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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Motnight · 19/03/2024 17:11

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 17:01

Isn’t it disgusting how so many mothers will all pile onto a mother in distress.

Seems to be happening more and more.

Scirocco · 19/03/2024 17:14

@dontpokethemommabear given that your son has been found with evidence of dealing and may have been groomed in a county lines scenario, I'd forget about the local school and give him a fresh start in a new school, as far away as you can manage from his previous influences. If social services think grooming has taken place, do they have any recommendations for resources to help your son break away from the patterns of thinking and behaviour which have led to this situation?

If your son is fairly academically able and willing to put in some hard work, he'll likely be able to adjust to a new school or even home school if that's an option. While it's a bad situation, it doesn't need to define him or have permanent consequences for his life if he makes changes now. Does he want to change?

VisionEuro · 19/03/2024 17:14

@dontpokethemommabear sorry for the hard time you’ve been getting. Getting involved in drug running is grooming and you really did the right thing getting all agencies involved and sorry the school couldn’t see that staying in education would actually protect him. Try and reach out to some homeschooling local groups and get him involved with others his own age straight away, if you’re in a built up area there will be lots of groups why you appeal.

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 17:15

@Minymile did you read this part in the OP?

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

It's not just a "bit of weed" is it?

Willwetalk · 19/03/2024 17:19

Do not compound this mistake by letting him go to a PRU. You will ruin his life.

horseyhorsey17 · 19/03/2024 17:20

Your reaction was ridiculous and over the top and you're paying the price. My son is at a boy's grammar school and is 14. Half the kids smoke weed - as they did at my school, and most of those people are now responsible, sensible law-abiding adults. Of course it's your duty to come down on your son for drug use, but not to the level that you've done. Clearly you wanted to scare him, but you've gone so far with it that you've potentially wrecked his future. It's mind-boggling that a parent would do this.

You'll have to find the funds to send him to private school.

ETA - just seen the update where it seems he's dealing/involved in county lines. That's different then. It's not surprising they kicked him out. But a new school might be the way forward anyway, maybe even a house move and a fresh start if that's possible.

pronounsbundlebundle · 19/03/2024 17:21

I wonder if he might be better off with a fresh start in a different school. If the LA can't get him into another school straight away, they need to provide an alternative. As others have said, there are LOTS of online options for GCSE from courses that just provide materials and the child has to self study (which are cheaper) up to full live online lessons (more expensive) and all options of levels of support in between.

Given he was doing well when he was studying, focusing on his studies rather than the social side of things and 'trying to fit in' for a while and keeping him away from environments he can be groomed / do drug dealing might be just what he needs.

Are there any subjects he loves that you could perhaps pay for yourself to get him started? He could almost certainly start a GCSE early and / or complete it early too with an online private provider. Not only would it be a focus for him, it would show the LA that he's serious about his education. Go for whatever subject he loves. The LA needs to step in then to ensure he has a well rounded full education at home or in a school.

pronounsbundlebundle · 19/03/2024 17:24

And unfortunately I do think the school did the right thing. They have a responsibility to do what's best for all children in the school. It sounds like the OP's son was dealing drugs. Going back to the same environment where that was happening doesn't benefit anyone - he needs a move at the very least.

Throwawayme · 19/03/2024 17:25

woahhhh · 19/03/2024 15:44

You don't agree? WHO are you? What facts do you have?

If the social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation who the heck are you to have any opposing view.

This is a major issue. Clueless people with absolutely zero inside knowledge thinking that they have a valid opinion. The world would be a whole lot better off if people stopped being like you.

Wind your neck in love. The ops original post read like shed just found a bit of weed in his room and had massively over reacted and involved the school and police. The update re dealing came later. Not sure why you're so fucking rude tbh.

Pinkmushrooms · 19/03/2024 17:29

StevieNicksWannabe · 19/03/2024 14:23

I think your reaction was extreme and over the top. You started the ball rolling with official, formal organisations/processes and seem surprised that it hasn't resulted in favourable, light-touch advice or support.

Educating your son on drug issues could have been done without involving police or his school. At least as a "first offender".

This.

PinkIcedCream · 19/03/2024 17:31

Wow, so my reply supporting the OP was deleted because I dared to suggest that all those posters saying ‘it’s only a bit of weed’ are druggies themselves.

Mmm, interesting! 😮‍💨

indianwoman · 19/03/2024 17:32

Have you applied to any other nearby state schools? Just because he has been excluded from one it doesn't mean he cannot go to another. In fact if they have a place they can't say no

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2024 17:33

PinkIcedCream · 19/03/2024 17:31

Wow, so my reply supporting the OP was deleted because I dared to suggest that all those posters saying ‘it’s only a bit of weed’ are druggies themselves.

Mmm, interesting! 😮‍💨

Good, I have never touched weed in my entire life and I dont think what OPs son did was a huge deal

SqB · 19/03/2024 17:34

I really feel for you in terms of the obvious worry you’re going through. However, I have to agree with other posters in terms of going OTT. I think doing as much home school as possible - immediately - before he gets used to not studying would be a help.

WheelySquirrel · 19/03/2024 17:38

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you and your son have been through a rough time.

In terms of the appeal, the panel needs to consider the original decision and whether it was lawful, reasonable & proportionate. It was probably lawful (that’s to do with whether correct procedures were followed by the school) but might not have been so check that if you can. I would say your best argument will be that it wasn’t reasonable and that would be because of all the mitigating circumstances.

