To ask my parents for financial help

[concernedchild]

I'm 24, I live at home (I know this will attract a lot of criticism but I cannot afford to move out).

I earn £1300 a month after tax etc.

After saving for professional exams (I have to pay for them, I get no help from work) I'm left with £650 per month. Of this I have to pay for uni, all my own expenses and travel to work, as well as other savings.

I'm left with about £75 at the end of each month. From this £75 I contribute what I can to the house but it's not a lot. I feel like a failure. If my friends ask to meet up I have to say no because I can't afford it.

Travel alone is £200 per month. I can't make it any cheaper. Uni is £100 per month. My expenses aren't extravagant - I'm paying for my uni course, my phone, Spotify etc., I'm not spending hundreds on my nails or getting sun beds or anything like that.

I want to approach my parents and ask for some help with the exams but I feel like a total failure for even having to ask. The plan when I moved in after uni was for me to save up and move out, but I had to move company and took a pay cut. I can't relocate my job (I'm on a training contract and I'm unlikely to get another one).

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm working for basically nothing, I can't afford to grab a coffee on my lunch break or even go out at the weekends. I'm trying my hardest to get by but it's having such an effect on me mentally that I feel like giving up and quitting my job all together to find something in a supermarket that's better paid.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them for help? I don't expect them to say yes, I'm expecting them to say no, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't see a point in anything because I feel like I'm wasting my time working and not getting anywhere financially, I feel like I'm behind my peers and I just can't do it anymore

😫

Absolutely not BU. Young people have been massively screwed over financially (well most of us have but especially the young). And I say this as someone turning 40. You are 24 you are obviously hard working and a conscientious person. Most people your age are helped by parents in the current climate. It breaks my heart a bit that you are ashamed enough to ask MN if you are being unreasonable. Ask away- you need support and let’s face it- you will most likely be supporting your parents when they are elderly in other ways. Best wishes to you xxxx

This. I had a training job with a career path. I was a student for two years with a 6 month residential half way through. I was penniless. I had to hitch lifts everywhere and I was on the bones of my ass. My clothes were all charity shop stuff and I ate in the subsidised canteen once a day. Outside of that it was toast sometimes with nothing on it.

I had to do a seasons lambing to pay for my books at one point.

My parents could have afforded to help me out but I had my eyes on the prize, knew it wasn't forever and I did well.

The thought of takeaways, holidays or even a bought coffee would have been laughable.

Having savings and then asking for a loan would have had my Dad saying no for sure. I have borrowed money from my parents over the years since but always with a plan and always only if the only other option was the bank and with interest.

My folks are gone now and I looked after then as they looked after me over the years.

It is hard. Don't get me wrong but this is what the light at the end of the tunnel is for.

@concernedchild really glad (through after your DF's initial message, not surprised) that this has worked out.

Your parents have probably been quietly worried about you as they will have seen your distress but not known the cause. If they are anything like my parents were they will have been filling in the gaps with all sorts of horrors.

For them this is the best outcome!

Replying as a mum of a teen and someone who also once had to go cap in hand to parents for money (feeling like a failure).

If your parents have the means, they won't want to see you struggle. If you show your outgoings are primarily linked to furthering your career and are only finite (for the duration of the TC) also you have a specific amount in mind you are asking for to help you through this period (don't go too low and end up having to go back again as that will make you feel worse).

You could propose it being a loan? Once you are qualified hopefully your pay will increase significantly? If it were my son though and I could help him, I would rather he keep his future money to save for a deposit though.

Many people in your position would have got themselves in debt to get the exams done though, cut yourself some slack, you are doing great.

It depends on their financial situation. If they can afford to help you then you’re not being unreasonable, but if they’re struggling then you are. You’re already paying for your exams, so you’re not asking them to pay towards your exams, you’re asking them to pay towards the social aspects that you can’t afford. You’re doing well for putting in to your education now and you’ll benefit long term.

