To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Am finding it pretty upsetting they’re living on a mouldy 1 bed flat and about to have a third child. If is really at a stage they can’t afford school shoes it’s a much bigger issue.

@MariaVT65 please enlighten us all on how to acknowledge a gift without saying 'Thank you'. Word for word please. So I can remember how to acknowledge something I didn't want, or ask for, without having to fawn over the gift giver. Thanks.

Who said they can't afford school shoes? The parents haven't.

YABU. Both for buying the shoes and for feeling upset by not being thanked by the mother. You dont make decision about other peoples children shoes like this, its odd. As you explained, you do have an issue about clarks shoes, its your issue, dont inflict it on other families.

Jesus Christ.

You’re deliberately trying to be difficult and missing the point now.

I’m not saying you express gratitude without saying thank you. I’m saying it’s normal as a polite person and a friend to say thank you for a gift, which is why op ‘expected it’. Just in terms of how a conversation goes. In the same way as if i sneezed i may anticipate that someone may say bless you. It’s totally different than the op standing there and being like ‘i want shit loads of credit and glory and flowers from you because i bought your kid shoes’.

If you buy a friend a gift, and they don’t say thank you, you may assume something is wrong. That is what has happened. Not that op expected sophie’s mum to bow down at her feet.

I won’t be responding to you any further.

This. I was a single parent for years. I wanted to be seen as,and treated as, an equal by my friends. I would have been mortified if a friend had done this .

It is her parents job to replace shoes. Not the op , who instead of messaging the parent about it first, just decided to go to Clark’s and buy new shoes for someone else’s child. It’s overstepping and the fact op has announced her ‘good deed’ on mn and is wondering why the mum didn’t say something to her ( even though dad had already said thankyou ) suggests to me this is all about the op. Just my opinion of course.

I get the sentiment but you'd have been better off buying a pair from tesco or shoe zone as an emergency.

I think you crossed the line; the other mum is probably feeling like a failure

Don't let this get awkward. You meant well but I can see how it seems a bid odd (even if kind) from her point of view.

Why don't you just text to say 'sorry if I overstepped with the shoes. I just loved seeing their little faces choosing together.
You've given me so many clothes that I really wanted to do something in return.
Looking forward to Saturday (or whenever you normally see her).

Whether you are totally right or totally wrong, it's not worth losing what sounds like a lovely friendship over. She's got a lot on her plate and this probably isn't about you or shoes really but they highlight a crap situation. You were trying to make it a bit better. She sees it emphasising her predicament. Neither of you are wrong, just in different places.

I think the mum is probably embarrassed. My children often had holes in their school shoes - they changed into them at school and didn’t tell me when they deteriorated. I was mortified when I saw them, as I know the children were used to everything being worn out, hence the reason they didn’t think to tell me.

I think, in your position, I probably would have tried to put her at ease by minimizing what you did when she handed the socks back maybe something along the lines of shoes suddenly deteriorating when it’s wet. It’s difficult to know what to say, but I wouldn’t judge her for her reaction. It probably makes her feel like an inadequate mum, but hopefully she’ll get past it and know it was meant kindly if you ignore the uneasiness and just keep being nice.

*edited to add, better things to say in the post above mine.

@MariaVT65 the OP was already thanked for the gift by the child's father. Is a fathers thanks not good enough? It has to come from the mother too? You've just harped on to several other posters about how the OP didn't expect a thank you at all. Now you've changed your tune because you can't actually answer the question on how to acknowledge something without one. Yes please don't respond to me any further thanks, I couldn't give a shiny shit tbh.

This happened to me as a child. I have to say, I absolutely felt my mother was being judged and was very embarrassed in front of the family friend who bought them and in front of my mother for having been the unwitting reason for her being made to feel awful. I ditched the shoes as soon as I possibly could.

I think you shouldn’t have given the old shoes back, you should have just said they broke and you had to get new ones.

When I was little our neighbour was an alcoholic and her kids were always a bit neglected looking, my mum used to invite them round to play and ‘accidentally’ get paint or mud on their clothes so she’d have to give them a bath and put them in some of our ‘old’ clothes (new or almost new clothes).

