Exhausted, broke UK parents of small kids

[RiverLake]

NC for this. Well, please tell me you don't all spend each Saturday or Sunday (or both) watching your kids (aged 5 and above) play sports/activities etc?

And then when they are pre-teens and teens, you are facilitating sleep-overs by chauffeuring them to/from cinemas/parties/friends, including night time pick-ups, etc

Well, if the above is CORRECT, NO WONDER the UK parents are beyond exhausted!!! And in most cases also broke!

What happened to staying home at weekends baking, reading and playing games as a family with occasional walk to the parks?
I lived in London next to a family with 10 and 12 yo kids, and could never FATHOM why 1) they never liked being in their flat, as every Saturday and Sunday around 12 noon, they are loading their car and didn't return until 6 or 7 or 8pm. They walked past my windows.

Only to read on MN that parents seem to attend after school clubs at weekends too- I did all my after school activities, well, after school. Not take up my/family weekend unless it is one of those events schools playing against another school.

This particular family always looked stressed and my flatmate said they were constantly shouting and screaming at each other almost daily about domestic stuff (had cleaner and child minder too). I am not surprised as they had full time jobs and seem out all weekend. When do parents REST?

So, it is 18 years of existing for a child. Other countries do not parent like this. These countries have happy, relaxed families.

I sort of understood childcare stuff for under 3 or under 4 and not sleeping properly and those costs; but this being out all weekend is unsustainable. No wonder UK adults are sick and cannot function properly in work!

We have a 9am activity on a Saturday- and I much prefer it that way. The kids are up at 6 anyway so no chance of a lie in and by 8:30 they have had plenty of time mooching around in pyjamas and are ready to get going. By 10 the activity is over and we have the rest of the day to relax or do something different.

My oldest in particular needs a lot of exercise and always has. Keeping her at home for a lazy morning with a late start is like having a high energy dog and not walking it. Not fun for anyone. I could take her to the park at 9am and invent games and obstacle courses but I’d rather (and she’d rather) go to an activity where another adult tells her what to do, she gets to channel her energy into a sport and I get to have a nice chat with some friends. Then we go to a cafe and have hot chocolate - and the day is still only just begun. Then we go home and both kids have had their exercise and will be happy to chill out and read or do art for a few hours. Still plenty of time for anything else we want to fit in.

I don’t mind driving them to get there - the roads are empty and the children chat to me about what’s really going on at school, in the way that children open up on car journeys.

OP, you seem to have this idea that the options are either a wall to wall packed schedule or nothing except spontaneous baking. I don’t know any families who are busy all weekend every weekend with activities but most people I know have one or two things on.

And yes, to answer an earlier question, most kids don’t have the chance to do these things at school- if your child wants to learn tennis, swimming, gymnastics, karate, ballet, whatever, they will have to go to an out of school club. Most people do this because their kid shows an interest and asks if they can try, not because they are in a weird competition with other parents.

OP you come across as smug and judgemental, telling all us stupid Brits that we’re doing it wrong, unlike you with your perfect life and perfect (now adult) children.
I don’t know what your life consisted of when your kids were little, but if they were happy to sit around all weekend baking and doing craft, then of course you built your family life around that.

But I’m going to tell you something you may not be aware of……not all kids are the same!
My boys are sporty. They want to be outside doing sport. Baking and craft is their idea of hell. So yes, we have a fairly hectic schedule of football matches (watching and playing) because that’s what they enjoy. And I, in turn, get enthusiastic about their participation, and share their happiness. It’s nothing to do with performance parenting and “keeping up with the jones’s”.

And actually, with childhood obesity becoming a real problem these days, I’m quite happy my kids like to run around, rather than shovelling cake into their mouths just so Mum can have a weekend at home!
But my main point is, stop telling us all what we should be doing. Different routines work for different families. Stop being so smug and arrogant.

It is none of your business how others parent their children (unless they are abusing them of course).

I'm shocked to read your responses and apparently you do have kids... so what did you do all weekend? Were your kids happy sat at home all day on a dreary weekend? What exactly were your kids doing while you were resting every evening and weekend?

As well as weekends my Foster Son likes to do an activity most evenings. Either karate, Crav Maga, cricket training nets or just a run around the lake near us. He's very sporty and has a lot of energy. He doesn't like sitting still much. When he's at home he's doing basketball in the back garden or in his cricket net bowling balls. Weekends are similar he starts at 9am -10 am on Saturday morning then we go to Wetherspoons for a cooked breakfast then starting in April it will be on to his cricket match 12 noon start. He finishes by 7pm and home for dinner. Sunday afternoon cricket too from April to September. We do get a lie in Sunday morning though. Both DH and I love watching him. I score for his club. We have a good cricket community and lots of other parents we're friends with so share picnics. He used to swim competitively and do Aquathlons and we always took him and watched those events too. We don't watch karate or Crav Maga but drop him off for a couple of hours and do a shop or pop in for a meal out then collect.

@caringcarer It sounds like you’re giving him a super childhood.

You also make a very good point about the communities that build up around sports - I so often see posts on here from people who say they struggle to make new friendships, but DH and I have found a lot of new friends through the kids’ sports and though we don’t really have to stay and watch training, we often do just to chat to the other adults. Whether it’s sharing food or lifts or just cheering the kids on together, I love that everyone has the children’s best interests at heart and there’s so much mutual support.

given The cost of living the full time job often can’t give so the choice is the parents well being or the child’s opportunities. You can’t criticise parents for putting their child’s opportunities ahead of their own wellbeing. The issue is the required working hours. Life changed to give women equality and as a result we have to spread ourselves super thin. I am grateful that people fought for our workplace advancement but I do sometimes think life would be a lot easier without the pressure to earn equally and be successful in a career.

He had such a shit life in his early years we do all we can to try to make it up to him. He plays at county level in cricket as well as at club level and is now working to grade at black belt for karate. It's lovely seeing him so happy and gaining confidence. He was so timid and quiet when he first came to us and had no friends at all. Now he has lots of friends.

My girls do gymnastics, both a different times, one child is 4 hours a night the other 2 hours a night and then one also does trampoline.

Both are in squads so our hours look like this

DD2 - mon,tue,wed 4.30-8.30, sunday 10-3pm ( once a month sat 9.12)
DD1 - mon and wed 6.30-8.30, sun 12-3pm and trampoline thur and sat 4.30-6.30pm.
DD3 - too young but will do one or the other I assume as is already showing an interest in gymnasts and goes for an hour on Friday.

If you ask my kids they would choose their sport over anything in the world - but yes its a lot for me and my husband.

The benefits however outweigh the negatives, they are resilient, fit, barely have screen time but allowed whenever they want as downtime.

For context, neither my husband or I are sporty or competitive type people but now that im in the thick of it i see it as a massive benefit.

Cal I ask: what is this “resting” that you keep referring to? Do you mean sleeping? Because taking children to sports at the weekend and working during the week, even in long hours, doesn’t restrict sleep.

Or do you mean just sitting reading or watching tv? Because kids or not, I would never do this during the day. For me, reading and tv are evening activities (except when ill). Day is for activity.

Or do you mean things like baking, jigsaws, board games? Because baking is fun, but not restful. And I think most families did jigsaws and board games to death during lockdown! And like most, we take time to do this things on holiday, or during the school holidays when weekends are quieter.

Benefit tops ups dont mean you work less. Or give you free week days. Claiming benefits means you have less money and wont be able
to afford to do activities with your children, you have a very strange way of looking at things

Is this really what keeps you up at night?

I feel exhausted from both me and my partner working full-time and feeding/clothing 2 children, plus the odd night waking still.

Not from our little football class at the weekends or going to a museum or swimming. I’d rather do it at the weekend than after school where we have homework to do.

I took my DD to lifeguarding classes every saturday tea time, this was at a local leisure centre pool. While she was at class I was upstairs in the cafe with coffee, cake and newspaper, If we had stayed at home I wouldn't have got that one precious quiet hour

My kids’s weekend activities aren’t available after school. They do have some evening weekday activities (brownies etc) and do stay at school for after school activities and homework clubs however one of them does a 4 hour drama/singing activity on a Saturday. It’s over subscribed and they Offer the same activity both morning and afternoon and have waiting lists. So many parents are taking their kids there. They couldn’t fit that kind of activity in on an evening after school without being totally knackered. Plus the teachers who run those classes also work during the week in other jobs. To be fair though I just drop off and go back later to collect. Get the household chores done in the meantime.

My other child attends a sport and the classes for her age group are on a weekend. As she increases in age and ability the specific day and time will change.

Even before they started formal classes on a weekend I’d usually be out and about somewhere with them. Not out at the crack of dawn til sunset but long enough to get some fresh are and exercise.

Im permanently tired but that’s more the getting up Monday to Friday for school/work. I’m just not a morning person. Lol.

Annoyingly, I had one of each, I would prefer homebodies as that is my natural inclination but I had one adhd, super active child who does a competitive sport at a high standard and trains 4 evenings and I weekend day. It’s stressful but not as stressful as him without this physical outlet would be!

