Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
EarthlyNightshade · 19/03/2024 17:47

Smineusername · 19/03/2024 17:45

Yes extremely reckless and naive of you with profound consequences for your son. Maybe time you grew up

You think this despite the update?

LittleOwl153 · 19/03/2024 17:47

What are the Local Authority saying? At 15 days plus out of school they have a duty to educate him (and transport him to that education if need be).

Are we talking a young yr10 or an older yr9 here ... that would make a big difference to me. A yr9 I'd be looking g to get back in school. A yr10 I'd be looking g to move areas and get him into college next year if possible (yes they can take yr11s early gcses aren't an option).

KingNidge · 19/03/2024 17:49

PinkIcedCream · 19/03/2024 17:31

Wow, so my reply supporting the OP was deleted because I dared to suggest that all those posters saying ‘it’s only a bit of weed’ are druggies themselves.

Mmm, interesting! 😮‍💨

I'm not a druggie but still think that it wasn't a big deal. 10g is still a tiny amount, in old terms about 3 eighths. Nowhere near dealer territory. You wouldn't go all guns blazing for some tinnies or packets of fags. I can't see the difference.

telestrations · 19/03/2024 17:51

I'm really sorry this happening OP and I know you were only trying to do the right thing but I think either you've totally overacted and essentially criminalised your child (and attempted to do so even further) when you should have kept it in the family, working with already involved services and focusing on gently educating and guiding him. Or it's as serious as you fear and you need to move school and area immediately.

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 17:51

Whereareallthemillionaires · 19/03/2024 17:04

10g really isn’t a lot of weed at all. Goodness me it’s a tiny amount.
Im guessing by divided up you mean enough for separate joints but with 10 g you are not going to get many out of that.
Are you sure that’s to sell on and not for personal use.

Whilst any drug addiction needs addressing I think you may have shot yourself and your son in the foot here.

It's a short half ounce so eight ten-bags if the market is similar to what it was before i got clean. That sounds about right for a day's school dealing and helps explain why the school took such a hardline approach.

Either way, it's easy to say goodness me a tiny amount and sound all laissez faire and edgy and cool but if it was either of my children, plus the troubled history OP has described, let's just say I have a lot more sympathy for her reaction.

misseckleburg · 19/03/2024 17:52

The school would absolutely not have PXed him for having weed at home. He must have brought it on to the school site, or there must be more to this.
Good luck with your next steps.

Londonrach1 · 19/03/2024 17:55

Update changes everything op.... I totally understand what you have done. Sorry can't help but hopefully someone else can soon

MikeRafone · 19/03/2024 17:57

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2024 15:27

Actually I agree with the poster who suggests moving entirely, making a truly fresh start somewhere else in the country

This, move away. County lines stuff will not go away on its own if you stay put.

You've done everything you thought was right, but instead of getting support from the the organisations you turned to, they've let you get thrown under a bus

Sorry that some of the replies are so aweful.

Hankunamatata · 19/03/2024 17:57

Op I'd see if another school will give him a place. I'd cut my losses with his current school. In meantime inter high might be worth a look if you can get lea to pay for it.
https://kingsinterhigh.co.uk/gcse-online/

Study Online GCSE | GCSE Distance Learning Courses | King's InterHigh

King's InterHigh teaches GCSE Distance learning courses online. Study online GCSE courses from wherever you may be.

https://kingsinterhigh.co.uk/gcse-online

Dettyspagetti · 19/03/2024 17:57

I mean what did you think would happen??

Why on earth would you do all that for a bit of weed??

Saschka · 19/03/2024 17:58

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 17:51

It's a short half ounce so eight ten-bags if the market is similar to what it was before i got clean. That sounds about right for a day's school dealing and helps explain why the school took such a hardline approach.

Either way, it's easy to say goodness me a tiny amount and sound all laissez faire and edgy and cool but if it was either of my children, plus the troubled history OP has described, let's just say I have a lot more sympathy for her reaction.

This - if it was one 10g bag I would believe it was for personal use. Lots of little bags arriving divvied up like that has obviously been given to him by a higher-up dealer, to sell on.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 19/03/2024 17:58

To believe that Head teachers, police and other people with authority are there to do what is really best for individual members of the public is quite naive to be honest. At least one of these authorities was definitely going to come down on you like a ton of bricks. They work on their own sets of brownie points, not for your benefit.

