To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

You really overstepped doing that.
The dad thanked you , why isn’t that enough?
I was taught to always give unconditionally.
Let it go now as anything you do or say will likely make the mum feel worse.

Come on Op fess up, you've just came on here and brag that you can afford Clarks Shoes haven't you. 😂

When my eldest was small I was a single parent, struggling a lot, with a lot of mental health problems. On more than one occasion, her friends' mothers would take her out and buy her things that they knew I either couldn't afford or couldn't manage to get out and buy. I was just so grateful that they were there to help me.
I've done similar now I'm in much better place and better off, for the youngest dcs friends.

Op - AIBU?

Replies - Yes you are

Op - NO I’M NOT!!!

If the shoes did actually break on that day, what’s the problem with taking sophie out to buy new shoes? The broken shoes were also Clarks. The dad said thanks and offered to reimburse.

If the shoes had been broken for a while, then there is also no problem with buying sophie new shoes. Rather than send your kid into school with broken shoes, send her in with another pair and an email or note explaining her shoes are broken and they will buy some more asap. No way should sophie been sent to school in shoes that were already broken. This would show that the parenting is a bit lacking here.

As I said before op, it sounds like sophie also at your house quite a lot and you do a lot for her. Her mum shouldn’t be annoyed with you. Maybe just let it go and see how things go. It’s great you’re looking out for Sophie.

Not all of us have said op is being unreasonable though.

I have been in the other mum’s position. If my mum bought shoes - great but a friend?

It’s patronising and humiliating- the woman has been made to feel like a charity case.

You have placed yourself on a higher level than this mother and I’m betting she’d prefer the equality that existed before.

It made you feel better but you forgot to consider how the recipient of your ‘charity’ would feel.

There’s still such a thing as pride.

I think you did a kind thing and I think the mother should have thanked you too. People saying that you embarrassed the parents, surely it's more embarrassing to send your child to school in broken shoes with the soles coming off which will be noticed by teachers.
Also if they had been really embarrassed by it the mother would have handed the shoes back to you saying it was too generous and they couldn't possibly accept such a gift.

You sound lovely. People are just horrible now trying to make a good thing you did somehow offensive. If I was them I would be touched at your kind act. Perhaps they can't afford to repay you and don't want to have that conversation first.
Maybe just start with I really hope you don't mind me getting your DD shoes the other day. The nearest shop to us was clarks and I picked a similar style in the hopes you wouldn't mind them. I have the receipt if you wish to exchange them but I thought they would make a useful gift.
And then you have opened the dialogue up for mum to say if there is a problem.
You did a really kind and generous thing.

I think you are lovely but u think I'd be rather embarrassed if somebody did this with my child

You absolutely crossed a line buying a child a fairly expensive pair of Clark's shoes. You should have bought a very cheap pair. How embarrassing for the poor mum. Were you expecting to be reimbursed? You meant well but what a faux pas.

Yeah, I would have felt pretty mortified if I'd been Sophie's mum too. Comes from a good place but you just highlighted the imbalance in your incomes, and probably wounded her pride as a mother providing for her daughter. Nothing more to be done now though, just try to forget about it and move on.

Well obviously OP takes no issue with others telling her what a kind and wonderful woman she is lol!

If she is adamant she WNBU why ask the question? Or even mention it

Sophie’s mum didn’t appreciate a busybody meddling in her life - obviously!

You fawning over OP matters not one jot.

OP loves getting off on the humiliation of others. Poor Sophie’s mum will now feel forever indebted to OP. No mum should be made to feel they ain’t good enough!

Quite frankly, i don’t really care whether sophie’s mum felt humiliated or not. Op felt she had to buy sophie some shoes for a reason. That reason was that her parents had sent her to school in broken shoes.

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!

😂😂😂 Nice one

Late to the thread but have read most replies and all of OP's.

OP, I do believe you were acting with good intentions. However, I don't think you have taken on board any of the viewpoints (despite asserting you have). @saraclara nailed it to be honest.

For me, the biggest learning point for you is around boundaries - there are often kind, helpful things we might want to do but they may not be a) what is needed b) wanted or c) appropriate for us / others. In this case, the act of kindness was needed (Sophie needed shoes very badly) but it wasn't wanted or appropriate.

