To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Yes you overstepped the mark here.

It isnt about YOU how much Joy it 'gave YOU'. Why do you expect thanks or anything for something that you decided to do. Its also a bit odd that your daughter had a playdate with her friend but, you had chose that time to go and buy your daughter new shoes.

I am cringing at the thought of you passing over the shoe box with old shoes and wet socks in.

Looking at her current shoes for a shoe size, often written on the shoe? Comparing her shoe size to DD’s by physically putting the shoes next to each other? Getting and handing the shoes over the next day / at the weekend rather than that day, so the other girl wasn’t going in and out of the shop?

As I mentioned above I work in this area and you find a way with a bit of creativity.

But dad had already said thank you. Surely both parents don't need to say it? Would you expect mum to say thanks for DDs birthday present and then expect dad to say it again a couple of days later? I'd find that weird.

I think it was a kind act, but would have anticipated that it would have made one or both parents uncomfortable… so I would have told a white lie and said the shoes were a pair that the grandparents bought and have been sitting in the cupboard as they didn’t fit my child or something similar. Ie, made out that I was relieved to be passing them on and glad that another child might get some use out of them.

This is how I would feel. You put them in a really awkward position.

I get what you’re saying, but i’m basically assuming (maybe wrongly) that it’s the 2 mums who are actually the very close friends, not OP and sophie’s dad. I’m basing my assumption on the dad working long hours, and my entire friendship group being mums, not dads. But I could be wrong.

On the basis of my assumption, if my friend bought my kid shoes, and my DH went to pick her up that day, i would definitely send a text or say thank you myself. Because they are my friend.

I was going to write basically exactly this!

I think I probably understand the COL a lot better than you, having lived below the poverty line for many years.

You seem really cool with child neglect.

Sometimes people just feel embarrassed about stuff like this but OP you did nothing wrong and your gesture was very kind and you had very good intentions. I think the 2nd gift was what maybe turned the milk sour. Maybe send her a text or something to clear the air?

Well you’ve humiliated the poor woman. You just don’t do things like that. Completely inappropriate. I’m amazed she didn’t throw the shoes back at you. You need to apologise to her

I’m amazed she didn’t throw the shoes back at you.

Settle down. This is getting ridiculous now.

No but the child's existing shoes would have had the brand name and size in them - she could have picked up a pair on the Sat and gave them to her on the Sunday at the party. It was the whole lets pop down to clark's for a fitting of new expensive school shoes your parents could not afford which was the issue.

I think you did a kind thing OP, but I’m not sure you should expect the Mum to mention it when Dad has already thanked you. You’ve made me remember how, as a small child, I longed for the beautiful shiny Clark’s shoes which some of the girls in my class had. My DM received clothing vouchers from local authority so i had to have the ugly shoes which they provided. I’d have been overjoyed if any adult had treated me to those shoes. I still remember 40 years later how happy I was just to receive some “cool” hand me down clothes.

This is what I'd have done. Rung her mum and asked what to do. She might've been planning to take her DD to get school shoes or not.

To just take a child off to get an essential item of clothing when you could've lent another pair is rude and assuming. And then you refused the offer of money for them, you could've said, 'oh go on then, you can pay me half for them if you like' as this would've eased their conscience a bit.

No ones been humiliated over a pair of shoes for gods sake!!

op you did a very nice thing. It's sad that you are being vilified for it.

its shoes not a pony

Should I have done anything differently? You did a nice thing - I imagine Sophie enjoyed going to get the shoes fitted (I can't understand those suggesting you should have lied about where they came from - how would this work when Sophie was with you in the shop?) The dad thanked you and offered to pay and you said no need - they are a birthday gift. I agree with other posters who say your mistake was in taking ANOTHER gift to the party. That's the moment when you start to look like Lady Bountiful.

Sorry OP, I think you crossed a line too.
Buying a cheap emergency pair of shoes because one pair had broken is one thing, but actually taking her to Clarks and buying new school shoes for her? That's a bit much and I wouldn't be too pleased if it were my child, even though it's meant as a kind gesture.

I think shoes are quite an emotive thing that are associated very strongly with poverty in our psyche - poverty is often indicated through lack of shoes, broken shoes etc. So I think while your heart is in the right place you embarrassed the parents.

Op has clarified that they didn’t have spare shoes to lend as sophie has a bigger shoe size.

