To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I think you did the wrong thing. It’s quite intrusive and personal.
i would be extremely unhappy if someone took my child to have shoes fitted and then handed me back the old tattered ones. Really offensive.
the husband accepted it because men don’t think deeply about these things. (Thats a sweeping statement but more men would accept this than women. Although if someone did this to my son’s son he would be extremely upset too.)

it’s insulting. It’s overstepping by miles. It’s judgemental. It’s insensitive.
if you value the friendship you need to discuss this with mum.

the kind and sensitive thing to do would be to not notice the broken shoes. You could have gifted her 50£ for her birthday if you wanted to do something nice and mum could have bought shoes if she chose to.

You meant well but overstepped.

If you'd gone into Tesco for some cheap crocs there wouldn't be a problem. Its the fact that you went to the bother of taking her to the shoe shop, selected expensive, fitted shoes that they now feel obligated to use but can't pay you back that's created this awkward situation.

You made mum feel like a charity case and embarrassed that you had felt the need to buy her daughter shoes (shoes that could well have been ‘better’ than her original pair). The relationship no longer feels like one of equals.

What you did for Sophie was kind, and it made you feel good, but you did not stop to think how it would make the parents feel. They feel diminished.

I think if you want to salvage the relationship you should apologise if you overstepped the mark, you got carried away and meant to disrespect.

I'd be mortified if someone did that for me and obviously they can't repay you otherwise they would have

I think I would have found another way of helping that was more discreet for example resoled the shoes at a cobblers and if they noticed say " oh my cousin works there and does it for free"

Or " I was given a voucher for a pair of Clarks shoes it runs out soon and I won't use it would you like it ?

That way you help but they don't feel like Terrible parents

Fawn away all you like, EasterEgger, those of us (in the majority) wouldn't do this because we can put ourselves in somebody else's shoes (pun not intended). If you can't then you can't, don't insult the vast majority of women who wouldn't blunder like this.

Just because you would have no problem with a highly visible lady bountiful act doesn't mean that others would want to pick up that mantel. A decent friend wouldn't and they wouldn't post a thread about it for another opportunity to bask in their most generous gift.

There were far more gracious ways of resolving this and so many posters have explained what they are. For most women, it's instinctive and they wouldn't need to be told either.

You meant well which is commendable but just taking the child and choosing the shoes is in my opinion over stepping.

I'm not sure why they buy Clark's, they're very expensive and if you can't replace them, then what's the point, why not save the money and buy cheaper shoes and replace when needed?

I think I would have pretended it was an extra pair of shoes your dd had.

I think the problem was the man in the middle, I think if the mum had picked her up and you'd have said, "I hope you don't mind I took Sophie shopping with us today as her shoes were ruined when she came out of school, if it's okay it was for an early birthday present for her"

But (IME) men are notorious at not passing on messages or asking questions, so I imagine Sophie would have come home with new shoes:

The mum (to the dad): what are these?
The Dad: Don't know, OP said she needed new shoes or something
The mum: Now feeling silently judged and thinking OP thinks she can't adequately provide for her daughter.

I know you say you wouldn't be embarrassed about this OP, but a lot of people would, and if they didn't know the intent behind it, they will jump to all sorts of conclusions and feel it would be too confrontational to even ask. A lot of things go through peoples minds when they are struggling to provide for their family.

I would ring her and explain personally and clear up any misunderstanding, she obviously feels awkward or she would have asked you about it herself, it doesn't mean she isn't grateful.

I don’t know why you’ve posted because you’re not taking in any feedback op

I've not read all posts but all the OPs. I've been in similar situations where I'm happy to help, not for 'charity', but not sure how it would be received. I've then tried to stress how happy it makes me to be able to share. In this case, perhaps the OP buying shoes for both girls at the same time - even exactly the same ones - might have made it easier to present as 'I really wanted to spoil the girls and they loved to pick the same shoes' instead of just giving them a box of new shoes.

I can understand the OPs intention and also how the parents might have felt when a child came home wearing new shoes they'd heard nothing about before. OP, perhaps speaking to the mum next time you see her and explaining this reasoning might diffuse the situation. Good luck!

