Exhausted, broke UK parents of small kids

[RiverLake]

NC for this. Well, please tell me you don't all spend each Saturday or Sunday (or both) watching your kids (aged 5 and above) play sports/activities etc?

And then when they are pre-teens and teens, you are facilitating sleep-overs by chauffeuring them to/from cinemas/parties/friends, including night time pick-ups, etc

Well, if the above is CORRECT, NO WONDER the UK parents are beyond exhausted!!! And in most cases also broke!

What happened to staying home at weekends baking, reading and playing games as a family with occasional walk to the parks?
I lived in London next to a family with 10 and 12 yo kids, and could never FATHOM why 1) they never liked being in their flat, as every Saturday and Sunday around 12 noon, they are loading their car and didn't return until 6 or 7 or 8pm. They walked past my windows.

Only to read on MN that parents seem to attend after school clubs at weekends too- I did all my after school activities, well, after school. Not take up my/family weekend unless it is one of those events schools playing against another school.

This particular family always looked stressed and my flatmate said they were constantly shouting and screaming at each other almost daily about domestic stuff (had cleaner and child minder too). I am not surprised as they had full time jobs and seem out all weekend. When do parents REST?

So, it is 18 years of existing for a child. Other countries do not parent like this. These countries have happy, relaxed families.

I sort of understood childcare stuff for under 3 or under 4 and not sleeping properly and those costs; but this being out all weekend is unsustainable. No wonder UK adults are sick and cannot function properly in work!

@RiverLake i think you live in a different world from me if this is your idea of normal England. I took my kids to theme parks and zoos at weekends because it was fun, nothing to do with competing to be an alpha parent!

OP where you come from do kids not play sport? And if they do, don’t their parents watch? What a strange place it must be, where kids just sit at home all weekend baking and reading, while parents relax. I like watching my kids play football, and I’ve made friends with the other parents. I feel sad for you that you’ve clearly missed out on so much.

I work so we don't have that much time after school for activities as they are in childcare.

So we have swimming lessons one weekend day and a sports club the other. But we enjoy the sports? Its fun. i will swim as well and I really enjoy that.

Theyll be finished with swimmimg lessons by age 10 or so but i expect we'll carry on going swimming anyway. What else is there to do? They get all afternoon playing at home or going to the park. When they're in secondary they'll walk themselves to the sports club.

Kids don’t know how to entertain themselves anymore because they’re never allowed to sit and experience boredom and solve it for themselves. They’re never made to ‘well, find something to do then’ as we were always told. Instead they are organised and provided activities all the time by other people/their parents.

I work 9-5 and don't find weekend activities exhausting or unaffordable.

So, they do 9-5; then be up and down doing activities with kids on Saturdays and Sundays and then they are broke as clearly, especially in London, very few people are in professions where working 9-5 can lead to a comfortable family life.

I dont recognise this, most professionals i know based in London seem to earn high salaries excluding teachers, nurses etc.

A swimming lesson or football match doesn't take all day
Kids have all afternoon to be bored, mooch about, bake, run around outside with friends.

I sort of get you. Me and DB grew up with DM whom it seemed took us out a lot, not to sports as we didn’t do those but we played tennis, swam and I did ballet and horse riding.

We did spend time at home, mostly if the weather was bad. But then we got bored.

@PostItInABook Most (older) kids know how to entertain themselves when there is nothing to do. It’s the same thing a lot of adults do. Look at their phones, social media and online gaming.

The OP is talking about her neighbours 10 and 12 year olds. Left to their own devices most of my DC classmates will sit in front of the screen all day.

I don’t think you are wrong at all.

it’s exhausting. We must fill every second of the day mentality.

i don’t follow it, I can’t, late 30’s mum. We do stay in and bake and paint and read and cook, and craft, we scoot outside, some gardening etc. kids have to learn to be bored.

Apartments are small. Even as an adult I feel claustrophobic without garden access or without going out to get some fresh air.

I grew up in a house with a garden and friends could come over and we would play out and entertain ourselves.

Now, I’m raising my DD in a flat and I would love for her to play out but our neighbours change so frequently I do not know who is who. As parents we have to organise fund for our children in a way that previous generations didn’t have to. In London there is a lot of grooming and bad influences (even at free youth clubs which should be safe) and so parents would rather spend on an activity to keep their children busy as opposed to falling into the wrong crowd.

It’s so tough. Personally I make sure my schedule works alongside my DDs as it can be busy.

We do stay in most weekends though - especially in the winter.

The thing is though, some parents don’t like to hang around baking and reading and shit. I’d go crazy if I had to spend a weekend at home.

OP had some nice attempts at poor shaming scattered through their narrative (parents are so tired they choose to be topped up by benefits, maybe those who work normal 9-5 jobs are not as tired as they were, and this is why they are all skint)

We aren’t wealthy but we are living a comfortable lifestyle. We work through the week but also do extracurricular activities almost every night, because it makes the kids happy and that makes us happy.

At the weekends, we enjoy doing things as a family. Normally we are out for 5+ hours each day, visiting family, going to the zoo/beach/parks, going shopping and so on.