I'm 24. I went back home because of the pandemic. I had a job during uni that wasn't enough for me to move out, especially not when I would've then been isolating totally alone. I then got screwed by the tories

@DrDavidStarKey congratulations. Unfortunately it shouldn't be that way and when you can't even afford a coffee, it's hard to see the "light at the end of the tunnel"

No, I've asked them for help with my exams. Which they've been more than willing to do

I'm not saying it should be that way but it IS that way. If you give up now you will always regret it. A coffee out IS a luxury in your circumstance. I've made myself £££ and I still see a coffee out as a luxury. It's about perspective. I was mixing with students that were loaded compared to me. I went to school with relatives of royalty but that was their path and I was on mine and in your case the end of the tunnel is near and you have money to spare at the end of the month.

With me, I didn't even know I would get to the end of the tunnel. For all I knew I would get there and it would be some pissed bloke trying to light his own farts.

@DrDavidStarKey thankfully my parents are helping me out which has eased a huge burden

I wouldn’t ask for so much (e.g., full exam fees). If you’re already living there and making a minimal financial contribution, then they are already helping you out.

You have money left at the end of each month, so you are surviving and not sinking. There’s no need to ask for money. It’s only 18 months of being skint. If there’s a specific thing you need and they can afford it, asking for a small amount might be reasonable.

You also said you had several unexpected costs, such as your laptop breaking. I think you can reasonably assume you’re not going to continuously get such high unexpected costs, so you should have a bit more to play with in future.

I do sympathise with it being horrible to be skint, but it’s just 18 months. What’s going to happen at the end if you don’t get a job straightaway? You might actually need help then, not just want it. Would they be able to help you twice?

That's good. So they should. One thing may parents did was let me live at home for free and in return I did a load of chores.

It's give and take. Dad was always the bank for me. I had a dog that needed a 2k operation at a referral centre and he paid and I paid him back. This was in 1992 so it was fortune. I borrowed other sums over the years but always paid it back doing extra shifts if they came my way.

When they got old and ill, was when I stepped up to nurse them and care for them and make arrangements. I'm glad your folks see that.

Good luck with your studies.

Glad your burden has been eased - please don’t feel like a failure for having a TC that didn’t fund your LPC. In the real world (where some of these posters clearly aren’t) lots of regular firms won’t pay for it. I paid for my own before I got a TC, as did most people I know.
Some of these responses trying to belittle you are appalling, TC’s are gold dust so the fact you even get one is incredible (and let’s face it, the vast majority of people, including those making comments insinuating smaller firms are crap, instruct those same firms they’re disparaging for conveyancing, divorces, wills etc 🤷🏼‍♀️).
Not every solicitor works in a magic circle firm, and that’s fine. Some of us are quite happy earning less but with a good work life balance!
Ps to the poster that said the “best” solicitors are at those big firms should see some of the mistakes I’ve had to rectify from them!

@concernedchild I’ve been following your posts and I’m so pleased that your parents have helped you out. My youngest is in 3rd year uni and we’d be horrified if he was struggling as much as you are. I’ve always said to mine, “it’s your job to get a job and to do that you need your degree, not to worry about the financial side, we’ll worry about that bit” your parents sound like good people

I have read your updates and am so pleased it has worked out. I just wanted to send a message of support given some of the PP’s messages which are rude and frankly ignorant as to the realities of salary and costs in law these days.

I’m a solicitor. Given your salary I’m guessing you are doing largely legal aid work. People don’t understand just how tough that is, emotionally as well as mentally. It’s corporate hours for minimum wage, working for people who often have complex legal and social problems which can impact on your own well being.

I have been where you are - working on a tiny salary, living with my parents to be able to cover my professional development loans and doing a job which was very rewarding but extremely tough.

My parents saw how hard I worked and one day, just offered to pay back all my professional development loans. Like you I had worried about asking and like your parents, they were completely fine about covering the costs. I offered to pay them back when my salary increased (although I remained in legal aid so it doesn’t increase by much!) They refused. They said it was part of having a child.

