Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

364 replies

Lunluna09 · 20/03/2024 16:21

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 20/03/2024 22:17

Frumpitydoo · 20/03/2024 16:24

YABU to have entertained this freeloading cocklodging waster for this long. He pays up or gets out.

Yes to this

Takenoprisoner · 20/03/2024 22:17

I think he's right, you should 'cut down on things', starting with his presence in your and your dc life. That should bring the expenses right down.

Takenoprisoner · 20/03/2024 22:18

I think he's right, you should 'cut down on things', starting with his presence in your and your dc life. That should bring the expenses right down.

Get rid. I have nothing but disgust for these 'men' who would take take take from a woman and her dc and watch them struggle. How can you bear to look at him?

Erdinger · 20/03/2024 22:19

He needs to pay his portion of the food shop , buy his own toiletries. Stop giving him lifts unless you are also going to that destination. You are not a taxi or Uber. Prioritise yourself and your child.

AhNowTed · 20/03/2024 22:24

Taking advantage of a single mother is the lowest of the low.

OP the money you are subsidising him should be for your child.

How on earth have you ended up feeding him for free.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 20/03/2024 22:36

Cheeky freeloading bastard.
Time to tell him this arrangement of living together is not working out and he needs to live separate from you

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/03/2024 22:39

@Lunluna09 I have currently undiagnosed ADHD (1 child diagnosed, the other in the process) and I do kind of get how you've got yourself in that situation. I'm a people pleaser, always thinking I have to somehow "make up" for my quirks or living by the "anything for a quiet life" rule. However, I'm not a mug and neither are you. Come on. This man saw you coming. He's totally taken advantage, left you struggling, knowing you have a child, and tells you to "cut back". That's not ADHD, that's entitled narcissistic behaviour. The only thing you need to cut back on is him. Your life will be so much better without this sack of shit. Don't let him steal from your child because that's exactly what he's doing.

rosygirl14 · 20/03/2024 22:48

Oh god you have a man child. Cut him lose!!!

Viviennemary · 20/03/2024 22:52

You are obviously not seeing eye to eye on the sharing of household expenses which do seem quite high. The point is could you manage financially if you asked him to leave. You are earning almost £4k a month between you which should be adequate. He does sound a bit selfish and irresponsible though. I would think about ending this relationship.

Geppili · 20/03/2024 22:52

Cocklodger

LittleBearPad · 20/03/2024 22:57

I'm happy with his £600 contribution towards the bills but questioning if hes right that he shouldn't need to pay for food.

He doesn’t pay for food, he doesn’t eat.

See if that changes his perspective.

TwylaSands · 20/03/2024 22:59

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week.
he is taking money from your child.

viques · 21/03/2024 00:22

Don’t forget when you kick him out, that you will be able to claim the single persons council tax discount, so even more savings all round. Enjoy your freedom , you are worth more than this deadbeat cocklodger.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/03/2024 01:01

He wants you to cut down on things does he? Easily done. Stop buying anything for him.
Say until the food and grocery shop is split (a third I guess if you pay for the kid, but half ideally) then he has to buy and cook his own stuff. You need to put your foot down.
If he claims he's not having it I'd be saying I think you'll find it's me who's not having it sunshine. Then tell him to leave. What a greedy freeloader.

2DovesLove · 21/03/2024 04:05

If you lived alone, you would still need to pay for all the car, tax, insurance, petrol, repairs

However, if you lived alone, your food & snacks/toiletries would be cheaper.

To put this into perspective, my partner has done the below without me asking;

Changed flat tyres, brakes & has fitted new himself. We had 2 cars which we shared.

Regularly does weekly food shop

Regularly does cooking, DIY, cleaning

We have each paid for days out, holidays

Your "partner" sounds like a teenager. What sort of adult cannot buy their own food or toiletries ?

You would be better off living on your own
Date if you wish, but your date Iives elsewhere

Your "partner" is currently taking money away from yourself & your child !

2DovesLove · 21/03/2024 04:24

Adding

My partner & I are a great team, we support each other through the good & bad times over the years

You & your partner are not acting like a team !

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2024 05:31

He should pay for:

  • at least half of the household bills including food to offset the loss of your single person council tax discount.
  • all of his toiletries.
  • the lifts to work etc at the price claimable according to HMRC as this will include wear and tear on your car. Last time I checked that was 45p a mile.
  • his share of any trips or outings including hidden extras like car park charges.
  • the occasional thing for your child, eg a Christmas present, because it’s an expected thing to do being part of the household.
  • If giving him a lift to work increases your childcare costs, these as well.

Would your child be happier if he left? He’s not only monopolising your money but your time with your child.

I don’t see any advantage to him continuing to live with you. If you want one last shot at him seeing sense, I would create a couple of spreadsheets showing outgoings before (with today’s prices) and outgoings now including the extra mileage for him. Then tell him the best way for you to cut back is for him to move out. If he doesn’t want to, he needs to pay the extra x amount.

Please ensure he pays at least that or call it a day.

Northernsouloldies · 21/03/2024 06:19

600 quid all in .. can I come and live with you op.... seriously he's taking the piss.

Nanaof1 · 21/03/2024 10:22

Lunluna09 · 20/03/2024 22:02

I actually have ADHD myself and I agree he also shows signs, but it isn't an excuse. I don't twist his words and I can struggle with others POV but id not let someone struggle.

Show quote history

He's using you, and you are giving him free rein to do whatever he wants in his treatment of you.

Value yourself and your CHILD enough to stop letting this cocklodger take advantage of you.

KAT0779 · 21/03/2024 10:30

@Lunluna09 Sorry if I have misunderstood but are you saying he only pays £600 towards bills etc. and the rest of his take home pay is his own to just spend on himself? Approx £1300?x

Harry12345 · 21/03/2024 12:44

Wtf, chuck him out, you deserve better

Devon23 · 21/03/2024 12:46

Sounds like a freeloader. Relationships at living together are built on trust and in my opinion all should go in the pot bills out and agreements on extra or savings etc but it doesn't sound like you could trust him like that which speaks volumes. - kick him out.

Sjh15 · 21/03/2024 12:48

‘You need to cut down on things’
yeah, his deodorant, and driving him around
xx

PensionedCruiser · 21/03/2024 13:04

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 20/03/2024 16:25

So you do as he asked and cut down on things. Start by not ferrying him about for an and don’t include any food or essentials for him in the food shop. He’s being unfair and very tight and bloody cheeky.

This. And cut down enormously on the food you buy for just one month. If you can, shop every day or two and just buy what you need for meals and children. Don't cater to his larger appetite (if he has one) or snacks, other than for the children. Put your saving well out of his reach and then see how he likes it.

OrangeSlices998 · 21/03/2024 13:10

OP I’m confused why you think you should be paying for his food and toiletries? He earns the same as you, why wouldn’t he pay for his food?! If he’s so bad with money he contributes X amount for food when he gets paid so it’s accounted for. Or you kick him out. Seriously stop funding him!