To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

You did a really nice thing

And the mum is, for whatever reason, off with you.

Do a good thing, get a smack in the face. Typical for Britain I'm afraid. What I really don't understand though, is why people then wonder why nobody wants to do a good thing anymore.

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow. I woud not have any negative feelings at all.

I think this is your problem @southwing. You are only going by your own response, and find it hard to see it from another's perspective.

Not just Lady Bountiful but Lady Arrogant 🤣🤣

You've overstepped the mark and embarrassed Sophie's mum. You openly admit that it gave you a feeling of joy and satisfaction to buy her new shoes but you didn't stop to think how her mother might feel about that. I'd be pussed off if one of my children's friend's mothers had taken my child to a shoe shop and bought shoes for them without asking me first.

So what about what went through Sophie's head? So one minute she is being picked up from school and the next minute she is sat in Clarkes having her feet measured for new shoes! Year 1, so 5/6? Old enough to be confused as Mummy usually takes me to buy new shoes.

I took on board what the majority said though with a caveat that although I’m built differently and dont necessarily ‘understand’ I can now ‘see’ it

I got defensive, yes, at the posts who are unnecessarily obnoxious and judgemental

Of course I wouldn’t take her for a haircut and it is very different than replacing unusable shoes that makes the feet wet and cold - I did not know if Sophie would be able to have a new pair by Monday knowing her parents’ situation but this is only my assumption so I accept the blame for

• assuming
• acting on impulse
• making the wrong decision

But I do still think that some responses here are obnoxiously rude and if trying to make myself and my motives / personality understood also makes me a persecutor than I guess I accept that too

Crikey that's a bit harsh..yes the OP has undoubtedly embarrassed her friend which is unfortunate but she's obviously in a decent financial position and seeing the poor kid in wet socks and holey shoes she did a kind thing.
It's a bit much in my opinion for her friend to be so offhand and rude.

It's a kind gesture but they could feel ashamed. It would have been much better to tell them the shoes had failed and can you pick up a cheapish pair to tide her over purely for short term practical reasons? So shoezone/primark rather than Clarks. They could see the pricier shoes and wish that money couldn't gone towards something else. Some people would consider Clarks a waste of money when their feet will grow so quickly. It's a bit like being given a chicken when you can't afford the electric to cook it. They know they can't reciprocate either.

I am a giver. I have also bought people gifts, many times.

But sometimes, it's too much for people. They somehow feel indebted, or obliged, or....I don't know what.
Perhaps some people just cannot fathom genuine gists out, if they are not givers themselves.

The child needed dry socks and shoes so not wrong in that respect. Perhaps it would have been less embarrassing for the parents if you had said they were your DDs spares rather than making a point of having bought them by giving the box etc that’s the only thing that is a bit off about the situation imo.

I think best thing to do if they are genuinely your/dd’s friends is to speak to the mum about it and maybe emphasise that you assumed the shoes had broken at school that day, didn’t want to send her home with no shoes for next day and as you were passing a shoe shop anyway you thought it would be helpful to grab a similar pair as a birthday gift. But in retrospect you are worried that it has come across the wrong way. You want them to know there was no hidden meaning behind it, just a spur of the moment thing.

I hope that what changes is that you can gain some empathy and recognise that not everyone is like you.

Not being uncomfortable about being in receipt of charity, is not the kind of virtue that you seen to think it is.
There were any number of ways that you could have done this more sensitively. Buying expensive Clarks shoes rather than cheap ones or charity shop ones would have been just about okay. Or passing some old ones on. But I'd feel incredibly awkward if a random school parent bought Clarks shoes for my child.

What you did signified that you thought the parents had sent their child out in substandard clothing. You implied substandard parenting. And without asking if it was okay, you bought expensive shoes to replace them. Then handed over the box and packaging to demonstrate your generosity.

You were so far over the line that if you turned round you wouldn't be able to see it. Poor woman.

I think what you did came from a place of kindness OP, though I think I would have felt embarrassed and a bit judged (though I appreciate that you are in no way judging). But I would have made light of it and thanked you given you did a nice thing.

maybe go back and read ALL my posts and get some empathy yourself?

how about that?

I think you did a very kind thing, but I think the Mum is embarrassed, but I’m sure she is very grateful.

I just can't believe that you don't see why this would offend someone. Its basically "these weren't good enough so I've replaced them". The insinuation is that either they can't afford to provide for her properly or are just being crap parents and not bothering. Neither of these is going to make a mum feel good is it?

Complaining about the cost of things is her opening up to you and now it's turned into a charity thing, something she didn't ask for. You've probably made her feel really inadequate.

Last post I promissed

It was not about old shoes not being good enough - they were absolutely desteoyed - unable to be used ever again

And I ‘see’ NOW after posting how some ppl seeing it as offensive

No - I did not see ‘before’ posting as I had zero intention to offend

Dad said thank you- I'm not sure why mum needed to as well- and you'd stated they were a gift. You've also decided she's now weird with you- it was a singular play date, after a party- maybe she was having a rough day. You seem to be looking for something that maybe juts isn't there.

I agree you could easily have lent her a spare pair of shoes of your daughters

But Sophie is bigger than OP's DD, so I would assume her shoe size is larger, too.

I think it's weird that the mum is weird about it. I'd be so thankful, what a great level of friendship. Sophie had Clark's shoes and you bought her Clark's shoes. Like for like.

I also think it's extremely reasonable for both parents to say thank you.

Hardly ‘barely knew’ 🙄

You don't know what the dad said to the mum. He may have said he felt belittled or embarrassed.

If they’re such good friends, why not ring them, explain what happened and that you’re replacing the shoes wi th out expectations? You put them in an awkward position. And if they’re friends it’s odd you didn’t ask.

Presumably they're at work if OP did school pick-up?

Your heart was in the right place and you had the purest intentions. But it probably embarrassed her mum.

You have to let people have their pride. It is always better to lie and claim shoes you give a child are spare ones your MIL bought for your DC that do not properly fit her - maybe they will fit your child? Pride matters.