Grey area of group holiday finances

[Lalalalala555]

Hey.
Looking to see what is considered 'fair' from external perspective.

Ive gota holiday cottage booked for three nights. Fr Sa Su.
Invited friends (two couples).
It sleeps 6.
So theres me and my partner, and then two other couples invited.

We posted in a group chat saying how much it would be each if they wanted to come.
We have done it so that its a set amount, as the cost of the cottage is fixed as booked already and non refundable.

We said it would be 110 each for them.
For my partner and i we decided we would pay a bit more (124).

After posting in the group, one of the other couples want to pay less as they dont want to stay the third night.
They want to pay 2/3 of the cost of 1/6 of the total (if that makes sense).

Its tricky for what is fair. As if they pay 80 instead each, then it means its 200+ each for my partner and I.

Its this wanting to pay for how much someone will be present at the property vs there is already a fixed cost.

Obviously it benefits them to pay less. And us if they pay more.

I don't feel its entirely fair that we would have to pay 3* the amount they pay, for choosing to stay an extra night.
They also will benefit from not having to check out at 10am on the Sunday, which would be the case should the cottage have been booked fri and sat only.

There was no clear consultation in making the booking, we did it after having had a few casual chats about the weekend but not with group consensus. As we are attending an event and the local accommodation had sold out. This one place came up months after so we just booked it.
Hence why we offered it for being cheaper for them.
We didnt know how long they would stay, but they had the option to decide what works best.

Thanks!

You are absolutely not unreasonable OP. Options were come and share a cottage for £110 per person or decline invite if you don’t want to come/don't want to pay that much. I’ve had someone try to negotiate similar when I was sorting out a weekend away for a group and I always just say I’m sorry but that gets far too complicated. It’s x per room or y per person but if it doesn’t suit you no worries at all & we won’t be offended in slightest if you can’t make it.

I bet most people suggesting you are a CF etc are the ones who never do the organising/coordination. It’s pretty much always those people that moan the most about group events.

YANBU. The deal you were offering was £110 for three nights, not £80 for two.

I'd ask some other friends if they'd like to come.

Let's us know what happens with the other couple.

This is the kind of thing that can have long lasting consequences.

Would you consider saying to them OK, it's free and is your Christmas/birthday gift from us? For the sake of family harmony? Everyone saves face

Tell them they have to check out at 10am .they are cheeky imo.

OP I think you're overcomplicating all of this. You offered them the chance to come on a trip, at less than the price it should cost. They said no and wanted to pay less, but the trip doesn't cost less for everyone, so you said no. They don't want to come at a higher price. That's fine, then they don't come and you invite someone else. Things cost what they cost - I'd love a Mercedes but I can't afford one so I don't have one, I don't go to Mercedes and ask for one at a knock-down price. If there is any bad feeling afterwards from them that is 100% because they are dicks. I'd just say sorry we couldn't afford to subsidise your room any further, but understand you felt unable to pay more so you dropped out. No harm done on either side. Don't delay inviting your friends, get it done, if they wanted to come then they had their opportunity. Don't go begging them.

Also all those people saying about just sucking it up to protect the relationships- no, don't. This is how you end up with nasty relationships rooted in resentment. You have to set clear boundaries and then accept that some people will push against them. That's ok. Just take the heat out of the argument by being kind and honest- sorry, we couldn't afford to subsidise the room to that degree, would have been great if you could have come- next time.

If you give way on these kind of things then people will always expect that and you will hate them. Don't give yourself a peptic ulcer.

Thank you so so so much for writing this.

"say sorry we couldn't afford to subsidise your room any further, but understand you felt unable to pay more so you dropped out"

Is really helpful to read, process and is how I'm feeling.

The only nit pick is if no one else comes then we have to pay the whole whack so its more not being prepared to subside rather than not able to.

I think its don't think its fair to subside it any further.

Thank you this really helps me feel solid in my decisions.

Sorry I haven't read it all but I would say it should be split three ways regardless how many nights they stay.

Are there three bedrooms? Or is it two bedrooms and sofa bed in living room? If the latter, then I'd be inclined to accept the £80 but they stay on the sofa bed.

It's not like you can invite someone else to stay that third night to re-coup the costs.

Would you have still booked that accommodation if the other couples were not coming?

And then they said they want to pay less or theyre not coming.

There are some people who seem to consider it a missed opportunity to not haggle about the price, especially when they know your alternative is to pay in full.

Fair enough, though I wouldn't be choosing them to join any plans again anytime soon. Best to know that this is how they are.

Since they are family, if you ever have that situation again, just for fun you might try putting the ball in their court and asking them what they think would be a fair contribution.

Then you can say thanks, but no thanks.

I know I am projecting here, none of my friends are like this though some of the family are. I deal with it by making ever more generous offers to see how low they will stoop before saying 'hey, that's not fair on you'. Four decades, they still haven't so I see them as a group a lot less than I would otherwise and catch up individually with the people whose company I do enjoy and where this kind of thing just doesn't happen.

Another word of warning, given they replied to your partner, I would absolutely leave it all to him in future. Just don't leave yourself wondering whether what you offer is 'fair'. Leave him to it.

