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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

364 replies

Lunluna09 · 20/03/2024 16:21

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jadey1991 · 20/03/2024 20:33

What does he actually bring to the table then?£600 on the rent is a start but what about everything else like council tax, TV licence etc. He needs to pull his finger out of his arse and help out more

WildBear · 20/03/2024 20:38

"what's for dinner?"

Nothing for you. I tried to buy you something with the money you gave me for food but there was nothing for free I'm afraid.

What a fucking loser he is. Expecting you to pay for all the food shopping despite earning roughly the same. If I were you, I'd be saying I've paid all the food shopping for the last year (or two?!) now it's your turn... Or you know, GET OUT!

Notmyfandango · 20/03/2024 20:41

Its interesting you call him your "partner". He really isn't partnering with you at all is he? He might as well be your lodger with that attitude. It's your decision as to whether you put up with shit like that.

dutysuite · 20/03/2024 20:42

Wow only £600 a month, tell him rent somewhere else privately and see how it gets on with finding somewhere for £600 a month. You’re being taken for a ride.

Mumma1822 · 20/03/2024 20:46

Cut down? Pfft what a c**k. Best way to do that is get rid of him but if you really think this man child is worth it stop lending him money, don’t buy him any toiletries or extras. Tell him you can’t take him in the car put less petrol in if you can if he wants lifts he’ll have to give you the money and buy less when shopping just think of you and your DD. personally I think he’s a waste of space and you deserve better but that’s just me.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2024 20:49

When you ask him to pay for his own food and essentials and contribute something to the petrol for the car he rides about in, he replies -

'you'll need to cut down on things'

FFS. I can just hear the lecturing, patronising tone in which that phrase was uttered. How dare he. I note he didn't say "We need to cut down" ... Only you. He does* not see that he plays any part in trying to economise. Providing food and a roof over his head is all your problem.

That is not a partnership. It is not sharing. That is a situation where you will have to constantly campaign for fairness and equality. Why should you have to go through this stress, just to have a fair division of bills between two wage earning adults in the same household?

Of course he's "terrible with money". He has found a perfect safety net.

It's the reason why you didn't have spare cash to pay for your tyre repairs for the car he gets free lifts in and he doesn't see it should come at any cost to him. and all the little pay day loans you have to give him because he's broke and you have managed your money more sensibly.

And also its not fair to your child and your future self ( you sound careful with money and would be happier if you could build up savings for emergencies)

*edited to say does not

Rattai · 20/03/2024 20:51

Why does he think his food should be provided for free??

gamerchick · 20/03/2024 20:52

Tell him you want a grand a month from next month or you'll have to live separately.

Eskimalita · 20/03/2024 20:53

This reply has been deleted

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Gymnopedie · 20/03/2024 20:59

i think he has some signs of ADHD

He has a lot of signs of being a cocklodger. Arguing that he shouldn't have to pay more, telling OP that SHE should cut down are very different to a simple being a bit shit with money.

eise · 20/03/2024 21:07

Just dump this man, you are wasting so much time.

opentoadvice88 · 20/03/2024 21:09

You’re only being unreasonable to ask he ‘helps’ with the food shop. It’s not helping, he’s an adult.

I would find this all so unattractive. Work out the food + bills and that’s his half. If he wants you to drive him about then he should also contribute to that.

Personally… I couldn’t be with someone who acted like my child.

TeabySea · 20/03/2024 21:14

Unless whilst he's living there he doesn't eat or drink anything or use any facilities then he should be contributing to food and other standard purchases.
As PP have said, work out ALL the expenses on a monthly basis, deduct the basic car costs, halve the remainder (or if you feel generous, split the food/toiletries costs into thirds, and he pays one third).
If he was living on his own he'd have to be paying for those things. So he shouldn't be getting them for free whilst living with you.