Hi OP, you have done a wonderful thing and the mother should have thanked you. If you are both from the same country you also would have a common cultural understanding.

Some people are very weird about these things. Once, I bought my son two wooly hats by mistake (he lost one then we bought the same then we found the old one). Told him to give the xtra one to his best friend so they have the same, and I thought this was cute. The mother got very upset, told his son to hand it back to mine saying he already has hats (ergo trying ti imply they are not a charity case). I never thought this was a charity and it wasn’t my intention.

I would just ignore it, you did the right thing and I would do the same.

You have clearly made an assumption that they can’t afford it. Not that they haven’t had the chance to get to the shops or any other reason. You went to Clark’s!! You’ve made a statement doing this. You could have got a cheap pair from Asda. I’d be seriously pissed with you if I was her. Just because it’s your dream to be able to buy from Clark’s doesn’t mean she’s had that battle or wants that.

But it’s not wonderful. She’s upset the mother. It’s not about feeling wonderful yourself. It’s about empathy and sensitivity surely?

I can see that the other mum was probably highly embarrassed, but then perhaps she should have bought her dd new shoes, before the old ones were so worn out that her DD’s socks were wet.

We don't know that she didn't have other shoes to wear. She might have been refusing or insisting on wearing her old ones. My kids have done things like that.

That is a very different scenario though. You didn’t buy her son an expensive hat because it was winter and he was complaining that his head was cold, which is basically the woolly hat equivalent of what the OP did. It’s odd of your son’s friend’s mother to not accept the hat, but some people are odd.

The OP has said several times about the lovely feeling she got from buying Sophie’s shoes, which to me suggests she did it as much for her own benefit as she did for Sophie and her family. That might be ungracious of me though, and it was still a helpful thing for her family regardless of motives. It would be overstepping for most people, however.

Apologise if you have upset her , tell her you didn’t think it through and are sorry if you overstepped . Don’t expect the friendship to be the same . Mum probably feels less than you now.

You did a good thing with the best of intentions. Life is a minefield sometimes - this is just an example of that . If Mum is so upset I doubt there was a better way of doing it so try and move on

dont say this.

I agree that many of the responses are very weird and self conscious. I probably would have felt mildly embarrassed that I let my child's shoes get to such a state that a friend bought new ones.

But if I genuinely couldn't afford it I would be very grateful at the kindness of others and that it's one huge expense that I don't need to worry about anymore! I'd be happy my child has a good pair of shoes, swallow my pride and thank my friend! If I didn't like the shoes (and I'm personally really picky) I'd probably sell them and buy new ones.

Why some people would let their pride get in the way of their child's wellbeing is quite baffling to me.

To be fair the discussion between the dad and the mum here and the impression that it gives the mum is exactly what happened. Not sure that the mum collecting would have resulted in a different message

At most I would text the friend to say "Sorry, I should have checked with you re the shoes. I hope we're ok." And leave it at that.

I think a better thing to have done would have been to go to the nearest big supermarket with your daughter and Sophie and buy her a pair of shoes from there. Then when she got picked up say something along the lines of;

“We went to Tesco to get some bits for dinner and I noticed Sophie’s shoes were leaking, so I bought her a similar pair just so her feet stayed dry until she got home. I don’t want anything for them, you’ve given us enough clothes over the years!”

To me that sounds more like you doing a friend a practical favour, and less like you seeing them as a charity case.

Why some people would let their pride get in the way of their child's wellbeing is quite baffling to me.

There seems to be a cult of taking offence nowadays, far stronger than any tradition about gratitude for kindness.

Getting old clothes from each other as hand-me-downs from other parents isn't on the same level as buying someone else's child brand new clark's shoes. This is one of those instances where the gift actually burdens the other person because it feels like such a big gesture that you've done. It's worth when gifting to consider the reality of what it will make the person feel, not only your own intention.

I wouldn't say they've let their pride get in the way of a child's wellbeing, as they weren't even aware the soles had gone on the shoes.. OP took it upon herself to intervene before the parents even realised there was a problem.

They may have already bought new shoes, or like to do that themselves as a parent/child activity, it honestly doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks, OPs friend obviously thought OP overstepped and is now embarrassed that OP assumed they were too poor to buy knew shoes.