To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I don't think pride should be a higher consideration than a child's comfort and safety.

This is where we disagree.

I think buying a gift is less humilating than calling someone to offer them money.

If i was looking after my friend's kid and their shoes broke, damn right i'd go out and buy them some new ones. I'd be happy to.

The issue here is that sophie's parents have likely sent her to school knowing her shoes were broken and have not either sought help, sent her in other shoes and explained to the school etc.

Sought help? Where from? Do you know how many kids walk around every day in wet feet? Lots of them. I was one, it was normal to me.
Schools do not have money to buy shoes for all these kids. There is no help for most parents.

I never said school should pay for shoes. But if the parents need help clothing their kids then they can be referred to clothing/baby banks etc. There are quite a few round where I live anyway and i regularly donate.

Kid needed shoes. Someone got shoes for them. There should be no problem here.

Yes also I think that buying shoes for your kid is a really personal right of passage. Yes it happens about twice a year but it’s so cute seeing their little face as they skip out the shop in their new shoes. No kid knows whether they’re from Clarkes or Shoezone. They’re just happy to have new shoes. I’d be very sad if someone took my kid to do that - they’re only little for such a short time and that’s a parent’s joy.

Seems like op had good intentions, so I would have just said thank you but if my friend did that I’d probably feel like she thought I was being neglectful and wasn’t parenting up to her standards.

in fact I actually do have a friend who lets her kids feet smush into the ends of their shoes for ages until she sizes up. She literally doesn’t seem to notice whereas I’m like hmmm they’re looking a bit small. But she’s a good mum and loves her kids so I wouldn’t dream of saying anything. When the kids start hobbling she’ll notice.

perhaps what you could’ve done was call and say her shoes have gone and you needed to get your own kids new shoes and thought you could take her as a birthday gift…. Although it’s quite a big gift to be honest if the parents are struggling.

Yeaaaah I’d probably meet and just apologise and say you really hadn’t meant to offend and just thought it would be an easy birthday present and would save them a trip - do NOT mention that it’s because they’re financially struggling.

Yes there were alternative options.

Taking someone else’s child to Clarks and buying her a pair of shoes then proudly presenting them to her parents, expecting gratitude, was the worst option. And extremely hurtful!

Every mum knows when their dc needs new shoes. How do you know Sophie’s mum hadn’t got some money together with a view of taking her to buy shoes the following day?

How about supermum mentioning that when she collected Sophie from school she noticed her feet were wet as she has managed to get a hole in her shoe? With a throwaway comment, “Kids this age go thru their shoes quickly don’t they? I feel like I’m forever buying shoes for my little Prudence… tut!” At least she could have given Sophie’s mum the option to say she was either going to buy some in the weekend or she couldn’t afford new shoes.

If the latter it may have been appreciated had OP then offered to buy some shoes from Shoezone (shock! Horror! 😱) to tide her over.

At the very least the holey shoes would have been brought to Sophie’s mums attention.

Had someone bought any of my dc shoes without me knowing about it they would have had the shoes straight back and they would have been wearing the box!!

I think YABU to be annoyed about the lack of thank you from the mum, when the dad has thanked you. Sounds like you want them to be bowing and scraping. It was a bit of an overstep but it should blow over, just don't be weird about it or expect a gold star.

I think you have done a wonderful thing, if I truly didn’t have money to replace my children’s shoes, I would be extremely grateful and thankful and also offer to pay you the money back when I had the available funds.
It’s likely the mum feels embarrassed about the situation and doesn’t know how to respond.
I was a child who had very little as a child, it was embarrassing as a young girl to wear worn clothes and shoes and clothing which were too small for me. My Dad often glued my school shoes back together and I’d always come home with wet feet.

So I have been the child in this scenario. A little older, yes, but still. When I was 8 or 9 we were (relatively) poor. My parents worked full time and struggled with bills and housing costs. I didn't have appropriate shoes for PE, and after weeks and weeks of the PE teacher telling me to bring in shoes (which I didn't have), she bought me trainers. I still remember the shame and humiliation at having to take the shoes. I could never look the PE teacher in the eye again. My mum, seeing the shoes, went red and silent and from thereon, we always had several pairs of shoes - and I have no idea where the money came from, but she must have cut other budgets considerably - including what the school called "PE appropiate". So someone's nice gesture can make the other person feel incredibly small. It's one thing being poor and it's a whole different thing having people realise you are.

If you want to help and do good, do it anonymously and without an expectation of gratitude. Gratitude can be indebting

It seems everyone is focused on the parents reaction but have given little thought about how the little girl was feeling about having broken shoes and wet socks.

Intention was good, execution not good. Rather than presenting a new box and making it obvious it was a new purchase, I'd have said something like "Would Sophie like to keep those ones? We have had them lying at back of wardrobe and they weren't being worn" blah blah......something that preserves their dignity, but the child still gets the shoes.