Xtraincome · 19/03/2024 18:00

Hi OP. I have read your update. There is loads more at play here.

I also know parents who took a gentle approach to things like this and it didn't work. You were right to go in guns blazing after having suspicions of him selling/distributing. The people above him will realise he is more of a risk if you constantly intervene at every turn. The mother who gave you advice was right. 16 is absolutely too late to stop it!

Caerulea · 19/03/2024 18:02

Having now read both your posts I'm disgusted at the school for just dropping him like that. Zero tolerance policies only cause more harm to young vulnerable people, which clearly your son is.

I'm so sorry I cannot offer any advice, just solidarity & empathy. Given your update presents the very real possibility your son was being used to sell-on drugs, I just do not think you had any other choice & so your title is wildly wrong.

pimplebum · 19/03/2024 18:03

He needs a fresh start
And if you can a move to a fresh area

Get him away from all the bad memories

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 18:04

As a follow up to my previous post. Can you get him a new mobile SIM with a new number? Factory reset his old phone, so he is effectively starting again, with no stored contact details, and others who were taking advantage can't contact him so easily.

ThisGreyPoster · 19/03/2024 18:05

What I would do would depend on the personality of your DS.
Generally does what his mum tells him - home educate and only allow him to socialise at organised activities such as scouts, chess club, church youth groups, HE social activities.
Does not do what his mum tells him - move far away and keep a very close eye on him.

If you can HE and restrict who he socialised with would be best as he is obviously easily led. But this is only possible if he complies.

Shinyeyes · 19/03/2024 18:08

I have no advice to offer but did want to wish you all the luck in the world with this. A dreadful situation and I'm sure you're doing your best. I hope you can get substantial support somehow.

MikeRafone · 19/03/2024 18:08

Baileyqueen · 19/03/2024 15:30

Exactly what I was thinking. Why do people drip feed.

Exactly what I was thinking. Why do people drip feed

Because actually to come out with the fact your son has been groomed under your nose - its not an easy thing to say and when you look at some of the replies on here there is very little understanding, even some saying he deserves what he got as he is a drug dealer - not sure whether its ignorance or naiveness.

Whats really sad is this person trying to get help not judgement - I doubt that will happen

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:10

Sounds like you have over-reacted massively, a bit of pot in a 14 year olds room is cause for some strong words and sanctions at home, but never to involve the police etc, it was only ever going to end badly.

As a teacher of 22 years experience, and who has worked in PRUs, condemning the lad to that form of education is frankly a disaster for him.

For contrast, I seem to recall smoking a joint in 6th form and not liking it, but friends who went on to be variously teachers, dentist, barrister, smoked their way through uni!!, my old deputy head (now a head) wasn't averse to a "funny ciggy" at a summer BBQ (not at school of course), a female primary teacher friend had a veritable forrest of the stuff in her garden during lockdown!

I'm not pro drugs, smoking or vaping, all have health consequences and are not good for society - but its so rife it's not worth ruining a kids life over having a bit of grass, taking away his phone and playstation would suffice (and he would eventually try it!!)

RagzRebooted · 19/03/2024 18:10

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2024 15:27

Actually I agree with the poster who suggests moving entirely, making a truly fresh start somewhere else in the country

If at all possible, that's what I would recommend too.

buswankerz · 19/03/2024 18:10

For a bit of weed I wouldn't have taken it this far to be honest but you have so I would look at other schools or home education.

I'm not understanding how they excluded him when he didn't have it on him in school. How did the school find out?

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 19/03/2024 18:11

"Bad parenting" is a harsh and cruel thing to say. She was trying to do the right thing and at worst was far too trusting of the various authorities who tend to work for their own egos and brownie points.

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:11

buswankerz · 19/03/2024 18:10

For a bit of weed I wouldn't have taken it this far to be honest but you have so I would look at other schools or home education.

I'm not understanding how they excluded him when he didn't have it on him in school. How did the school find out?

She told them I think, oh dear!!!

EarthlyNightshade · 19/03/2024 18:11

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 18:11

She told them I think, oh dear!!!

Did you read the update posted quite a while ago?