To ask my parents for financial help

[concernedchild]

I'm 24, I live at home (I know this will attract a lot of criticism but I cannot afford to move out).

I earn £1300 a month after tax etc.

After saving for professional exams (I have to pay for them, I get no help from work) I'm left with £650 per month. Of this I have to pay for uni, all my own expenses and travel to work, as well as other savings.

I'm left with about £75 at the end of each month. From this £75 I contribute what I can to the house but it's not a lot. I feel like a failure. If my friends ask to meet up I have to say no because I can't afford it.

Travel alone is £200 per month. I can't make it any cheaper. Uni is £100 per month. My expenses aren't extravagant - I'm paying for my uni course, my phone, Spotify etc., I'm not spending hundreds on my nails or getting sun beds or anything like that.

I want to approach my parents and ask for some help with the exams but I feel like a total failure for even having to ask. The plan when I moved in after uni was for me to save up and move out, but I had to move company and took a pay cut. I can't relocate my job (I'm on a training contract and I'm unlikely to get another one).

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm working for basically nothing, I can't afford to grab a coffee on my lunch break or even go out at the weekends. I'm trying my hardest to get by but it's having such an effect on me mentally that I feel like giving up and quitting my job all together to find something in a supermarket that's better paid.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them for help? I don't expect them to say yes, I'm expecting them to say no, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't see a point in anything because I feel like I'm wasting my time working and not getting anywhere financially, I feel like I'm behind my peers and I just can't do it anymore

Btw you should absolutely not do any unpaid babysitting! Cheeky fuckers.

YANBU to ask for help, however
you are now in an age that is expected for you to be financially independent. I understand how you feel.

Are your uni courses ending in the foreseeable future? Can you look for extra income or move jobs as soon as is reasonable practicable? Those are questions you need to answer to yourself.
BTW you are not a failure in any ways, you are doing a good job.

This is a whole other story that I can't get into 😂

My course is about 18 months more.

I will be getting a pay increase once I qualify

In the 2023/24 academic year, a household earning £200k is expected to contribute £4,710 towards a child’s living costs (living at home).
Maximum maintenance loan £8,400
Government help £3,690
Parental contribution £4,710

So would it be right that the anxiety about asking for a gift/loan is really about the expected effect on family dynamics and sibling relationships?

@semideponent partly. I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have to ask for help like this. But I also worry what would happen if this got out into the family

My DD is about to go through the same thing, although she's hoping to get into a firm that will pay SQE, we are fully resigned to helping her financially for a few years yet. No harm in asking for help

OP, I have read some of your posts (not all as there were quite a lot), you come across as a very very thoughtful, considerate and hardworking young woman, I’m sure your parents will be happy to help you, you should probably have gone to them sooner as your financial situation seems to be causing you an immense amount of stress and that could impact your study and work

You live at home

Your parents are wealthy

You're studying to be a solicitor

Yes, you can ask them for money.

Not rocket science.

@concernedchild

I'm in the US so obviously can't help with any financial tips.

However, one thing for you to think about (and it's what we told our sons when we paid for educational expenses, car expenses, & had them living at home rent free during Uni) is that by helping you financially now to get your qualifications your parents are actually also helping themselves for later on in their own lives. By helping you now they are setting you up for a good career and thus you'll probably need very little help from them when they, themselves, may have more financial needs (carers, special equipment, care home fees, etc). Or it just may leave them with extra money to spend on some little luxuries for themselves down the line. And of course, if life takes you that way, to spend on your children.

So don't feel guilty and don't turn down any help they offer. It's a favour to themselves as well as to you!

Good luck and best wishes!!!

If she can get a firm who do, make sure she does!!

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. I'm on my way home now so fingers crossed

OP I'd be so proud of you if you were my child and I'd offer you the money as a gift. You've clearly worked hard without a break and are very dedicated to your future career. Let your parents help you if they offer more than you are asking.

One of our children is your age, her and her older brother still live at home. It is really tough out there so I hope nobody here has given you a hard time about asking your parents for help! I tend to just read the OP posts. You sound like such a hard worker and so determined to achieve this massive thing on your own. Law is very expensive and very exhausting, not many can do it without some kind of help or support. If you were my child I would want you to come to me, I would absolutely hate to think of my child having so little left over for themselves if I was doing well and had money spare. You are only 24, that is so young to have so much pressure. These are some of the best years of your life, prioritise enjoying them as well as achieving something. Your parents won't want you to be miserable, I can assure you.

HOW can you feel like a failure? You're taking professional exams! It's completely normal for parents to still help their children in their early 20's.

OP you seem too overly timid to me. If you can't ask, persuade and GET money from your own parents who you don't seem to have a bad relationship with and also are worry about your family finding out - how are you going to cope with legal clients and adversaries who may be very unreasonable, even dangerous and not to mention - very difficult.

It sounds like it's about more than just you, but some kind of family anxiety at stake.

I wonder what it means to be you in your family, on your way to qualifying as a solicitor?

Would it help to actually chart it out so you can identify what you're afraid of in the different scenarios?

e.g. if my parents grant/refuse a loan, my relationship with Mum will change like this....with Dad like this....with sister....with brother. For each scenario I feel...

e.g. if my parents grant/refuse a gift, my relationship with Mum will change like this....with Dad like this....with sister....with brother. For each scenario I feel...

What I'm picking up is that speaking up for your own needs comes with the anxiety the family dynamic will change for the worse.

I would say counselling might help, but appreciate you don't have much spare money or time right now. But you can help yourself with self-enquiry and there's so much support on here for how to practically navigate the difficult scenarios.

You have been working for a law firm since the age of 13????

Where we live on the South Coast, my adult kids at this stage have very little hope of either renting or buying their own property just yet and I have told them I am happy for them to live at home with me as long as they need to. I also help them out with a bit of cash as and when I can if needed. They both work but it is so expensive to rent or buy down here. I don’t ask for any contribution from them but they help me out as I am disabled and due to epilepsy recently diagnosed, unable to be left on my own at present so they help with my personal care, shopping, picking up prescriptions, driving me to appointments and such like. It’s much harder for youngsters nowadays, especially down on the South Coast and London.

I am always more than happy to help my kids out financially if they need it and I am able to.

I really think you need to move beyond the shame of asking for help. I would help my own children in these circumstances in a heartbeat and my parents would help me. You’ve got to really think about how and why you’ve gone on to this point where you’re close to breaking without asking for help.

Id also echo the advice of other posters to raise this at work. You are being paid very little for your skill set even if you think you’d struggle to get a tc with fees paid. What on earth do other colleagues at the firm do as surely they can’t have a model where staff can’t afford to live despite not paying rent?

So they've gifted it to me and my worries were totally ridiculous

So many of our worries usually are.

Congratulations on having such lovely parents AND for the little less financial stress they've given you.

I’m so pleased, you have enough on your plate with the studying, good luck!

@concernedchild excellent 😃

That’s great news, I thought they would

Good luck with the rest of your training