Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
LisaRobyn · 19/03/2024 18:54

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:47

I've just Googled and an 8th of weed (3.5g) sells for about £20.

So 10g bags will sell for considerably more.

Link here

Show quote history

OP said 10g divided up, so 10g in total, £80 max going by that website calculation. Unless OP has the amount wrong, that's within personal use hence there were no charges, and a massive over-reaction by OP.

camelliarose · 19/03/2024 18:54

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

OPs update hours ago has obviously not been read by many on here going by a lot of the responses

Quitelikeit · 19/03/2024 18:56

How you managed to get a SW is beyond me!

good luck op, it’s hard, you were doing what you thought was the right thing. I’m not sure why he can’t try another school though or if he is still in the grips of a dealer.

This will pass. Try writing him a letter. It can work.

TheSnowyOwl · 19/03/2024 18:58

He had clearly got in to dealing if as you say 10 grams was separated ready for dispatch.

Or maybe that’s just how he bought it.

OP, to be blunt, your actions might be the difference between him having a future or not. Even if you need to move, you are going to have to get him back into suitable education and try to reverse this monumental fuck up!

Original poster
dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 18:58

HighLlamas · 19/03/2024 15:25

OP, that’s a giant drip feed. Surely you can see this completely changes peoples responses to your first post, where it looked as if you had wrecked your DS’s education because he’d experimented with a few puffs?

Yes I know. I'm sorry. I've been on MN for 16 years and I know drip feeding is a cardinal sin.
I've asked MNHQ to put a banner on the OP so people read both posts.

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 19/03/2024 19:03

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 18:04

As a follow up to my previous post. Can you get him a new mobile SIM with a new number? Factory reset his old phone, so he is effectively starting again, with no stored contact details, and others who were taking advantage can't contact him so easily.

I wouldn’t let him have a phone full stop

Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 19:07

I know it’s hard to imagine op right now this has blown up, but you may have saved his life. I deal with this kind of work, and county lines is the biggest issue we face in some areas. Some children get in very very deep.

EarthlyNightshade · 19/03/2024 19:08

pickledwillies · 19/03/2024 18:26

Jesus Christ. Poor kid. Most teenagers try cannabis at some point.

10g is quite a lot for personal use.

Itonlytakesaminute · 19/03/2024 19:16

What is his actual reason for permanent exclusion from school?

Nextdoor55 · 19/03/2024 19:16

If as you say the professionals involved don't agree with the schools decision why's are they not petitioning the school & trying to get a reversal? It shouldn't be all on you to be doing this.

Original poster
dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 19:20

So to answer a few questions/comments:
He was definitely running drugs – I told him what I found and he admitted it straight away. He was furious to begin with – that I’d snitched on him but within 2 days he was contrite and glad I’d put a stop to it.
Our relationship is great. It always has been but he was looking for positive male feedback and a sense of belonging beyond his mum and his brother. Pretty normal for teenagers in general let alone those with ND’s
We are very close and he’s endlessly loving and affectionate. I’ve been pretty ill due to the stress of all of this and he’s been very caring. He’s thanked me numerous times for putting a stop to it.

The Deputy Head at school initially said that “he should be in school, it’s the safest place for him”. It was only the following week when the HT decided to suspend him then PX. This was not down lawfully as the proper process wasn’t followed – no opportunity to make representations etc. I put together an 8 page case detailing why the decision was not lawful, reasonable, fair or proportionate.

The school washed their hands of him immediately – the call regarding the decision to PX came TEN MINUTES before the multi agency strategy meeting where the professionals escalated his risk level from Chid in Need S.17 to CPP S.40.

Our lovely social worker has gone through the process of a full Child Protection Enquiry which meant both my children were subject to a S.40 for a few weeks, she stepped it back down to a Child in Need for my eldest and signed off the youngest. She told me that I’m the best mum she’s ever worked with and the only reason DS is still at risk is because he’s out of education.

The Police Constable dealing with this has told me that they will move it to a possession offence due to his age and if he engages with the juvenile rehabilitation course then there will be no charge or criminal record. He will engage as he’s already engaged with the drug support services I referred to, the social worker and we are awaiting counselling to start as well.

Regarding moving away from here – that would make my youngest son so unhappy. He’s about to move into secondary in September and is a shy and anxious boy. To uproot him would be desperately unfair. How to choose between your children’s needs?! Impossible.

We have got online tutoring starting tomorrow and other services are slowly coming into line but everything moves so slowly. I’ve fought every day to get to this point.

OP posts:
CutthroatDruTheViolent · 19/03/2024 19:26

I'm sorry I really don't have any advice, I wish I did, but I wish I could give you a squeeze.

Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 19:28

How does your son feel about not going back? He sounds relieved from your update - I wonder if it’s even worse than you suspect.

Mustreadabook · 19/03/2024 19:29

Does he need a PRU? Cant he just get a new start at a different school? Surely 1 school within driving distance must have a space?

Chocochoo · 19/03/2024 19:34

You sound like a great Mum, OP. You don’t deserve the pile on. I don’t have any advice but just wanted you to know.

