What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

OP think of it this way, money you are spending on her you could be giving to or saving for your kids. You could have put those £100s into a savings account for your kids. Instead it’s gone on fags and candles ?! It’s hard to say no when you’re in a habit of saying yes (I used to be a people pleaser) but please try and get used to it. I bet she’ll distance herself then as well.
You do not have to give a reason but if she asks, say you’re putting all spare cash into a savings account for your child/children. Houses and education are gonna be so much more expensive in future and you want them to have money behind them. If she asks for money then say no you won’t be taking money from your kids savings account.

Or just say feck off now

Sorry, but I’d just tell her to STOP! buying stuff she doesn’t need, and that I’m not bailing her out yet again.

A friend of a dd was still going mad buying all sorts of absolutely non essential stuff when she had £30k of cc debt. Her parents had always bailed her out - she’d never learned to manage her money until the bailouts stopped - and she had to become a voluntary bankrupt.

Myself and a friend had a mutual friend like this, she was a single parent living on benefits and we both used to bail her out. From my perspective, it was connected to the fact that I was a single parent and had been on benefits for a while and knew just how soul crushing and exhausting it can be. My other friend did it because they are very kind and generous. Then it just went on and on, always a sob story or an emergency. I used to try to build her confidence up about applying for jobs, using my own lived experience as a single mum but it became clear that really she was not interested in working for a living. I just gradually cut contact, I am all for helping someone out when they are going through a rough patch, people have done it for me but I don't think it helps someone to constantly be propping them up. I no longer see this woman but heard on the grapevine that they are still not working 10 years down the line and I am just glad not to have them in my life.

You think you are helping her but you're not. It would help her if you offered to show her how to budget. Have you offered to show her a spreadsheet and how to set up direct debits for priority bills? That would be far more helpful to her. My youngest sister was like your friend and her DH was even worse as he kept putting non essentials things on to a credit card. My parents used to bail them out every month by paying for her food shop, giving her money for their DGD's hobby and sometimes just £1k to help out. After my parents had both died she asked me for financial help. This was after spending the money she inherited from Mum in under 18 months and she didn't really spend it on anything. I told her I would help her but only if she set up direct debits as soon as she was paid for things like council tax, gas, electricity, water, TV licence and minimum payments on credit card. She already had a DD for her mortgage. I told her to fill her car up with fuel then too as she had money in the bank then. She also agreed to sit down with me and work out her priorities on non essential bills like DD dancing, Netflix and lunches at work until she knew what she could afford and what she couldn't afford. In return I helped her pay off the credit card on condition she cut it up until it was cleared. She was in danger of losing her house when she first told me she needed help. She had to realise packed lunches from home and a flask every day for both her and DH meant she could afford to keep her DD dancing. Her DH was resentful I wouldn't just keep bailing them out as my parents had. He eventually agreed to have a set amount of cash to spend each week and not to use the credit card. I felt awful being so firm with my sister but without intervention she would have lost her house as when she first told me she was almost £28k in debt and it was escalating as she missed Mum so much she kept buying herself treats to cheer herself up. Now she's much happier, she's finally not in debt except for her mortgage which got extended for 5 years to allow her smaller monthly payments. It took her almost 4 years to get out of debt fully. Now she uses the credit card but pays it off every month. You could offer your friend help with planning finances but tell her you won't give her any more money unless she tries to help herself. Tough 💕.

You really need to pull yourself together and learn to say no. 🤯 blows my mind what people say yes to on here.

I would say your financial situation has changed and you cannot help out any longer and don't disclose anything more

Think I voted wrong thing. Basically, you owe this woman nothing.

If she genuinely needs this one thing then buy it for her (not cash) but make it clear this is the last time, you can't afford to support her but you will help her draw up a budget.

You're a great sister ❤

I could have written this as I was in a similar position.

My “friend” had £90 Christmas week, and I thought that she would be covered for Christmas Day food.
On Christmas Eve when I delivered kids presents, I asked her if she had something nice in for dinner to which she replied no, she was skint as she spent the £90 on getting her tattoo finished.
On Christmas Eve night when all shops were now shut, my hubby and I went round the town to find a shop that was opened to buy some treats for the family to eat on Christmas Day.
That was the final straw for me, unfortunately she put her own needs in front of the kids and at New Year I told her that I would continue to support her but not financially and I encouraged her to make a resolution that she would change her ways.

Just say NO.

She's on benefits but can afford the luxury to smoke, have pets and buy new candles etc. That seems crazy to me. Definitely do not keep helping her out.

This person is Not your friend. They are what you call a taker. A taker is only happy when they are ‘freeloading’

I had a friend like this and eventually cut them off, completely. I am doing much better without them.

also, I’m a single mum on benefits at the
moment and find ways to manage. Kids come first!

it’s nice of you to try and help, but it doesn’t in the long run.

you sound very caring and lovely. Keep your pennies for you!