There was always the pretence that it was unavoidable so the neighbour could save face.

Regarding the box

Sophie left the shop wearing the new shoes and I used the box to put the old ones plus socks
Then we went home
When dad came to collect, I just gave him the box - simple

Imagine if I replaced the old clarks shoes by tescos shoes - ppl here would say I’m humiliating Sophie and her parents, implying she is not worthy of clarks and so on

I’m 100% sure Sophie was not confused or humiliated at the time I bought the shoes but maybe now yes, IF the parents are having issues with it and she picked up on it

But I can’t go back in the past or get the shoes back

This
the mum is feeling humiliated that you noticed her daughters shoes were in poor state and you deemed to buy new ones without any consultation whatsoever.
massive overreach, entitlement and I don’t use that e word readily

one way to learn this point is to watch the original Railway children film (r book) when Bobby and the other kids do a village collection for the station master. That man’s humiliation and shame was clearly shown in his anger towards the children. And the children learnt form it .

clearly OP never watched this film or had a similar learning point in her youth to understand that people don’t like being pointed out publically as being assumed they’re not managing financially.

there were much better ways you could have handled this OP. Gifting the money to the parents anonymously through the door with a typed note. Or even just speaking to parents first to ask if it would be appropriate to buy as birthday present- personally I think buying a child their shoes as birthday present is shitty. A child shouldn’t be gifted a basic necessity of life- like giving your wife an iron frankly!

you were in the wrong. You meddled in something you know nowt about in terms of circumstances. It was “Badly done”. You need to apologise to the mum, and say you realise it was condescending , even if your intentions were good. Say you’re sorry you did not discuss it first, or handle it in a different way. Hopefully the. I’m will come around to fact you meant well but are just lacking any empathy of being in their situation.

AND if you are going to make charitable donations, don’t expect thanks. Again, lessons in my youth were biblical around do it quietly, under the radar and without any expectations in return- even an acknowledgment or thanks. If you gift something charitable and make a show of it or expect thanks it’s merely virtue signally for you own benefit of feeling noble about yourself. That has no religious connotations for me now as an atheist but it still holds true.

sorry, but I learnt these “rules” of charitable giving as a child- how does a grown up get to this age and not realise the sensitivity around this.

Why are you asking then?

Every poster has nailed exactly the reason why the Mum is keeping silent about the shoes. Buying a cheap emergency pair would not have been as blunt as PP said.

For somebody who thinks back to how they felt about not being able to buy their child desirable shoes and the thrill of then being able to later on, you seem completely unable to think of the obvious here.

The Dad has already thanked you, keep quiet now.

You need to apologise to the mum, and say you realise it was condescending , even if your intentions were good. Say you’re sorry you did not discuss it first, or handle it in a different way.

Good grief, don’t do this. Much better to pretend it never happened and move on. Flagellating yourself in front of this mum will only add to the general mortification on both sides.

You did a nice thing for the family.

That's enough. Don’t make this all about you now.

You may be right on that 🤷🏼‍♀️.
but she’ll probaby loose a friendship over it

You were wrong, you embarrassed the mother. Doesnt matter that you wouldnt feel like that, poor people can still be proud and not want charity. You made it worse by taking a second present to the birthday party, your child could have given the gift another time. An envelope slipped through their door would have been kind, this was not.

Best thing to do now is to keep quiet and gratefully accept any clothes they offer you. If they say anything just say you are grateful for the clothes they pass on and this was your way of giving back.

Like what?

’Hi Sophie’s dad, just wanted you to have these brand new expensive shoes that are 2 sizes too big for my DD that I just happened to have lying in a closet. That coincidentally fit your DD, right at the time when her shoes have broken! Also, we randomly went to the shops today and your DD tried on some shoes for no apparent reason, but don’t worry about that - these are definitely hand me downs.’

You massively overstepped and put everyone in a very awkward position.

I also don’t believe your heart was truly in the right place. It was about making you feel good, not anything else.

If it was just about being useful you could have quickly called the mum and said “Lucy’s shoes have worn through, I’m in town, I could go to the cobblers or Clarks if helpful?”.

Sorry but I would feel v patronised as the other mum.