PropertyManager · 19/03/2024 19:34

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 19:20

So to answer a few questions/comments:
He was definitely running drugs – I told him what I found and he admitted it straight away. He was furious to begin with – that I’d snitched on him but within 2 days he was contrite and glad I’d put a stop to it.
Our relationship is great. It always has been but he was looking for positive male feedback and a sense of belonging beyond his mum and his brother. Pretty normal for teenagers in general let alone those with ND’s
We are very close and he’s endlessly loving and affectionate. I’ve been pretty ill due to the stress of all of this and he’s been very caring. He’s thanked me numerous times for putting a stop to it.

The Deputy Head at school initially said that “he should be in school, it’s the safest place for him”. It was only the following week when the HT decided to suspend him then PX. This was not down lawfully as the proper process wasn’t followed – no opportunity to make representations etc. I put together an 8 page case detailing why the decision was not lawful, reasonable, fair or proportionate.

The school washed their hands of him immediately – the call regarding the decision to PX came TEN MINUTES before the multi agency strategy meeting where the professionals escalated his risk level from Chid in Need S.17 to CPP S.40.

Our lovely social worker has gone through the process of a full Child Protection Enquiry which meant both my children were subject to a S.40 for a few weeks, she stepped it back down to a Child in Need for my eldest and signed off the youngest. She told me that I’m the best mum she’s ever worked with and the only reason DS is still at risk is because he’s out of education.

The Police Constable dealing with this has told me that they will move it to a possession offence due to his age and if he engages with the juvenile rehabilitation course then there will be no charge or criminal record. He will engage as he’s already engaged with the drug support services I referred to, the social worker and we are awaiting counselling to start as well.

Regarding moving away from here – that would make my youngest son so unhappy. He’s about to move into secondary in September and is a shy and anxious boy. To uproot him would be desperately unfair. How to choose between your children’s needs?! Impossible.

We have got online tutoring starting tomorrow and other services are slowly coming into line but everything moves so slowly. I’ve fought every day to get to this point.

OP, I think, ruminating on this, you should speak to a solicitor and perhaps het a letter sent to the school / LA

Lets look at the facts, your son got himself in trouble, but the Police, who are the arbiters of such things decided not to charge / take matters further - therefore, in the eyes of the law he has no record of criminality, it won't go on the police national computer or show on his record.

second this event happened, not at school, but at home.

I for one don't believe the school can lawfully exclude him for something that happened away from school premises and, when examined by the police, did not warrant action.

The LA has a legal obligation to provide an education for him.

You have been to the governors, but you might find a stronger line gets results.

BoobyDazzler · 19/03/2024 19:35

Jesus, what an absolute shit show. Your poor son!

if I were you I’d move and get a completely fresh start somewhere else. Pay for private tutors in the interim and do his GCSE’s privately if necessary.

Kissmystarfish · 19/03/2024 19:37

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

I think you did do the right thing

however, the right thing meant him having consequences of his actions

just because he’s been thrown out of school does not mean his life is over

it means he will now have to redo his GCSE’s either at home. It’s around £100 for each gcse. Or you wait till he can go to college and redo them there

however yoh might have just changed his life for the better. Maybe if he’d gone down this route he’d of ended up dealing. Yes he’s not in school. But he’s alive and well.

its rock and a hard place.

Kissmystarfish · 19/03/2024 19:39

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2024 15:20

Wow , you REALLY over reacted there and it has spectactularly backfired.
I appreciate that you were trying to do the right thing but how about looking out for your son as well?
He is 14 and this will affect him badly.
I am pretty anti drugs and have a low threshold for illegal activity but I would no way have reacted like you did over a small bit of pot

I disagree.

yes I do believe she might have over acted slightly. But she hasn’t really done anything wrong and it won’t affect him badly.

you can retake exams at any point.

Takoneko · 19/03/2024 19:39

Hi OP!

I’m a school safeguarding lead and am genuinely shocked by the responses that you have had

I think you did absolutely the right thing. Parents have contacted our school in similar circumstances. Not once have we responded by permanently excluding a child at significant risk of criminal exploitation. They should be able to tell us about these concerns.

The fact that police and social services agree that it’s a CCE case shows that you were not overreacting. You should have been able to rely on the school to treat this a a safeguarding rather than a disciplinary issue.

In 2023 the NSPCC published a document with key lessons for schools from serious case reviews and the very first point was about just this. In cases where children have been seriously harmed and killed a key contributory factor has been schools taking a disciplinary response to what should have been recognised as a safeguarding issue. That school needs to do better.

It’s really disheartening to hear that his school has responded as they have. Permanent exclusion will hugely heighten the risk to your son and I really hope that your appeal is successful. My advice is to request that the social workers and police provide evidence in support of your appeal.

Passthepickle · 19/03/2024 19:42

OP I don’t think you have done badly. He needed to see the consequences and the normalisation of such choices is rather stopped by these consequences.

The school has been shit and your appeal should be successful although I wonder whether it’s a great place for him to return to. It sounds like there has been bullying and that they aren’t the caring place he might need.
Good luck OP - you sounds close which is the most protective factor .

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 19:43

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

One of my closest friends started dealing weed when she was 14. She died from heroin at 20.

Ignore anyone who says you’re overeating. I don’t have any advice, just take all the help you can get.

Passthepickle · 19/03/2024 19:44

Also there are too many posters here unable to see the difference between a kid smoking a bit of weed and a child being manipulated into dealing. The normalisation of the first is what perpetuates the latter but most parents get to ignore that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread