To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

My guess is you have never faced the humiliation of being poor.

"But it’s not wonderful. She’s upset the mother. It’s not about feeling wonderful yourself. It’s about empathy and sensitivity surely?"

I think it is about doing the right thing at that moment and giving the child a pair of shoes so she is not cold. If the mother was so open about their circumstances in the past (meaning they have chat in the past and are close enough), they are from the same culture, and the OP said this was a birthday gift I see this as nothing but a wonderful thing to do.

I agree though the problem probably was the man in the middle, saying something insensitive...

OP I would probably just openly talk to the mom saying, I hope you didnt mind this as a birthday present, in fact I bought the same shoes for my daughter so they wear it together, aren’t they cute! If not too late you might get a gift receipt from Clarks and use that as the conversation starter...

Cute would be a pair of shoes that could be worn once or twice. School shoes are probably the shoe they wear most of the time so it should be up to the parent to decide which they have not someone who thinks it’s cute for her daughter to wear matching shoes to their friend.

And a separate birthday gift was given at the party.

So would you buy healthy meals and send a child home with them if you thought a parent was feeding their child unhealthy meals? After all it is putting the child first.
Would you buy a child an expensive coat if you thought they were not wearing a warm enough coat?

It is a humiliating thing to do and it changes the power dynamics in the relationship. You can no longer be friends.

I agree. If there's one thing on planet earth that absolutely no likes its being or feeling patronized.

It is clearly a lie that they are a birthday gift. At the very least you should not have given another birthday gift.
It was charity. You better off deciding you would give something unasked to a poorer family.

Don't be silly!

Not everything in life revolves around us and our ego.

@Dibilnik OPs ego matters though. Her charity made her feel good. How the parents felt did not matter. They were just supposed to be grateful recipients of unasked for charity.

To be fair socks cans get wet in shoes regardless of them being work out - happened to my son in his relatively new and in good shape Clark’s shoes recently; they aren’t waterproof.

for all we know the mum had plans to go that weekend and couldn’t make it during the week before they fell apart and is now made to feel like that isn’t good enough.

maybe she bought new ones last weekend but didn’t want her to daughter to wear them on a day of heavy rain in case they got ruined straight away.

maybe the daughter accidentally put on her old ones in the morning. Op may have spent good money on something that wasn’t needed , given Sophie will need a bigger size next time this might have been a complete waste of money.

I don't think it's about rushing to take offence so much as there having been a lack of communication or consideration for others.

When it comes to making decisions about someone else's child, surely it's basic common courtesy to check in with the parents in advance. It's not like the child was imminently going to die of hypothermia if they didn't immediately get high-street-brand shoes. There was time to check what the parents would want.

@Dibilnik you have zero understanding of being poor.
I am sure if the parents had not said thanks for the unasked for charity you would have thought they were wrong? Because you do think OPs ego and feelings matter. But the ego and feelings of recipients of charity do not matter.

These aren’t comparable though I don’t think.

The shoes were literally broken and non-functional as shoes. The examples you’re giving are when a child would still have some food or some sort of coat.

Sophie was already wearing clarks shoes though. I don’t think the brand is an issue here.

yes I also feel there is a lot of easily hurt egos on this thread. part of being a mum is even if it hurts your ego, you do and accept what was best for your child in that particular situation.

agree with the post on the cult of taking offence....so according to many no-one should offer to help anyone else cos they may take offence.and the help here is towards a child.

(as per the cuteness definition upthread, sorry that was ridiculous so I’m ignoring that)

@Dibilnikyou have zero understanding of being poor.
I am sure if the parents had not said thanks for the unasked for charity you would have thought they were wrong? Because you do think OPs ego and feelings matter. But the ego and feelings of recipients of charity do not matter.

yeah but the OP said it was an early birthday gift. So that’s a way out from the “charity” offence. OP didnt give a message of charity here?

@MariaVT65 If there was a hole so the childs feet were touching the pavement, then OP could have given her a pair of her childs wellies or phoned the parent and said the shoes seem to have broken while she was at school, I can get a cheap pair at the supermarket as an emergency if that is okay?. Not bought an expensive pair of shoes unasked for.

they didn't 'offer' to help ...

they took it upon themselves to decide what was best for the child and just did it.. as many, many people have pointed out that the shoe issue may have already been sorted out by her parents?

@Starbite then she gave another birthday present at the party. It was clear to anyone the shoes were not a birthday present, they were charity.

You haven’t read the thread have you. Op has clarified that sophie’s shoe size is bigger than her DD’s, so wasn’t able to offer spare shoes/wellies.

Maybe yes op should have phoned the mum, but who knows how she would have reacted at this if she has been knowingly sending sophie to school for a while with broken shoes and done nothing about it. OP has also mentioned clarks is nearer to her, and she was replacing shoes like for like.

It's too much. There are ways of buying people necessities without making them look like a charity case.

You should have said you bought them in the sale for you DD but they didn't fit and can't return them. I'd probably add in that you got them so cheaply that you wouldn't go to the effort if returning them anyway. would they be of any use to Sophie? Or something like that.

I would have been pretty upset at someone buying my kids charity footwear. Maybe the mum hadn't had time to go to Shoezone yet and was planning on the weekend?

Not impossible. My sister gave me a ton of stuff including a nearly new John Lewis school coat from her daughter to mine. My daughter is half the size of hers and it would take her years to grow into it. I donated it to the local high school rather than hang on to it for ages. I’d have done the same with shoes for sure.

@Starbite then she gave another birthday present at the party. It was clear to anyone the shoes were not a birthday present, they were charity.

but if OP said they were a birthday gift out loud and clear, then they were.... Why would the mom want to read between the lines only as there was an additional gift? only to want to take offence...

She probably feels embarrassed and annoyed that you think she can't clothe her own kids ( even though she may be struggling). And quite frankly she probably just feels even more rubbish knowing her girl had to have she's given to her as a bday present from a friend as she can't afford them herself. She's at a low point OPjust be there for her without expecting her to be thankful. She will when she's out of it and looking back but right now she probably feeling like a rubbish mum even though she isn't.

Because who buys a child school shoes as a birthday gift - literally no one.
if you wanted to give shoes and have it come across as a birthday present then buy some fun wellies or trainers at least

When I read your post I thought it was a lovely thing to do, but then when I imagined dd's friend's mum doing it I realised I'd have hated it. I'm not sure if that's because dd's friend's mum was quite bossy and judgemental though, so that might be colouring my thoughts on how I'd have received it. I think even if it had been a super tactful person I'd have found it a bit embarrassing though.