Someone earlier in the the thread said it would be friendship-ending for them, and was accused of over-reacting. It would be for me too, I think.

It's a hard area to navigate - as lovely as it is to care about your friend and her DD and clearly they are in a difficult situation, it's not one you can ultimately fix. Despite the new shoes, you can't resolve their housing or financial issues. If you wanted to help, you could find ways to give her cash in the form of a gift, for example. Yes, it does mean Sophie may continue without any shoes, but what you did took away your friend's agency and dignity, and really tilted the balance of power in your relationship (that's why it would be friendship-ending for me).

I haven't been in your friend's situation - but as a separated (now divorced) mother, I spent over a decade trying to get my ex to support our 3 DC, and despite having a good job, I have really struggled financially at times. I live in an affluent area and the gap between me and others I know often seems significant and hard to watch, and equally all my siblings are very financially comfortable, and have absolutely no clue. I'm very fortunate to have got financial assistance from my parents, and am slowly, post-divorce, making plans to achieve financial stability. I would be extraordinarily sensitive about anyone looking to help me out or pay for something; my siblings are generally blissfully unaware but one did make a kind offer to pay for me & DC to come with them on a weekend break. I explained that I wouldn't be comfortable with this - this was so far out of what I could afford, that accepting this for something non-essential wouldn't feel right. However, if any of my siblings, directly offered e.g. to pay for something for one of my DC, I'd happily accept that. Many years ago, a friend gave me a Christmas present of a small amount of money - that I was happy to accept as it was small enough it could have been a gift (even though we usually did token or no presents) and it subtly gave me money when I really needed it.

It's all about ensuring the boundaries are respected and that's what you have made a mistake about.

I know you meant well but I think you overstepped.

Fine would have been to have lent her a pair of your child's shoes if the same size, or to try get her shoes, socks etc as dry as possible while she was in your home.

O

Quite frankly, i don’t really care whether sophie’s mum felt humiliated or not.

Well you should! People do not deserve to be embarrassed or humiliated. Regardless of circumstances.

I'd have done the same if I felt our friendships were close enough. Children come first, a lot seem to have forgotten that. Maybe I'd have been far more subtle but I wouldn't have left a child with holes in their shoes all day.
Thinking back I've done similar on a few occasions years ago, more with clothes of visiting children.
I'm no doubt projecting but I come from a poor family and knew shame around the way I was dressed. My DC were always immaculately turned out. If we had a child staying (for a few days) and were going out, there's no way I'd have taken one out badly dressed, shoes too small, holes in their clothes, etc.

Little kids don’t deserve to have soaked feet because their shoes are broken either. There were alternatives options.

But little kids don't deserve to live in poverty, risk homelessness or deal with a mouldy flat.

But OP cannot change any of that, sadly.

So of course, Sophie shouldn't have to wear shoes that are falling apart and have wet feet - and if OP wanted to help, and felt she had the right relationship with her friend, she could say straight out: I'd like to give you money to buy shoes for Sophie; I know you probably find this hard but you can pay me back if you wish or not, no need to mention again.

Sure, her friend might still feel embarrassed but she is still being treated with dignity and offered choice.

Op you are kind and did the right thing. Don't be frightened out of doing good deeds, the world honestly needs them.

I think it was a really lovely thing to do. I think the problem is that there is so much stigmatisation of poverty and people who are struggling that these days, people are likely to feel embarrassed, and worry that such a gift comes from a place of judgement and not natural solidarity. You just don’t get the expression that we are all, or could be, in the same boat. (I think this is the only thing I miss about the 70s).

How many visiting children did you have 'for a few days'?

Again in your example, you are operating within boundaries. Loaning clothes to a visitor is nothing like taking someone else's child to a shoe shop and buying them new shoes, with no discussion with the parent.

Children should come first, and I assume OP's friends are doing their best. But regardless, we cannot force (within reason - e.g. the State might step in) other people to provide for their children in the way we deem acceptable, or put them in a position where they need to accept our choices for their children.

If you humiliate the parents, the kids do not get help either.
I always used to pretend to have a MIL who bought too many clothes and shoes that did not fit, but I could not ask her to refund them as she would get offended. So I would say - these are only going to a charity shop as I can not use them, so please have them.
Playing Lady Bountiful makes you feel better, it does not help the family.