I’m an U9’s football coaches wife (7 years of DH being a coach) and both of our boys have been playing football since they were 3. Now in teams and it’s coming up to tournament season which is even more demanding. We sacrifice sleep and downtime of a weekend so they can do what they have a passion for. Our kids have met great friends, are coachable, can follow instructions, have decision making skills and get fresh air and exercise. They have adapted to losing, being gracious when they win and pushing themselves to learn more and become better. All these skills are allowing them to be well rounded young lads and they have made friends for life as have I and my husband with other parents. It’s tough at times and manic but when we have the odd weekend off we go up the Lakes which is 20 mins away and walk it off or have a day watching films and baking. It’s totally worth the investment. We have things on during the week and both work full time so life is full on and exhausting but we have kids and this is what we do and we do it for them.

Us adults have been down with a virus this week, today I succumbed and had to take a day off work. I managed a 3 hour sleep then spent the rest of the day sneezing, battling a headache and coughing my way through the housework which we’ve had to leave in order to rest up and hit the hay earlier. Even on sick days we don’t ever rest and I’ve made myself worse by having to do what I needed to.

It’s all back to front, so many older parents now, in their early and mid 40s having children. It’ll be total exhaustion and then retire…oh no wait! People can’t afford to….

We have 3 DC and have really encouraged sport from a young age as we were/are both sporty and active ourselves.. I love that my kids aren't on a screen all weekend - we have activities after school each day and both weekend mornings but have Sunday afternoons to relax together- it's busy but works well for our family and the kids are SO much better once they have had some fresh air and exercise.

Surely this is all part of parenting. I miss taking my kids to play sport I loved watching them. I always took them out, walked them to death and could never understand all my friends whose children never slept as mine slept like logs.

We’ve always had horses so always done them
before and after school (and now before and after work) and out all day Saturday and Sunday there too.

it was my parents idea of hell to “chill out” at home, play games or bake. Same as i feel now.

'Opt for a benefit top up'. You can't just choose to get benefits. You either get them because you are too ill/disabled to work or you aren't able to earn enough to provide for yourself or your family. Even then, you are hounded by the Jobcentre to find a better paying job or work more hours. Many people are on zero hours contracts and have no choice but to claim a top up from Universal Credit.

I'm with OP on this to an extent (my kids are grown now). There is a certain amount of peer pressure caused by social media and the keeping up with the Jones' attitude that now infers that you are not doing the best for your child if they aren't given everything they want, that you can give. Each parent has to decide whether to play this social game or to make a stand and do what is right for them. Some can't see that they are allowed to say No sometimes and that children and parents will survive. In some cases, it is for the child's benefit to know and understand No.

You are right, OP. My friend lived in the Uk & now , Denmark. She swears her life is more relaxed & fun than when she lived in the UK.
And, oh her kids do more activities in Denmark now than they did in the Uk. The systems are set up so differently.

My son has swimming on Saturday morning and kickboxing on Sunday. In the week for the 2 days he’s not at nursery he has toddler tennis, another swimming class and we sometimes go to a drama class, playgroup or storytelling at the library.

I wanted to sign him up for football, dance and gymnastics but we can’t make the times work.

We also have a merlin pass so go to loads of local attractions and have weekends away to visit some further out.

We also have play dates, go to soft play and to the park when we feel like it too.

I can’t stand staying in for a whole day and playing all day. I find it even more knackering. (I am still knackered though.)

I am broke but that’s because I’ve been frivolous and we went to Portugal last year and are going to a caravan holiday and 2 week holiday to Majorca this year. I could die tomorrow so why shouldn’t we have fun now. The mortgage will be paid off in 4 years so things will ease up then.

Life has changed…. Both parents often work full time, I’d guess most parents feel they work to pay for their kids to have opportunities their parents couldn’t afford… families are also smaller, (on average) I was one of five, so days out were walks, the beach or playing in rivers, days in were conkers, marbles elastics/skipping, running through the sprinkler etc…. The TV was only on a limited time and there were only 3 channels so we climbed trees and played outdoors… nowadays there’s endless channels and tech so let’s get the kids out to soft play etc instead…. And let’s get them into sports..
My DD is good at swimming, so yes I knacker myself and pay a small fortune for her to swim in a club … getting up at 4am twice a week for early swims and swimming 7-8 evenings plus a Saturday morning … I couldn’t do it if I had more kids, but I have 1 and will do it as long as I can/she wants to…
I also think how tired the nation is is also due to our poor diets and lifestyles… no one has time to eat healthy food, it’s also 10 times the price of the prepacked/processed stuff…. I can go in and buy a meal and desert that lasts me and my DD 2 meals for £10…… I can’t even fill the fruit bowl for that… 😭 but yes I do buy the healthy stuff so am always broke 😂