And now I have a child, I can tell you that I wouldn’t bat an eyelid to cover any costs related to her studies if I can afford it. The idea that I would let her struggle as you are (and initially I did) is completely baffling to me. I think it would be to most people. Ignore those on here that seem to think that once you’re 18 you should basically be out on your ear and funding yourself. That is not possible these days. But also, that is not how my parents were and not how I intend to be. You’re not asking for money for fun, you are asking for it to develop your career and legal aid work is so, so important. Nobody sees that until they need it…

So I just wanted to say - don’t feel bad. All of my friends and colleagues of my age had to do similar when we started out. We would all do the same for our children. Those of us still working in the area know it is such a difficult (and dare O say it, moral) choice given the low wages and hard work. Thank you for choosing this field. If you ever have to leave it for financial reasons then that’s ok too - even a few years in the sector will help hundreds of vulnerable people.

Don’t feel bad, feel grateful. Keep going and well done!

I’m glad your parents are helping. You sound very responsible and I’m sure your parents are so proud of you! Don’t worry so much in future- sounds like a great family 🥰

Thank you, I'm glad it worked out for you! It's such a stressful time but I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize!

Hi OP,

I have been lurking because I know what it is like to not want to ask for help - eldest child, 30+ and financially independent for an age, etc. - but last year I burned out and couldn't work. I also moved to an area where I could have a better quality of life and could earn more in future.

So far, I have been using unemployment & my savings for EVERYTHING which has been working, but now I am looking for a job I need a car. I was a wreck because my savings will no longer cover that upfront expense - but my parents actually suggested that they lend me what I needed to tide me over.

I think the moral of the story is that most parents always want to help their kids when they can, regardless of age/stage of life. They are especially open to helping their kids when the goal is education, learning or long-term stability.

Side note, with this in mind, maybe show them that you are putting the "repayments" into a safe/high-interest savings plan and they may want you to keep it for your first home/next professional step.

Take a deep breath and just remember that they WANT to help you, and they are very proud of you for working so hard.

Good luck with the exams!

@concernedchild
I'm so glad that this has worked out for you, and I think you've had a lot of unnecessarily harsh responses on your post.

Everyone's life circumstances and ability to help out is different, and I'm lucky to be able to help both of my grownup children at difficult times, and my parent's did the same to me. I have a 17yr old at college and a 12 yr old, so definitely more to come! But I see it as part and parcel of being a parent.

So, please do remember that your parents want to help you! And that's a wonderful thing, to know you have that support there.

Good luck with your studies, I hope you're feeling a lot happier.

Thank you, I just feel so much more relaxed knowing the train fare to work won't make or break me, knowing I can actually agree to meet up with my friends and enjoy it, instead of feeling guilty for spending money! Plus being able to buy new clothes after a year of not being able to is such a nice feeling

So OP - at 18.33 you posted on here yesterday saying

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. I'm on my way home now so fingers crossed

Then at 18.47 (14 minutes later)

So they've gifted it to me and my worries were totally ridiculous

But you also said I sat down and gave a whole SPEECH I had prepared in my notes app, talking through repayment and interest blah blah and my dad just went "we don't expect you to start paying it back until you've qualified, if ever, this is from us to you"

Really? All of that in 14 minutes and you still had to get home during that time and had time to post here too? I'm not accusing you of making the whole thing up as I believe you were indeed in the position you said you were and I'm glad things are sorted for you - but I suspect that actually you decided to make your first original post AFTER it was all sorted which personally I find a bit ingenuous. But that's just me I guess

I was walking up my hill at 18:33.

My parents cut me off halfway through and said they'd gift it to me. I have the screenshots if you'd like? That's everything I planned to say. I can talk fast and they wouldn't hear any of it. The conversation was over in MINUTES because they didn't want to hear anything from me and were happy to give it to Ken

@Silvers11 you can also see from the screenshot of the points I had that I had been editing it on my way home, at 6:25 :)

What a very helpful contribution to the thread

🙄