You can ask for a SEN expert to be present (a neutral party) which may be helpful.

Good luck.

Kissmystarfish · 19/03/2024 17:42

Throwawayme · 19/03/2024 14:21

I appreciate that you were concerned but it's not unheard of for a teenager to experiment with weed. It's of course not right at such a young age but I don't agree that he was groomed and think your reaction was completely ott. Had you just dealt with it at home instead of involving the police, school and social services your son would still be at school.

I mean this….

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 17:42

I read your OP and thought you were over the top. But having read your second post, I think you didn't have a lot of choice.

I have a DS who is 22 now and I don't think takes any drugs anymore (although you can never be totally sure) but at age 14 he got in with the wrong group and similar things started to happen.

I had already had to remove him from school as he couldn't cope with secondary. He got through primary by the skin of his teeth.

I home schooled y8 and y9. Very quickly discovered he knew nothing, was still working at KS2 levels.

In Y10 he started going to a local college on their 14-16 courses. So this could be an option to consider, educationally speaking.

However, this was where all my son's problems started. He was mixing with much older kids who spotted the vulnerable, easily-lead one a mile off. So it could be a double edged sword.

In the end he was talked into trying something at college and they had to call an ambulance and get him to hospital. The upshot was I had to remove him before they booted him out.

So I can very much sympathise with where you are coming from. Weed is very common, and for a "normal" sensible teenager the odd puff or roll-up isn't likely to do too much harm. But for boys like my DS, who are easily lead, can be manipulated into carrying etc., it's a whole other scenario waiting to happen.

My DS was actually quite relieved to be out of mainstream education. He found it far to pressurised and just couldn't fit in. He knew it was going pear shaped but didn't know how to get himself out of it.

You haven't destroyed his education. You can take exams at any age and go to uni at any age. He might just have a different route.

Home schooling and 14-16 courses at a local college would be my suggestion for the time being. And keep talking to him. He has been used by others, so empathy rather than anger.

But my DS calmed down around 17 and seemed to have a shift in his mindset. So you may have a few tricky years ahead, but hopefully if you can keep him under a bit more supervision, he will come out the other side.

DuckyShincracker · 19/03/2024 17:43

OP I think you are a great Mum. Even if this sets his education back it will have been worth it if you can stop him from becoming a runner and all that follows on. The one question I would ask him is has incurred a debt by losing the gear that he's now in trouble for?

Chiaseedling · 19/03/2024 17:43

I don’t get this.
You were concerned your son was smoking weed so informed the school and social services?
Loads of 14/15 year old smoke weed (year 10 maybe rather than year 9) - while not great, it’s endemic and nothing to do with county lines etc.
A relative was caught smoking by police at a similar age and got some sort of course to go to, idk if school was involved but they certainly didn’t exclude.
Now your DS been permanently excluded you need to find another avenue for him like private or online school.

Starlight7080 · 19/03/2024 17:44

You should have just moved him to another school away from all the toxic people who influenced or bullied him .
Maybe now apply elsewhere.
The last 7 weeks since no school has he been happier or shown no signs of drugs

Gagagardener · 19/03/2024 17:44

@dontpokethemommabear Ignore the people on here who love a pile-on. You deserve better treatment.

You came on for advice. Have you anyone you can ask to look through the thread to dig out messages that could be worth following up?

Years ago, I taught at a school with a similar no-drugs policy; when a boy was expelled in his GCSE year, the head worked to help his parents find him alternative education. Could you bear to make a personal appeal to the Head and Governors?

Keep poking away at social worker/services; LA. Try CAB. There may be small local charities (with 'Education' in their title) who can provide some cash to pay for tutors.

I'm sorry not to be more helpful. If you lived nearby, I'd offer my services.

Best wishes to you - and to both the boys.

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2024 17:45

LSTMS30555 · 19/03/2024 16:03

I think you're full of shit OP but if you're not & this was your actual response to a few joints in your 14 year old boys room; than you seriously need to rethink your parenting and beg him for forgiveness for ruining his future.

There's been an update

Smineusername · 19/03/2024 17:45

Yes extremely reckless and naive of you with profound consequences for your son. Maybe time you grew up

ManagedMove · 19/03/2024 17:46

I'm so sorry this happened to you. From your update I can see why you took the steps you did and I would have considered doing similar. I think given everything else with your son the school probably took the chance to get rid of him, which is exactly what happened to my child last year.

Everything with the widespread bullying, adhd etc could have been written about my child. The school were no help and then she did one, admittedly incredibly stupid, thing and they could not have got rid of her quicker.

I didn't have time to appeal (because she's year 11) and eventually got her into another school, although it is a drive there and back everyday. It was a hideous awful time for us all but honestly she's so much happier at the new school. I can't believe it, she's like a different child. I mention this because am keeping everything crossed for you that this also works out for you and your boy too.

I was going to look at the online schools for my daughter, although they're not cheap I thought it would be doable. I wonder if it's worth looking at that, you might be able to keep more of an eye on him then just to be on the safe side.

lacyviolet · 19/03/2024 17:47

OP, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, and that you've had so many unsympathetic responses. Yes, there was a big drip-feed, but you came on looking for practical advice, and no doubt some reassurance and didn't get much of either. You must feel awful, but you have done your very best and have nothing to apologise for.

I think the advice from the PP who works in schools exclusions is the most helpful: you should go through the appeal process with appropriate SEND-related support, and remember that the authorities have an obligation to provide an education for your son. Then consider a new school / relocation.

Best of luck to both of you Flowers