If sophie’s mum knew she had broken shoes then she should have been sending her to school for the day in any other pair of shoes she has that aren’t broken and explain the situation to the teacher.

Op was just looking out for a little kid.

Why are people, defending the op, making out that Sophie's parents are in the depths of poverty and could never afford new shoes for Sophie? Sophie's previous shoes were also Clark's.

The obvious course, and what any mum friends I know would have done, is call the parents to let them know the shoes are broken. They (the parents) can then go and get new shoes for Sophie ASAP- maybe trainers at school until the weekend when they can buy new school shoes (eg cheap or second hand if necessary). Op could even have said "shall I get her some, I haven't got her a birthday present yet"

I'm trying to imagine doing this for any of my dd's friends and I really can't imagine it. I'd expect the friendship to be over if I felt I'd had to intervene to buy new shoes for the child. That would mean I'd decided the parents were neglectful.

If op genuinely thinks her friend is neglecting her child, a form of abuse, I can't understand why she even wants to remain friends.

Buying Sophie a cheap pair of emergency shoes would have been fine. Her feet would be dry, her parents could have offered to pay you back for them (or not), could have kept using them or replaced them with more expensive new shoes as they liked/were able, and nobody would have been embarrassed. Buying expensive shoes was very inappropriate, and it's obvious they weren't actually a birthday gift because you also gave another one.

When I was growing up wet feet was a sign the shoes needed to be repaired or replaced as soon as possible - usually the following weekend. It wasn't a big deal. Definitely not 'unsafe' for a child in any way, although if a sole was actually flapping it should have been stuck down.

When I was struggling as an adult I had someone decide to buy me something much more expensive than I could have bought and it was obvious they saw it as charity. I was reminded of that every time I saw the item and ended up not using it and giving it to a charity shop myself. Not a nice feeling.

Just talk to her rather than assume or second guess i agree with others she might just be embarrassed

Come on OP, you've overstepped and you know it.

You've written a long post gushing about how generous you were because you were forced to buy your child shoes from Shoezone (imagine the horror?!) until she was 2, so you were thrilled to be able to buy poor Sophie some proper posh shoes.

When Sophie's dad collected her you say "he was very thankful", that should have been the end of it.

But you stirred it up again because you had said the shoes were for Sophie's birthday then you took another gift to her party, which only emphasised the point that you thought her parents needed your charity.

You should have not bought the shoes. Her parents would have planned to get some new ones themselves. But given that you did step in, you should have done it with good grace and not expected more than a simple thanks - which you got from her father the same day.

Did you mean to be so horrible here?

You can’t understand why Sophie’s mother didn’t fall at your feet and enthuse what a wonderful human being you are? Really??!

Try keeping your nose out of other peoples business. Not everyone can afford to replace shoes immediately. Handing down clothing that no longer fits your dc and rushing out to buy a pair of expensive shoes for the “poor and needy” neighbours are two different things.

YUBVU by the way you handled this.

I can't believe what a hard time you're getting, OP. I think you did a lovely thing. You just perhaps need to deal with her mother's paranoia. She might think you're judging her for not replacing the shoes sooner. If it were me, I'd say something to her like, "Look, I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark buying those shoes. It's just that it gave me such pleasure to be in a position to do that sort of thing now, having known what it's like to struggle. I hope you forgive me for interfering."

Sounds like you are extremeky close friends with family.

Alsom if I read correctly, it sounds like both you and the other family are from another cultural background (ie not British).

Therefore I’d say it’s virtually impossible to get much useful perspective from a predominantly British audience …. (But yes from a British cultural perspective most people would say that’s overstepping, no matter how close friends are).

The OP says the new shoes were very similar to her broken ones. So presumable the parents can afford Clark's shoes.
I would be furious if you had bought my kid shoes in these circumstances before i had had chance to get them myself .

Although your heart was in the right place, you massively overstepped here OP.
I wouldn’t dream of taking one of my DC mates to buy them shoes without their parents consent and if someone brought my DC home from a play date I’d be horrified if they’d been taken shoe shopping. It’s a very odd decision that you thought it was your place to make.

I think you overstepped even though you had good intentions.

I think you overstepped, albeit with good intentions. You could have texted the mum to ask before purchasing. I wouldn’t have been pleased about this.

What I'm learning from this thread is there are a lot of self conscious women out there who would rather their child go home in broken shoes and wet socks than a nice friend buy them new as a gift.

@southwing i don't think you did anything wrong at all, I would have been grateful. Unfortunately not everyone takes kindness the same way especially if they are struggling with money.
Maybe in future take a step back with this particular friend if they are being strange about it.