ForgettingMeNot · 20/03/2024 21:14

Why does he think he shouldn't pay for his food? If he moved out your council tax would be less and so would the food bill. Granted not a huge reduction but his costs if he moved out would be vastly more

He's a cheeky beggar if you ask me!

Glenthebattleostrich · 20/03/2024 21:18

You know he's absolutely right, you do need to make some cutbacks.

Cut back on his food and toiletries (only biy for you and your child).
Cut back on lifts, you need to save the petrol and the wear and tear.
Cut back on loans to him.
In fact, just cut back on the relationship.

Ponderingwindow · 20/03/2024 21:18

His split of the actual overhead, rent, utilities, and tax is fair at 600/1250. He still needs to pay his food and incidentals separate from that. If he wants rides, he needs to contribute towards running the car, otherwise he can pay for other transportation. If you need to buy something for the house, like new towels, you should both be paying for those sorts of things that wear out and periodically have to be replaced.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 20/03/2024 21:28

Why have a cocklodger when you could easily get £600 a month from an actual lodger, who would also buy his own food and would not expect you to drive him around?

rwalker · 20/03/2024 21:30

I’m confused you say bills are £1700 is that including the cost of the car and what was the other £1800 you mentioned

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 20/03/2024 21:44

lazyarse123 · 20/03/2024 17:21

Why does the freeloading twat think he doesn't have to pay for the food he eats?
Get rid it won't get any better.

How old is this man? Has he ever lived on his own or in a house share? He seems to have no idea what things actually cost.

Beezknees · 20/03/2024 21:46

Bananalanacake · 20/03/2024 19:15

Why do you have to live with him, I always say enjoy a shag and kick em out the door.

Been a single parent for 15 years and this is exactly what I do. No man will ever live in my house!

sandyhappypeople · 20/03/2024 22:00

to the people saying he should only pay 1/3 of the rent.. ??? Children aren't expected to pay an equal share of the bills, they're children, so OP should not be paying an extra third for her child, that's bonkers. If he wants to live there then there are two adults running that household and they should pay equally.

He should be paying half of all household bills, the bit of extra utilities he's paying for which your child is 'using' is offset against the petrol/car costs that he's got the benefit of yet not paying towards.

food shopping.. depends on what your shopping looks like, but an adult man eats more than a child, and if there's school dinners etc, or if your partner drinks/smokes it's even more. I would for 2-3 months itemise everything you spend on shopping, work out:

what is specifically his: he pays for 100%
what is family stuff: he pays for 50%
what is specifically for your child: he pays 0%

work out an average of what that looks like and MAKE HIM PAY IT, I would never be with someone as selfish as this, but if I was I would turn in to the world biggest pedant and he would be paying for every little thing he has, even down to itemising takeaways/meals out etc.

Don't let him get away with it OP, he's using you and you're letting him!

Original poster
Lunluna09 · 20/03/2024 22:02

This reply has been deleted

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I actually have ADHD myself and I agree he also shows signs, but it isn't an excuse. I don't twist his words and I can struggle with others POV but id not let someone struggle.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 20/03/2024 22:13

OP come on, he's taking you for an absolute mug.

Imagine being able to live like he does, rent, bills, car, heated, showered, fed and watered for the grand total of £19 a day as a grown adult.

Let me guess - you're also doing his laundry.

ChampagneLassie · 20/03/2024 22:15

Well you know you’re not BU. But surely you can see in black and white it sounds like you should break up with him as he is absolutely rinsing you and clearly doesn’t care or respect you to behave like this. I never understand when people post things like this saying AIBU? When clearly you must know this situation is dire. But you’ve allowed it and you don’t seem to want to end the relationship 🤷‍♀️

Noseybookworm · 20/03/2024 22:17

He's taking the piss. He needs to pay his fair share of the food bill and something towards petrol + car maintenance. Work out what you think is fair and tell him to pay up. If he refuses, tell him he'll have to buy & cook his own food from now on and no more lifts in the car anywhere!