What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

@Notwhatyouwanttohear the OP never said she spent £90 on candles, she spent £90 on rugs, candles and direct debits - direct debits likely to be essential bills which would cover the majority of the £90 (though I would really really like to know where they got a decent rug for less than £100).

I’m not saying that anyone should be spending excessive amounts of money on shit they don’t need and can’t afford, but last week I bought myself a £5 candle because through all the pain I’m in on a daily basis I just wanted something nice to make myself feel better. I both work full time and claim benefits, like hell am I giving up the occasional treat of candles that help to improve my mood and mental health because someone thinks that I don’t deserve to buy myself nice things. Vast majority of benefit claimants work, we can spend our wages how we want.

Rescuing someone continuously like this does them no favours. It’s how addicts prey on people. She needs to grow up and learn to be responsible with her money. Direct her to budgeting apps or something. Stop letting her take advantage of your kindness.

This is about a specific issue with one person.

Actually, people on benefits can spend them on whatever they want. It’s obviously not reasonable for them to scrounge from other people if they spend that money unwisely of course.

People on benefits aren’t necessarily bad with money. Let’s not turn this into a benefits-bashing thread.

Do you work?

How many hours do you have to work to give her £100?
During those hours you are working, she is at home NOT WORKING, relaxing, smoking fags and lighting candles.

Dont give her anymore. Just say ‘I’m saving’ or ‘I have a big bill this month’ and change the subject if she asks.

Cop on to yourself.

Mic drop 😀

No the op says she spends £90 on non essential stuff like candles and rugs.

Then she goes cap in hand to the op for money for her direct debits because she has spent all her taxpayer funded money on candles.

If she wants nice things she should get a job and use the money she earns to buy stuff that she doesn't need to live and use her benefit money on her living expenses.

I'm a lone parent, the best thing you can do is talk to her about getting into work, that she needs to work towards getting her life into better order for her kids sake, she needs to be setting an example.

You are really kind to help her, helping her doesn't mean rolling over though necessarily.

She's using you. I'm sure she is genuinely grateful for your help, but the reason she can keep overspending on things like candles and rugs is because you keep bailing her out.

It is very, very difficult to manage on a low income, and I've had times in my life when I've really, really struggled to buy the bare essentials even when working, so I do completely understand that even if you do manage your money well, surviving on benefits is bloody hard. But she needs to stop buying luxuries like candles and cigarettes. She needs to ask her GP surgery/local pharmacy about smoking cessation programmes and she needs to draw up a proper budget for what she will spend on what things (you could offer to help her do that, if you think it would make the conversation about not 'lending' her money easier).

At the moment, you are enabling her. If one of my friends was desperate through no fault of her own, of course I'd give them £20 or sort some food shopping for them. But I would absolutely not be buying them cigarettes, ever. And I would not consider them in need if they'd spent £90 on candles and rugs.

An old friend of mine (many many years ago when we were in our early 20s; she'd never do this now!) once asked to borrow money from her flatmate because she was desperate. Her flatmate politely pointed out that if she wanted £100 she could simply return the sequinned ankle boots she'd purchased in the sales the previous week. You would do well to suggest this to your friend next time she asks you for money after a candle-and-rug-buying spree.

No. No. No.

She's no friend. And I imagine she is doing this to others too.

Anyone who can spend on fags and candles, doesn't need help. Sounds like she needs CAB and some money counselling through something like Christians Against Poverty.

I work full time and don't spend a fraction of that on myself a month. Sadly I think she's learned that money is free. For most of us, it isn't.

I've known two people like this - not friends but one more distant family member and the other a friend of my DC. They always say they need it for food or electricity, or something essential, but tbh it got to the point that I didn't believe them. It's a way of guilting you into paying. The family member got £40 out of my octogenarian parents a couple of times. The person was in full time work and their partner was also working. It was just a piss take. The DC friend always discovered they needed food at 10pm or later - always.

You’re enabling her OP to carry on not earning, over spending and being crap with money. Tell her your sorry but your saving for something/costs have gone up and won’t be able to help for the foreseeable, you don’t need to explain any more than that.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Don't give her this $20 and direct her to resources that will help her. You're not her ATM because she chooses to buy rugs, smokes etc.

It's the cigs that are annoying me. Why hasn't she switched to a vape? You can buy a refillable, rechargeable pen for the price of two packs of cigs. You can vape very easily for around £5 per week.

I cannot judge anyone who is struggling. What I do judge is not doing anything to help yourself and expecting others to foot the bill.

Tbh the way you put this, no she doesn’t actually do anything for me. She doesn’t even do her own housework let alone mine haha!

Thanks all,
I’ve decided I just need to tell her she’s making me feel uncomfortable by asking for money so much and actually I think she needs to learn to manage her own money, I’ll help this once but won’t be handing money out again.

thanks all, thought I was being tight.

My sister is exactly like this. And because she's my sister, I help her out more than I should. I feel for you! But if it was just a friend, absolutely not. Sometimes I say "I don't have the money to help you out this time" and leave it at that.

I’d probably say something like, ‘I’ll lend you the £20 this time, Marjorie, but we need to sort out your finances. You can’t keep coming to me when you need money. I’m not a cash machine and I can’t keep giving money to you. It’s not doing you any favours and I’m worried you’ve started relying on me - and that’s not fair to either of us’.

YABVVVU to keep giving her money!

So you've been giving money, not lending?

You have 'MUG' tattooed in big block letters on your forehead!

You lost me at the fact she smokes. That must cost what, £100 pm minimum. Let alone household tat.

I hope you stick to your guns

Tell her to give up smoking

” I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money.”

well, then you’re screwed aren’t you?

You either say no and mean it or carrying on paying for her to buy rugs and candles. Either that or do a bunk to Paraguay and don’t tell her you’re going.

This is a problem of your own doing.

I'd give her the £20 if it is really something necessary but then I'd say no more/ last time. I'd also offer to help sit down with her to go through budgeting

OP, STOP! You don't have to fund another adult, just because she enjoys it. It's like having a cocklodger without the cock.
If 'No' is too short an answer to give, try
'No, I've decided not to give away money from now on.'
And repeat, to every argument or plea she makes.
And if she gets stroppy, see her for who she is. No friend of yours.

Why would you assume we would think you're tight if you don't give her the money OP?

That's what you've got to work on.

People like her have always existed and unfortunately they are good at finding and exploiting kind hearted people like yourself. I handed out a few twenty pound note's myself in my green and callous youth until I grew to recognise the type - basically anyone who asks for money after a short friendship.

Do you need to find different and better friends?