I voted YABU only for the fact that you should have said no a long time ago. You are not responsible for her or her lifestyle, candles, smoking!! And no just because she knows what job you have does not mean you have spare money.

You need to grow a spine OP and stand up for yourself, she doesn't feel bad asking you for money, if she did she would only do it very rarely if at all, and certainly not be spending money on non-essential items

I had a friend like this. The demands got more and more and the promised return of money never happened. In end I said NO MORE and the friendship died. But hey ho, I didn't really care by this point.

I'd make an excuse. Saving up for a car new house anything. Say you can't give her any more money. She is just an irresponsible selfish immature cf. No sympathy when she is wasting money.

She has been working you so that you feel as if you have to subsidize her that's why you felt as if you were being tight!
I would be sympathetic and say it looks like you're having problems managing and organizing your finances and then send her links to some helpful websites.

This!!!

Huge difference between being really skint and your friend doing you a shop of essentials, and paying for cigarettes!
Definitely say no to giving any money moving forward, and offer to help her with a budget (which allows her to pay you back gradually). You can also do things like pass along info on a food bank, or even drop off some food or toiletries when you know she's struggling, (maybe under the guise of 'we've hugely overbought on pasta, hubby did a shop on his way home and so did I' or 'I don't really like the smell of this new body wash, would you like it?'), or invite her round for dinner so you know she won't actually starve.

It sounds like you're being taken for a mug at the moment, you've already given her the neck end of £100, probably more, and this doesn't sound like a one off. The most helpful thing you could do is help her to actually learn and set a budget. Maybe plan some free things to do together so when she's out with you there's no pressure on either of you to spend money (eg park trip with the kids)

You need to stop this now. There’s lending a friend money in an absolute emergency and there’s having the complete piss taken out of you (sadly the second one applies in this situation). Why did you spend money on days out for her? Could she not meet you in the park or do something free? Have a get together at one of your houses?

If there’s a genuine reason she can’t work, she needs to learn to budget properly. I wouldn’t waste much money on candles with two salaries and a decent middle income.

Dont lend her any money again.

Good decision OP

You'll find out how much of a friend she is by how she reacts.

In your shoes, I'd do exactly the same. "here's the £20 you asked for. I'm giving it to you as you've backed yourself into a corner again, but this can't go on. You are an adult with kids and I am concerned that you are not managing your money. Candles and nice things for the house are not a priority and you can expect people to then cover your essentials. You need to learn to budget and prioritise. I'm sorry if this feels harsh, and really hope that it doesn't turn out that our friendship doesn't survive now I am stopping the hand outs".

@BurntOrangeAutumn thank you, I felt like a monster at the time. My sister's DH didn't speak to me for about 7 months until he saw the debt was reducing. I was terrified they'd lose their house. All good now though.

Exactly this.

Despite what everyone here seems to be implying, it can be the case that someone is a good friend worth keeping and still putting you in this situation.I had a friend who sounds very similar to your friend and went through an awful few years when her marriage broke up and did become overly reliant on me financially because she kept living past her means, mostly because in her head she felt they were entitled to the same standard of living as they had before her ex cheated and walked out.I eventually weaned things off and she stabilised her finances and improved them a tiny bit. One of the best things I did was warn her I wasn't paying for anything more, but I would pay for a financial advisor. That really worked, they were able to ask her the tough questions about her discretionary spending, what were her priorities etc. Part of it was definitely loneliness, that they "deserved" treats. So we changed it and her kids stayed in mine every Fri. Every second Fri, my dp went out with friends, while she and I had spag bol or curry and a few glasses of vino. Every other Fri my dp babysat while l organised a group of 7 of us to take turns in going to each others houses for pizza and wine (all Mammies of small kids so the ease suited us).Then on Saturday morning, we'd have breakfast and go to park with a few rolls and keep cup of coffee. Dp played golf then anyway so worked really well. So my offers to babysit then went to things like getting her to talks, over time I babysat while she did the odd course/volunteer work (like one evening a week max) and through those she wound up with a small amount of paid work. She can't do much as one of her children has a disability so must fit around his care hours, but she is guaranteed those 6 hours, she enjoys the few hours break, she is appreciated there and it's given her a tiny bit more of an income. So it is possible to move things along and still remain friends if you wish, but it does take planning and a willingness to change on both sides.

She'll take it and then she'll turn on you.
You'll be accused of humiliating her or making her feel like a scrounger or judging her or some such shit.

It'll piss you off even more that you paid her for the insults coming your way.

I hope I'm wrong but I doubt it.

I’d give her this £20 and tell her its the last time. You won’t see her again, I can guarantee it. Problem solved.