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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Somaliwildass · 19/03/2024 18:11

There are no extenuating circumstances. You're mixing up separate things.

The head SHOULD exclude for involvement in drugs and has to if that's the decision already taken for any future circumstances. Appealing won't help because it's not about you, or your son, it's about the policy in place and how the scenario you describe fits.

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:16

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

And yet the police decided not to charge him? 🤔

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 18:16

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:10

Sounds like you have over-reacted massively, a bit of pot in a 14 year olds room is cause for some strong words and sanctions at home, but never to involve the police etc, it was only ever going to end badly.

As a teacher of 22 years experience, and who has worked in PRUs, condemning the lad to that form of education is frankly a disaster for him.

For contrast, I seem to recall smoking a joint in 6th form and not liking it, but friends who went on to be variously teachers, dentist, barrister, smoked their way through uni!!, my old deputy head (now a head) wasn't averse to a "funny ciggy" at a summer BBQ (not at school of course), a female primary teacher friend had a veritable forrest of the stuff in her garden during lockdown!

I'm not pro drugs, smoking or vaping, all have health consequences and are not good for society - but its so rife it's not worth ruining a kids life over having a bit of grass, taking away his phone and playstation would suffice (and he would eventually try it!!)

It's a shame that a teacher of 22 years can't read an update and realise that a very vulnerable child was being manipulated/ groomed into drug dealing, and not offer support.

yourlobster · 19/03/2024 18:18

Massive difference between the first and second posts! Being excluded for having a bit of weed on him would have been ridiculous and that's what was implied initially.

He's been excluded as he's involved in dealing and has already been illegally selling vapes at school and possibly drugs too.

He'd be very risky to manage at school both around dealing but also possibly recruiting other kids.

I don't think you did the wrong thing asking for help at all but it is going to be really difficult to support him and get him back into school.

They have to find him a place somewhere as he has a right to an education but it doesn't have to be that school.

MissUltraViolet · 19/03/2024 18:19

Honestly, I would not appeal anything or even try to get him back into that school.

I think you have two options now - completely different school further away/home school/private tutors and try get him through his GCSE's whilst keeping a close eye on what he is doing and who he is socializing with, hopefully at the end of that he can go to college or something and start meeting different people and developing healthier friendships or....pack up and move, start again.

New area, fresh start. Gets him away from the school and people that have been causing him problems, gets him away from anyone trying to take advantage of him or dragging him down the wrong path. (If he has decided weed helps to calm his mind then that will probably make an appearance again in the future no matter where he is or who he is with but thats a problem for another day - I would however make it clear to him that there is a VERY big difference between using it and dealing it. You also need to make sure he knows that he can come to you, be honest with you, talk to you and you won't automatically start calling the police on him or bringing outside agencies in unless his behaviour gets to a point you have absolutely no choice.)

Meowandthen · 19/03/2024 18:20

HeadNorth · 19/03/2024 14:37

As you had such a disproportionate response, how can you complain when the School has the same? You had your opportunity to be light touch with a way back for your son - and decided to go nuclear. Your child is now experiencing the fall out of your nuclear reaction. If I was him, I would never forgive you.

Agreed.

Seems excessive in the circumstances.

OP, surely you knew the consequences before you threw your son under the bus?

DrySherry · 19/03/2024 18:20

He had clearly got in to dealing if as you say 10 grams was separated ready for dispatch.
You have done the right thing, I agree with coming down as hard as possible on that kind of thing. Better he learns now that drugs ruin lives. Whilst he is young enough to turn the corner. It must be super hard for you. But we'll done. If only other drug dealers parents took it as seriously as you have..

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 19/03/2024 18:21

For what its worth I think you have behaved correctly. And I second the lady with the addicted older son. Engage with as many services as you can. Your son can change again from this path. He is clearly looking for role models and life coaching he has just found it in the wrong place.
I think your local authority actually do have a responsibility to provide him with an PRU place. I would bang on their door. I would advise you don't bother with appeals against the PEX. Put your energy into other ways to help him.
Good luck.

thesangriapeople · 19/03/2024 18:22

I appreciate you were concerned but in my opinion, handing the care of your child over to the state was your first mistake.

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:24

DrySherry · 19/03/2024 18:20

He had clearly got in to dealing if as you say 10 grams was separated ready for dispatch.
You have done the right thing, I agree with coming down as hard as possible on that kind of thing. Better he learns now that drugs ruin lives. Whilst he is young enough to turn the corner. It must be super hard for you. But we'll done. If only other drug dealers parents took it as seriously as you have..

He had clearly got in to dealing if as you say 10 grams was separated ready for dispatch.

This is why I can't believe the police didn't charge him?

itmakesmyheart · 19/03/2024 18:26

I think you called this one wrong, but we all make mistakes, and I can see why the advice you got made you take the course of action you did.

I've taken bad advice myself and lived to regret it.

I think you need to take a period of reflection now.

I also wonder how much of your reaction was about trying to manage how others see you. The bit you said about demonstrating that you're a strong parent who won't tolerate this, your username etc. All strike me as someone who is protesting too much.

I wonder if there is an element of guilt at your children being exposed to DV in the past, and now you've tried to prove to agencies that you're a strong parent.

It's ok to get things wrong, we all do. What you do next is the important bit.

pickledwillies · 19/03/2024 18:26

Jesus Christ. Poor kid. Most teenagers try cannabis at some point.

LisaRobyn · 19/03/2024 18:32

Whereareallthemillionaires · 19/03/2024 17:04

10g really isn’t a lot of weed at all. Goodness me it’s a tiny amount.
Im guessing by divided up you mean enough for separate joints but with 10 g you are not going to get many out of that.
Are you sure that’s to sell on and not for personal use.