It may also not have been safe to assume that sophie’s mum was planning to buy her new shows, as it sounds like it was past this point. Shoes should have been bought much earlier.

I don’t think op did anything wrong, as Sophie comes first. However, a compromise may have been to call the mum first to let her know about the shoes and see where the conversation led. Issue is we have no idea what she would have said.

Ah, I forgot, I did see about the sizes. It would still have been better for OP to do as you said, rung the mum to ask what to do about shoes.

OP really shouldn't take it upon herself to buy an expensive pair of shoes for Sophie. Yes Clarks was nearer but I'm sure a big supermarket wouldn't have been that much further away to get a replacement pair of cheap shoes which Sophie's parents would have felt more comfortable accepting.

I agree shoes should've been bought much earlier. However, maybe after playing that day they finally had looser soles than before, plus the rain made it worse. The parents probably feel upset (no matter what country they're from as OP says they're from outside Europe) and embarrassed that the shoes issue got so bad that someone else noticed apart from them and that this person assumed they couldn't afford to buy their daughter new shoes. The friendly relationship which was there before with them passing on older clothes from their DD to OP's DD is now soured/muddied.

So what acknowledgement did she want then? Why did she specifically talk about it? What did she want her friend to say in bringing up the shoes to acknowledge but not thank? The Dad said thanks, OP said it was a birthday gift, end of story. Gift, thanks, done. Even if I thought this was a 100% kind gesture, and I'm not saying it wasn't, I would still be mortified. Why shouldn't her friend be able to ignore what happened, what she didn't ask for, why expect friend to bring up the shoes?

She may well have removed the choice from the parents to get a cheap pair they were saving up for by buying the child an expensive pair her parents had no choice about accepting and couldn't really afford. If the sole aim was to get the girl shoes, then its done at that point and it doesn't need to be bought up. I don't think she should apologise, I think it should be buried and forgotten. I am surprised it never occurred to OP that her friend might not be grateful and happy about this. It was kindly meant, but that doesn't mean it was kind. OP was focusing on her own joy and didn't stop to think about the effect her actions might have on her friend. She should have asked, but not having asked she should have at least gotten something cheap, and not having done that she shouldn't have made it obvious they were expensive.

I think I would feel really humiliated if another parent did this. There were other options available to you that would have still resulted in your DD's friend not having to walk barefoot, largely based on the idea of communicating with the child's parents. For example:

"Do you want to bring a spare pair when you come to pick her up?"
"DD has some spare shoes she can borrow."
"We need to pop to [local shop that sells shoes, like a larger supermarket] anyway on the way home, would it be ok with you for us to pick up an emergency pair of shoes?"

Her parents may feel that you treated their daughter as a charity case, undermining their parenting and judging their financial circumstances.

Shoe shopping can be quite a personal activity, so it may have hurt her parents' feelings that you did that with their child.

Another thing to consider is that the child's family may have planned a shoe shopping trip or saved up to buy her a nice new pair, and now that may feel a bit scuppered by your actions (when times are hard and money is tight, it's hard to justify multiple pairs of shoes in the same size filling the same role, and the excitement of new shoes as a present from parents may be reduced if brand new fancy (better?) shoes were provided just a few days previously.

Without communicating with the parents in advance, you wouldn't know if they'd be fine with it or not, and you didn't think to check.

At this point, if I were in your situation, I'd probably speak to the child's mum and say something like: "I was thinking about the other day when I bought shoes for your child, and I think I overstepped. I'm sorry. In the moment, I thought I was doing the right thing so that she would have shoes for going home, but looking back, I should have spoken with you and not rushed off with my own idea. Are you ok?"

Yanbu, you did a lovely thing for a child who means a lot to your child, the girl will remember you did a kind thing for her. Her parents should have thanked you again, I don't care what anyone else says, both parents should have as they saw you separately. Also just touching on how absolutely unbelievably irresponsible they are! Living in a mouldy 1 bed flat is one thing but also being pregnant. Subjecting their children to a life of squalor, Ill health and inadequate footwear. I'm glad you are able to provide relief to that little girl.

If you give something you do it because you want to, the dad already thanked you that should be the end of it. The mum shouldn't have to then thankyou.

You have a kind heart and did a nice thing. I think her mum is probably a bit embarrassed. If the mum is off next play date them maybe apologise if you make her feel uncomfortable.