To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

The brand isn't necessarily the issue. The lack of communication and consideration may well be, though.

I actually have lived in poverty with only had pennies to spend on food, though I didn't grow up in poverty. I wonder if that makes any difference to pride. If I'd had a child depending on me, I would have taken any help I could get.

There's no way of knowing how the friend of the OP's feels. I'm commenting more on the posters who say they would have thrown the shoes back in the OP's faces. It's just weird. Embarrassment I can understand. Humiliation not really. It wasn't a public calling out. It was between two friends.

@MariaVT65 you are saying the parent was neglectful then rather than just poor?

Maybe those who think this is a good idea can buy expensive shoes for poor classmates of your DC and then post a photo of the shoes on facebook to show just what a kind person you are?

It is charity. It creates an imbalance of power and leaves the recipient feeling humiliated.

I'd absolutely hate it if another mum bought shoes for my DD. It's not your child to buy shoes for – how patronising!

I have to say I'd really hate this.

It reminds me of when I was at uni (lived with four flatmates) and one of my flatmates mums came down, decided our living room was messy, and cleaned the entire downstairs, including rearranging all the furniture.

She seemed to think we'd be pleased. I was livid, but bit my tongue.

I think the mum probably feels like that. It was a really rude thing to do IMO

I know you meant to be kind, but unfortunately you have probably cost your daughter a friend. I know that if I was the other mother, I would be mortified and feel judged. I would be declining playdates and social events after that, and be encouraging my daughter to make other friends.
So the moral os, unless you want your daughter to be friendless, keep a healthy distance between your daughter's friends and their families.

Well we don’t know for sure what the actual reason was for the broken shoes do we. Op mentioned COL issues but also mentioned she is pregnant and her DH works long hours, maybe alluding to a possibility she may have a lot on her mind and forgotten or something. I have to wonder if Sophie is going without things now, how much more will she go without once there is a baby around.

If the issue was affordibility, sophie’s mum could have sent her to school in another pair of shoes she had and explained to the school that her shoes have broken and they will get new shoes asap. They could ask for help, they could be referred to a clothing bank etc. Anything that prevents sophie from going to school in wet feet really.

I’m also with some other posters about a possible culture thing here thougy. I’m british but from a foreign family and we all help each other out. People have helped me out before and instead of being offended, i am grateful, remember their kindness and return any favours when i can.

@MariaVT65 she may not have another pair of shoes to send her in. That may be her only shoes.
And if you think the DC are being neglected, you are not helping each other out. You are doing the job a parent should be doing but is not because they are neglecting a child.

Hi Op I am someone who gives a lot of stuff when I can (I try to be generous) - but I think you behaved inappropriately. You bought something so much more expensive than she could hope to return to you!

Also you chose something important - school shoes. I would have said - hey I have some old shoes and wondered if you would like etc. Not taken her to a really expensive shoe shop

also - you did it as a gift then are annoyed she isn't glad enough? that steps into being unkind and pushy territory. At the very least - accept honestly she may feel really embarrased and don't blame her for it.

I think you meant well, but I think it would have been more appropriate to pick up a quick pair for a tenner from Asda. In that situation as the mum, I would have appreciated the Asda shoes more than the Clark’s ones.

You want too much acknowledgment. Dad thanked you.

Your heart was in the right place, however I think you overstepped.

If Sophie didn’t have another pair of shoes then all the more reason for op to get some new ones.

I think neglect is a strong word here because apart from the shoes, i don’t know anything else that goes on do i. Only that they live in unsuitable accommodation and sophie seeme to be at op’s house quite a lot.

i honestly don’t get the problem with helping a kid here if there parents aren’t doing it. The issue here is that we really don’t know why she was having to wear broken shoes.

@MariaVT65 are you happy for other parents to buy your child expensive things if they think you are not parenting correctly?

I’m not really sure why you’re using the term ‘parenting correctly’. What part of a little kid having soaked feet because her shoes are broken doesn’t warrant new shoes? This should be less about the mum’s pride or whatever, and more about a way to get this kid some new shoes.

Also op has said the broken shoes were also clarks. If the broken shoes were primark and op bought her air force ones, then i’d understand that point more. But she was replacing like for like.

I'm also wondering if it's cultural. I'm also British with foreign parents.

Honestly, if I was feeling anxious about CoL, mold in my flat as this mum was, I wouldn't feel angry, I'd feel relieved that I could use the money to pay for something else.

It would be different if it was a misunderstanding about how much money I had - then I could afford to be outraged.

God mine spent an entire week sneaking his "but mum they're reeeeeeally comfy!" knackered ones out of the bin despite having 2 brand new pairs of Clarks on the rack. One day we didn't notice and I got a call from school saying his soles were flapping 😳so good job you didn't meet us that week. We're fine for money I'm just very easily distracted at 8.50am!

I am not English. The difference is the reciprocal nature of helping each other out. Not charity.
All those saying they see no issue with this - have you ever had so little money that your child has to wear their one pair of falling apart shoes until you can buy more on payday?

The issue here is that sophie's parents have likely sent her to school knowing her shoes were broken and have not either sought help, sent her in other shoes and explained to the school etc.

You are making no sense!

If they haven't asked for help, what makes you think they would want their friend paying for a new pair?

What exactly would you have them 'explain' to the school, btw?

Totally overstepped the mark.

The most you do in these circumstances is give a pair of dry socks. I'd have been mortified if another parent had have bought one of our dc new shoes .

Pride is all very well but it doesn't keep children's feet dry.

Shoes are a need. Not wishing to encounter uncomfortable feelings is a want.

She took her to the shop to buy them...

I’m also with some other posters about a possible culture thing here thougy. I’m british but from a foreign family and we all help each other out. People have helped me out before and instead of being offended, i am grateful, remember their kindness and return any favours when i can.

same here. In my culture, if you are close enough to be moaning about money to a friend, the friend would be close enough to be buying shoes as a gift to my child who has broken shoes. It is obviously with good intentions. Some posters make OP feel like she committed a crime for helping out a child in need.

I would accept it, be grateful and when I have money, reciprocate with some other gift. British people make life too complicated for themselves and relationships end up too shallow and cold...

No one here believes that school shoes are a suitable gift for a friends child. It's weird to even claim that. The mum knows this as well. This is where the issues lie.

It's weird and uncalled for.

What if she wanted to be the one to go shoe shopping with her daughter?

It might feel a bit like you were muscling in.