What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

Fucking hell. Just say no.

Has she paid you back for what she's borrowed so far?

So your taxes are paying her benefits and your wages subsidising her fags and social life?

Shes absolutely mugging you off and even if you are well paid doesn't mean you have free cash for her. That money could be for your kids.

I am a single parent and have always worked, and not ponced off people.

Next time she asks say: “I’ve given you quite a bit of money already, and I will give you what you’ve asked for this time as well. We both know I won’t see any of this money back, and that’s fine, but I won’t be giving you a penny more after this.” That way it won’t be seen as unkind, it goes above what you are required to do, and you’ve drawn a line under it.

You're buying her FOOD and she's buying herself FAGS.................

🙄

This is perfect.
It says no without saying no, which you clearly find hard. And it reminds her that she does owe you money.
I wouldn’t see a friend without food, but you are paying for candles and fags…. Which are both non-essentials.

My sister does this. Pleads poverty, blags money off everyone, then spends £340 on a hairdryer.

Don't lend her any money. Has she ever paid you back? (My sister has never paid anyone back).

I guarantee once you say no this friend will fade in to the background. You have zero responsibility to her or anyone but yourself and your children.

This person is not your friend. My financial circumstances are very healthy, I have never lent money to anyone and the only times I have been asked I have said no.

Do not lend her anything more, she sees you as part of her financial network now and it’ll just continue until she realises she can’t borrow from you anymore.

I am truly shit at money management, years and years ago I got myself into a rut in the same way - not a clue how to budget or juggle my finances so I got into the habit of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul (figure of speech, not real people). Best thing that happened was for my DM to turn around and say enough is enough, learn how to manage your money or go without. I learned how to manage my finances a bit better, all bills were getting paid, but going without food for myself (DC always fed and clothed) is the only way I learned how to do it. When you’re that shit at money management you need to learn the hard way.

And People wonder why some of the working population have an issue with people on benefits when they see stories like this.

Maybe if she had a job she wouldn't have the time to spend money on frivolous items.

Stop giving her money.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be for loan oft loses its and friend and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry Shakespeare Hamlet.
The moment you stop giving her money she will drop you like a stone, which is a good thing as you will be free of this leach and you will have more money to spend on you and yours

Why is everyone saying to give her £20? There is no need to lie. Say I do not want to give money away to anyone but my kids, that’s the truth, end of. Who cares if she drops you or doesn’t like you. Get some better friends. Ones that uplift you and are on the same level

I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money.

This is the whole problem. You can't spend your life unable to do this kind of thing or you're not only going to be miserable, you're going to be a complete pushover and an easy target.

You need to accept just how uncomfortable and unfamiliar it initially feels to be direct with this utterly unreasonable, irresponsible person and make the necessary tweaks to your personality and sensibility to deal with them.

@Notwhatyouwanttohear you realise that those on benefits make up 40% of the population with the vast majority of benefit claimants being in work right? Or is it more convenient for you to ignore that fact and think that everyone on benefits should never buy things they like?

Your a complete mug for the amount you've given her and she knows it and is taking advantage of it .why on earth would she stop asking you when your like a free atm who is handing it out every time she asks! Your not helping her- in fact quite the opposite with regards to her learning to budget.

I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money.

This is your problem OP - you need to get comfortable saying these things. It's perfectly reasonable.

@MorningSunshineSparkles

Or is it more convenient for you to ignore that fact and think that everyone on benefits should never buy things they like?

What on God's green Earth are you talking about... Benefits are intended as a temporary measure to ensure liveable basics, not for fucking scented candles and rugs.

What do you get out of this friendship? Are you a person who likes to rescue?
If you refuse you will probably lose her as a 'friend' but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. People react to what we show them and you are showing her that your role in this friendship is to parent/rescue and she's taking full advantage of that. A hard lesson unfortunately but one I think you need to learn....sorry op it's a toughie.

£20? Just give her your bank card and PIN.

My friend was exactly the same. Would ring me up pleading for money to pay for this and that because they didn't have enough. Then I would find out they had spent it on hair dye/take out/a new jacket for her husband. So the next time she rang up I simply said no, you need to learn to manage your money better.

If you live on benefits like the example in the op does then you shouldn't be spending £90 on candles.

Benefits should be there to help you live.

If you want to buy nice things for yourself don't expect the tax payer to fund you.

I wish I could have lots of nice jewellery but I can't afford it so don't buy it.

Just stop OP. You don't need this in your life. She's not your problem.

I had a friend like this and I said “would it be helpful if a sat with you and helped you plan a budget?” She was very happy for me to do that and we sat with a basic excel spreadsheet. We’re still friends. I would still buy an extra round but it did get to a point that while her income is low, her money management is awful. 4-5 takeaways for her family a week… I can’t afford that on a good salary so why was I subsidising get benefits (she did work but low paid).

You're a mug and she's a scruff.

Friends don't treat other friends as banks.
You are being taken for a fool.
Say No - 'friend' will soon disappear.