Whilst any drug addiction needs addressing I think you may have shot yourself and your son in the foot here.

Agreed, 10g is a small amount, certainly within the limits for personal use and likely why he wasn't charged. Are you sure you have that amount right OP? If so, I'm back to my original opinion that you massively over-reacted here.

Redpaisley · 19/03/2024 18:33

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

Doing the right thing for whom? You could have supported your son rather than involving all and everyone. Your son must be under so much stress. Please do not home educate him, he does not need to be further secluded and be under the radar of an over the top mother all the time.

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:34

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 18:16

It's a shame that a teacher of 22 years can't read an update and realise that a very vulnerable child was being manipulated/ groomed into drug dealing, and not offer support.

You would hope the parent could deal with it themselves, for whatever reason the police decided not to charge him - which was good (for him) but should have served as a warning shot.

It had nothing to do with school, he still had a future there if he desisted from further involvement - but parental headless chickening telling all and sundry has, I'm afraid to say, probably done serious damage to his future.

My lad got a blocking from Mr. Plod last year for going on the pinch in Tesco, then a tough talking to from me - had it continued I might have involved the school, but I resisted the temptation to tell the school and cause him more problems, he's sorted himself out and learned from the experience.

Kids have always got into trouble, but trashing their future is a vicious cycle which can lead them into further, serious criminality.

Lifeomars · 19/03/2024 18:40

When I found out that my teenage child was smoking a bit of weed I had a chat with them about the pros and cons which included the health and legal aspects. A calm and reasoned chat, I treated them as the intelligent person that they are. I used drugs a fair bit in my teens and twenties and while of course things are very different now, I am living proof that it did not in any way at all mess up my life or my education. People, especially young people experiment with drink and drugs, education is the key to safer use. I do appreciate that trauma and difficult life events can make substances more appealing as they offer a relief from emotional pain but i think you have totally overeacted and made things far worse for him.

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:43

MissUltraViolet · 19/03/2024 18:19

Honestly, I would not appeal anything or even try to get him back into that school.

I think you have two options now - completely different school further away/home school/private tutors and try get him through his GCSE's whilst keeping a close eye on what he is doing and who he is socializing with, hopefully at the end of that he can go to college or something and start meeting different people and developing healthier friendships or....pack up and move, start again.

New area, fresh start. Gets him away from the school and people that have been causing him problems, gets him away from anyone trying to take advantage of him or dragging him down the wrong path. (If he has decided weed helps to calm his mind then that will probably make an appearance again in the future no matter where he is or who he is with but thats a problem for another day - I would however make it clear to him that there is a VERY big difference between using it and dealing it. You also need to make sure he knows that he can come to you, be honest with you, talk to you and you won't automatically start calling the police on him or bringing outside agencies in unless his behaviour gets to a point you have absolutely no choice.)

New area, fresh start is the answer - PRU's are generally not good and don't have great results / offer very basic options, and he will end up mixing with the wrong crowd - best thing is to get him into a new school, state or private, with a clean slate.

Maybe there is another state school in the area he can attend? There 3 state secondaries here, mine often takes pupils excluded from one of the others, and often they thrive in the different environs.

coureur · 19/03/2024 18:44

Can you withdraw your statement to the school? They presumably have no evidence that he ever had drugs in his possession.

OneTC · 19/03/2024 18:47

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:24

He had clearly got in to dealing if as you say 10 grams was separated ready for dispatch.

This is why I can't believe the police didn't charge him?

Because realistically if you just bought it it'd likely be packaged the same.

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:47

LisaRobyn · 19/03/2024 18:32

Agreed, 10g is a small amount, certainly within the limits for personal use and likely why he wasn't charged. Are you sure you have that amount right OP? If so, I'm back to my original opinion that you massively over-reacted here.

Edited

I've just Googled and an 8th of weed (3.5g) sells for about £20.

So 10g bags will sell for considerably more.

Link here

Uk Weed Street Weights and Prices ! Leave yours here !

On this threAd i want uk growers and smokers to leave there local street prices for weed, Tens bag : (weight ). How much u can sell a ounce for Ect ect Just in general your weights and prices Thanx !

https://www.rollitup.org/t/uk-weed-street-weights-and-prices-leave-yours-here.181772/

Thefaceofboe · 19/03/2024 18:48

Wow what a total over reaction 😬

orangegato · 19/03/2024 18:49

Huge over reaction fucking a teenagers education up for a bag of weed.

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:50

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 19/03/2024 18:21

For what its worth I think you have behaved correctly. And I second the lady with the addicted older son. Engage with as many services as you can. Your son can change again from this path. He is clearly looking for role models and life coaching he has just found it in the wrong place.
I think your local authority actually do have a responsibility to provide him with an PRU place. I would bang on their door. I would advise you don't bother with appeals against the PEX. Put your energy into other ways to help him.
Good luck.

I would be looking at a place at another secondary, which the LA should provide - PRUs are a last resort, I've worked in one, it was horrid - I'm sure there are good ones out there, but they generally offer a small number of subjects and will have children with behavioural issues - The OPs son has transgressed once, and should get a second chance.

I would be asking the LA which school they are sending him too and avoiding PRUs, this lad deserves a chance and a future.

fuckthemail · 19/03/2024 18:52

Total overreaction. Your poor son

Avoid PRUs

Get him back in to school

Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:52

You were trying to do the best thing for your son op. How awful that’s turned out like this.

He doesn’t sound happy at all, in his current school, so I imagine you can move his school with his blessing.

At least you have got him away from the troublesome boys no doubt supplying him. I would look on line for schooling or local colleges now have hubs for students just like your son or other reasons why they are not in mainstream. Make sure he is revising six hours a day whilst you organise it.