I find that way more relaxing than sitting around at home. Not everyone is a homebody. Not everyone likes reading or baking. Tbh that kind of weekend sounds awful.

Im wrecked! It’s not the ferrying around. It’s the full time jobs. The unreliable childcare. Kids always sick so often at home anyway. The torturous Teams meetings while shoving on Disney plus in the background. The mental load. The cleaning. The cooking. The default parenting. The arguing with husband about who does more and where all our money goes. The lack of sleep. The ‘mummy I’ve had a nightmare’. The battles about screen time (the real reason I ferry them to sports). The RELENTLESSNESS of it all.

And I’m one of the bloody lucky ones. I have a job I like, healthy happy kids, and - to be fair to him (I’m not often in the mood to be fair to him) - a husband who pulls his weight. I genuinely don’t know how single parents to kids with additional needs or health issues do it. They deserve bloody prizes. But yes - let’s heap some judgement on all us exhausted parents. That ll really help the exhaustion.

Why does anyone need to watch? Drop and run! Go do the shopping and then come back.

Well often activities need to be on the weekend as the parents are working in the week.

The reality is if you don't take kids out for sports and other activities, they won't be bored, but they likely won't be baking either. They will be spending time gaming/staring at their phone/watching TV. This wasn't always the case years ago because you had to wait a week to watch your favourite TV show etc etc/you couldn't game with your friends/ you had to read because TV shows weren't as good/children did not have mobile phones with social media. Nowadays doing extra curricular is only real way to cut down on screen time.

I have relatives in France, the US and South America and they all say raising kids is exhausting. The only way not to be exhausted is to get help ( paid for, or family) , or be a stay at home parent ( only ceases to be exhausting once kids start school) . Sorry, but you seem invested in believing that UK parenthood is especially hellish. You don’t say where you live ( Asia?) or what sector you work in ( finance? IT? ) but I’m guessing you raised your kids in an environment where help ( childcare, cleaning ladies etc) was affordable. For most middle class parents here it simply isn’t and everything falls on the parents.

I baked a cake with my kids on the weekend, holy crap that is not relaxing!

It can be exhausting for the children, too. My eldest child requested to stop her dance on Saturdays and Girl Guiding after school as she wanted more downtime at home to play, read or videogame. She still does swimming and music.
My husband and I both work and have a preschool age child who is only in nursery a few hours so we juggle childcare between us. We are exhausted, mainly because our children aren't great sleepers and it's impossible to keep up with the chores around actually spending time with the children and working. We have one hobby each that we get a couple of hours a week to indulge in, mine in larger chunks and his in small snippets. Rest is something we can look forward to when we die I guess? Since it's not like we can afford a retirement 😂

I think you have a point OP but maybe the way you wrote it was a bit antagonistic.

We generally have quieter weekends and busier weeks. I kind of want my DD not to be too over-hyped/over-timteabled/workaholic/always needing to be achieving. I love hearing her giggle as she watches her favourite YouTubers or doing some art or some Lego or some baking or playing at the park. It’s also hard to agree weekend activities with the ex so we do actually get quality time together at weekends which is good given it is only 1 in every 2 weekends.

I agree, but in OP’s world the only way to relax is to stay in with your kids all weekend, and if they get bored you can bake with them! If I had a choice between a decimated kitchen and a drive to a farm park, those cows and sheep are going to win every time!!

Why is baking always presented as the epitome of wholesome when actually it's quite an unhealthy activity? I made lovely homemade gingerbread last week, and holy crap, the sugar that went into that bowl!

I agree. I have a sedentary desk job, so when I finish work I want to be out of the flat doing things and being active, not hanging around baking and eating sweets all weekend.

I do bake sometimes in the evening, by myself, when baking is actually relaxing and the mess can be quickly cleaned up as I go along.

I was just coming here to say, I didn't mean stay in all weekend. more, why are parents over-timetabled up etc etc. and there doesn't seem to be any rest.

look, if parents have choices and flexibility, that's ok- it is not what I observed. doing activities to keep up with joneses is not fine. you cannot deny there is a lot of that going on, now you have all educated me/ thinking about what I observed.

thank you. I am not antagonistic, but I am well aware parents think any q involving their kids, is taken as judging their parenting.

What is with all the talk of parents in the ‘UK’ are you not from the UK or do parents in other countries do something different? (Just curious about the relevance)

Yes we are out every weekend. Sports Saturday morning and then usually somewhere local like a park, soft play or meet up with friends. Sunday we go as a family to the safari park, zoo, farm, cinema and bowling or some kind of trampoline park or similar. I do the same on my days off work in the week with my 2 and 4 year olds (I work 3 days) That’s what we like to do. That’s what I spend my money on. I hate staying in. It’s far more tiring trying to keep the kids entertained and off the consoles and not sitting them in front of the TV if we stay in. Much prefer to be out and about.

and someone agreed, she is wrecked from having a full time job, not from ferrying around the kids at w/end. this was also my main point. doing both to an acceptable standard cannot lead to fantastic results with both, surely. something got to give. here parents' well-beings.