also be a person who rushes in to rescue so I do get that too but sometimes you have to remember that some people are very uncomfortable with being rescued.

Don’t worry Op, I agree YANBU.

Sophie’s shoes were obv in a state and she should not have to walk around in wet socks to save her mum’s pride.

Especially as you get a lot of second hand stuff from her, I also understand why it was ok to treat Sophie.

I think posters on here suggesting you should have given Sophie a spare pair are being absolutely ridiculous. They don’t seem to consider kids aren’t the same shoe size. My DS doesn’t have ‘spare’ shoes either, and once he grows out of them, I get rid of them to avoid clutter.

Maybe just text saying you’d like to clear the air. Say you hope she’s ok with the new shoes, say you understand how shows can just fall apart one day and you were very happy to be able to treat Sophie as you’re always very grateful for the hand me downs you get from her.

You did a good thing, @southwing— be happy with that.

I’d be mortified if another family stepped in to buy shoes for one of my children, needed or not. It’s incredibly humbling.

You say you’d be happy, but I’m not entirely sure you would be. Imagine having someone thinking you’re sooo poor that they have to purchase shoes for your child.

Leave it. And allow your daughter and her friend to continue their friendship.

From the responses on this thread:

Child neglect - cool
Embarrassing mothers (but not father, who has the cash to pay back) - not cool

I think you overstepped. In that situation I would have "happened to find" some shoes in the cupboard that I put away for my own DD to grow into, but which were now to small (or her size but to narrow, or possibly given to you but no use for whatever reason), then asked mum/dad if she would like them so they don't go to waste.

I think there’s a huge difference though between being poor and not monitoring when your child needs new shoes. Op hasn’t referenced this family having money troubles and the dad offered to pay back.

Op references both soles coming apart, which i think is unlikely to have happened to both of them that day.

Just seen that Sophie is bigger then your own DD. In which case I would have said they were handed down to you by someone else, but you just don't have the space to store everything until your DD grows into it. I'd also have tried to offer before the old shoes broke, so it was a little less obvious.

I have to be honest and say I think these suggestions are getting silly. These women are friends and should be able to be honest with eachother rather than having to tell fibs.

If they were that close, then the friend would have asked. If friend had come to her and said "I'm skint and can't afford new shoes for my child, please help" then I would agree, but only if it comes from the one needing help. The other way round the op is effectively saying "I think you can't provide for your child, so decided to step in", which very few people ate going to appreciate being told. Maybe the friend doesn't see the op as close enough to have that kid of conversation with, hence why the relationship is now strained.

I think the most important thing in this situation is that Sophie has a pair of serviceable, water-tight shoes for school and the adults' feelings are secondary to that. Her mum will just have to find a way of getting over it.

ok yes, maybe op could have messaged her friend to let her know they were just popping out shoe shopping as her shoes had broken. But even then i don’t think it was necessary. The fact that op also just mentioned it to Sophie’s dad at pick up was also fine.

But the fact is, regardless of reason, the kid should not have had to go to school the next day with broken socks and wet shoes. It’s also ok to help your friends.

*broken shoes and wet socks!

I have done similar before but I tend to give new items my kids have not worn much or cheaper items. Clarks school shoes are very expensive it would have come across like you were showing off you could afford them to buy and give away.
And whats with giving wet socks back? Simple to dry on rad

Op if you’d have texted sophie’s mum about buying shoes, it’s also quite possible she’d have replied saying ‘oh no need to, we’ll get her some new shoes’ and then possibly not have done.

You mentioned they have another baby on the way so it sounds like they may benefit from being referred to a baby bank or something.

You had good intentions but I would be mortified if another parent felt the need to take my child out and buy them new shoes.

Even as a good friend, this is overstepping and it did make her into a charity case. She's embarrassed, OP.

It might have been better as a good friend to have a conversation about whether you could buy Sophie a new pair of shoes for her birthday, before taking her out to get them.

This. I'd be quite cross about it. It's overstepping a boundary and a bit weird.