Yes! This is what i was worried about.
Its that thing where yeah okay financially we could pay more and subsidise everyone so they pay 160 and we pay 420.
But it doesnt seem fair and I'm not comfortable with it.
And I also don't like to think id put someone else in the position theyre putting us in.

I was wondering whether to start asking other friends now or wait.

As apparently they have said that they are looking for somewhere else to stay as an alternative.
But i know full well it is really hard to find somewhere for those dates and booked up. If anything is available it will be v expensive.

Because they are family to my OH, i dont know if to hold of on trying to fill their space in case they turn around and go oh wait.
We can't find anything cheaper or we've changed our minds.

:s
But maybe this is where i stop being nice and accommodating for others and start thinking about whats best for myself instead. Because they did have the option. And they've already been sat on it for a few weeks before raising the issue.

I think you sound like you had good intentions but personally I would never book anything in the assumption people will be happy to take leave from work without double (and treble) checking with them first. There are many reasons why people can’t or won’t take leave and some people account for their leave years in advance!

I also think that if, in reality, they would have clearly said “we can only stay till Sunday” if you had asked them in advance it’s not fair to expect them to pay for a night they would never have agreed to. What the other couple are paying is a bit of a red herring really. But I also agree that they are being a bit silly not to go at all for the sake of £40 unless they are completely skint.

But it sounds like you would be happy to go on your own anyway so just chalk it up to experience and have a nice weekend.

Im sorry you have people that arent as considerate as you.
I guess you cant choose family but you can choose friends.

I could leave it up to my partner. But the financial implications impact us both. So i see it as a joint discussion and decision.
I also care about the emotional impact on him and impact on his family relationships.
So it would be nice to relinquish any involvement but I want to be involved.

Absolutely spot on x

Op, please don't overthink it ...... Have a fabulous time regardless!!

Yes
There are four bedrooms.
One double one king and two singles.
We said we'd take the singles and that we'd pay slightly more.
Because we booked without consultation.
And also. It's no obligation to come.
Its weve paid for three nights. Come and join. It's this much pp.

That is a really interesting idea. As a birthday /Christmas gift. Will think about that!

You booked it and are covering some of your costs with this invitation. You chose to do this. You need to accept what they are offering or invite someone else.

But maybe this is where i stop being nice and accommodating for others and start thinking about whats best for myself instead. Because they did have the option. And they've already been sat on it for a few weeks before raising the issue.

oh so they took a few weeks to even tell you? Do not wait any longer, they sound like a pain and inconsiderate to you. They're clearly not bothered about how you feel or if it affects the relationship, so you shouldn't overly worry either. Go and see if you can get other people in the room, and since you organised it, please take one of the doubles and not the singles!

Thanks yes. Initially we offered 110 pp, and that means its 220 per couple and 300 for us. At this point we'd said it's a fix price. Stay how long you want.

They then said oh we only want to stay two nights so we should pay less.
We offered 100pp which means we pay 170pp. (200 per couple and 340 for us)

They wanted 80pp and us pay the rest.
Which means 160 per couple, but 420 for us.

We lowered to 100pp. But its just too much to subsidise.
I'd feel bitter knowing theyve all paid 320 total and weve paid 420 total
It just doesnt seem fair.
Because we wouldn't let them choose to pay what they want they said no.

Which is fine.
And i can ask my friends now.
Or we pay for the full thing.

But either way now dont feel bitter or manipulated.

Could he message along the lines of "Oh well, thats a shame. Thanks for letting us know you can't come op has some friends interested in coming for the full time so they can take your space. We were willing to subsidise up to you paying £100 as we really wanted you to be able to come but we totally understand if you can't make finances work." I know you don't know that yet but phrases as you'd rather they came so were offering them a deal but if they are trying to play silly buggers and manipulate you into paying more they'll simply lose their spot?

OP my advice is don't do the pay for it as a birthday/Christmas gift thing, the kind of people it sounds like these people are will expect another gift nearer the time. Also it undermines the clear boundary you are trying to put in place. They get what they want and now even get it for free. Again this is rewarding bad behaviour.

Just message them and say - understand you're looking for somewhere else, please let us know by XX date if you want to take the room at £100 as if you don't by then we will ask other friends to come along so we can split the cost.

That way they can't complain if you fill their slot (or rather they can bit they are clearly unreasonable if they do).

Also XX date should be tomorrow night or something, not a week from now.

So the cost is 740. 6 people staying both Fri and Sat and 2 people staying sun. 14 "shares" if you like. £52.86 pppn or £107.72 per couple per night.

So your offer of £100 was reasonable. Sorry they're being arsey about it

Yes!!
Omg yes
My partner just used chap gpt and had the same outcome.

Thanks so much. Your help today has been so valuable to me. Thank you.
Thats a good idea to send a deadline.

I wanted to give them a last last chance.

Thanks i think you guys all solved the issue.

The fair amount for them to pay is over £100. And we give them a deadline to change their mind.
And then its sorted.

Either way im at peace because i feel certain we've been fair and done the right thing.

Yay.