To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

The father thanked you, so no need for the mother to double thank you. Yes, you overstepped and hurt her pride. That's the sort of thing I should be taking care of for my child. It's way too personal for another parent to do. Maybe she doesn't feel thankful and isn't a hypocrite, so isn't going to say thank you where she doesn't mean it?

Absolutely this

Have to agree with this.

I’m really not understanding all these ongoing replies about Sophie’s mum being ‘mortified’ and how it’s her responsibility to get new shoes. Why are people not more concerned about Sophie being sent to school in broken shoes? That’s what her mum should be mortified about. Not someone else buying Sophie shoes.

Agree entirely. The parents should be more mortified that their child didn't have acceptable shoes than that someone else noticed and sorted the problem. Why should Sophia have to go about with cold, wet feet to save her parents' feelings?

Child comes first, feelings second.

And if they feel that the OP might think Sophia is "neglected" - well, why not call a spade a spade?

It was a good deed for you to do, but you went a bit overboard with presenting the box and old shoes, so of course the mum is embarrassed.

If you'd pitched it as "we went to the park, your DD shoes got destroyed so I picked up some new ones", then handed back the old shoes in a plastic bag, and not the box, the mum would probably be more comfortable with it.

Also, the dad had already thanked you, not sure why you feel the mum has to do the same thing.

I did a similar thing in diff circumstances - I sort of knew I crossed a line and was not expecting a thankyou ( never got one ) didn’t bother me if parent was offended because it was about a little girl - not them.

I know I'd feel embarrassed and like a poor parent if someone else bought my child school shoes. Although I think what you did came from a really lovely place, I can understand friend's mum might be feeling embarrassed / annoyed.

The double gifts may be mostly what annoyed your friend. It would have been better to wrap up a big packet of sweets and give this.

In your place, I’d text her and apologise. Say you’re embarrassed about what you think might have overstepped and you initially bought the shoes as a birthday gift then you thought about all the clothes she’s given you. That you’ve been wanting to pay her back in some way for a while now and you hope this hasn’t spoiled your arrangement. Don’t mention her behaviour. Don’t expect a response. Just let her process this. If she responds with ‘I thought the shoes were the birthday gift’, just repeat that you thought about this afterwards and felt that wasn’t enough because of how much she’s saved you.

I really don't get why OP handed over the box, that made it very obvious they were expensive shoes. That plus saying about how the mum didn't say thank you makes it feel as if the OP wants more acknowledgement of her good deed. I would have down played that and said something casual like this. A cheap pair is one thing, buying expensive shoes then making it obvious that they were expensive wasn't necessary. The needed outcome was that the child had the shoes, not that the parents knew OP had spent a lot on them.

You say you didn't expect another thank you from her mum but are annoyed she didn't acknowledge the shoes. How else would you expect her to acknowledge them other than by thanking you?
She doesn't need to thank you, she didn't ask or possibly want you to buy her DD shoes. Dad has already thanked you. It sounds like you think mum should be eternally grateful.
I've struggled for money and would have felt totally humiliated if a parent had brought my DD new shoes. I'd feel humiliated now as I can afford to buy new shoes.
I think you thought it was a nice thing to do (even if you do think mum should be really grateful) but you crossed the line. You should have lent Sophie a pair of DDs shoes if you wanted to do something.

I would bet my sons clarkes shoes that the dad didn't translate that it was a birthday gift to the mum.

Op said that she wasn’t actually expecting another thank you, more that the lack of acknowledgement seemed strange, which i get.

Op, please don’t apologise for anything. Clear the air if you need to, but don’t apologise. You mention Sophie being at your house a lot so it sounds like you also feed her quite a lot. This couple is also making the decision to have another baby while living in unsuitable accommodation and not providing proper shoes for their existing child. Sounds like you’re helping them a lot, you’re glad to do so and you have nothing to apologise for.

Yes agreed, lots of weird responses to this thread

I think it's a weird thing to do. I would have fished a pair of trainers out so she could get home ok but definitely not have bought new Clarks shoes. You also seem to be a bit self congratulatory. The other mum will give you a wide berth now. Lesson learned.

Really?
You have clearly never known poverty.
There are millions of kids out there who have loving parents who just can't afford essentials anymore. If this is neglect then it's state sanctioned. Working families, living in mouldy, 1 bedroomed flats, just shouldn't be happening.

@Rosebel @decionsdecisions62 op has already clarified that sophie has a bigger shoe size than her DD so spare shoes was not an option.

Wow. I really can barely believe that you bought a child new shoes and don’t understand how insulting that is. And you expect them to fall at your feet in gratitude. 😳

What you did was a lovely thing and the father had already thanked you. The mother was probably a little embarrassed and sad that you could buy them and they could not. She might even have planned to say thank you at the park, but found it a bit difficult and awkward when the time came.

op did not expect lots of gratitude. There’s a difference between that and sophie’s mum acting out of character with her. What would your solution be then? Let sophie continue to have wet feet all day at school?

I’m sorry but you clearly don’t understand the COL crisis for lots of people.

The OP has said this family are so skint that they’re in a 1 bed flat that’s mouldy. There is a risk they will be made homeless. Just being able to go out and buy new shoes is not an option when you have literally no money to do so. Have you not heard of “heating or eating”? That’s the reality for so many families.

That’s not to say they’re not embarrassed by not being able to buy new shoes or that another parent felt the need to step in and buy them. It highlights the issue and makes it clear that others know they can’t afford things. They may now be worried SS will be round due to their ‘neglect’.

I suggested giving the girl a pair of DD’s shoes before the OP said her feet were bigger. I’d have probably tried to find a pair of crocs/sliders/flipflops that would have worked for now. Maybe bought the girl a nice pair of black fancy shoes/boots (that would be suitable for school) for her birthday but actually wrapped them and given them on her birthday.

But she did expect gratitude. She is perturbed that she has not been ‘acknowledged” by the mother. But what would that look like other than more thanks, even though the father has already said thanks.

I don’t understand your question about school, Sophie came to their house after school. I would have taken her shoes and socks off as they played inside, lent a pair of socks for going home in. It’s not hard. 🤷‍♀️

@southwing I think you’ve been given a hard time on this thread. If you are good friends with this mum and you know that they are dealing with a lot on their plate right now, then try not to take her demeanour personally. Her demeanour might just be a reflection of how stressed she is.

To be honest i wouldn’t have done either of those things you suggested.

1. if the only people in your house are adults, their crocs are not going to fit a 5 year old are they.
2. Buying school shoes as a gift may be a bit risky when the child hasn’t been fitted for them

The reasoning for the child not having functioning shoes doesn’t really matter. The fact was, she needed some shoes and was bought some.

They're probably annoyed or embarrassed. But you ABU to expect recognition, she's either ashamed or pissed off, or both. Next time just nip to ASDA for a pair of plimsolls for the playdate. Odd that you're such good friends but can't have a conversation about shoes...

I'd have done what you did but presented it as "We had these in the cupboard, they didn't quite fit DD but we missed the returns window".

I run a food bank. We regularly help people with anything from mobiles to prams to coats to shoes. I've learnt that the easiest way to do it is to simply say, we have this, maybe you could use it?