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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
RadFs · 19/03/2024 11:00

DontBeAPrickDarren · 19/03/2024 04:14

I don’t think I could help myself - I’d want to go to see how he engages with me in front of an audience. It sounds like if you don’t go the relationship will be over and if you do go it may also be over but probably more on your terms than his.

Agree. You should just go and take it from there @Tessa00

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 11:00

DrJoanAllenby · 18/03/2024 21:55

Something is off if you've been seeing him for a year and he hasn't mentioned having a girlfriend to his family.

This is the real issue.

Mumtoboys82 · 19/03/2024 11:01

I don't know why he's kept you secret for a year. I wouldn't be happy with that. Fair enough if he has kids and is waiting before introducing you to the family for their sake, but that isn't the case here. OP I don't think I'd go to the funeral. He's not being fair on you to ask that of you.

80s · 19/03/2024 11:07

I'd been with my dp (living apart and dating) for 3 years when his mum died. I hadn't met the family as they live a good way away. So I didn't go to the funeral and my dp wouldn't have expected me to. When he got the news, he told me immediately, and I went over to his and comforted him as best I could.

The only reasons for you to go to this funeral would be a) to pay your respect to his dad or b) to support him. You never met his dad so have no reason to attend personally. And as you won't be able to support your dp by standing by him, hugging him etc., there seems little point in you being there.
Is he arguing that he needs your presence for support?
Have you mainly been texting about this? It feels like it deserves at least a phone/video call so that you can get across your sympathy and make him feel supported that way.

80s · 19/03/2024 11:13

I wouldn't want to go, and would argue that I'd feel very uncomfortable lying if the inevitable question "How did you know John?" came up. I'd also be questioning the relationship due to the secrecy, and due to him wanting me to lie.

tara66 · 19/03/2024 11:24

You seem to be making a funeral an event about your relationship. Did you even know the deceased? The funeral is about HIM - the deceased and his close family. People are usually in a poor or at least ''mixed'' emotional state when dear parent dies - there is also alot to do/arrange. This is not the time for you to focus on the status of your relationship with decease's son.

Carodebalo · 19/03/2024 11:33

This man is not serious about you. You’ve been dating for a year, he’s met your friends and none of his friends even know about your relationship? I’d say do whatever feels right, go to the funeral or not … but the real problem here is not the funeral, it’s the fact that he his hiding your relationship from his family and friends.

Thatfridayfeeling18 · 19/03/2024 11:33

Understandably there are different opinions and thats ok. My own stance is there is absolutely no way I'd entertain a relationship with a man who after a year didn't refer to me as his partner. As far as I'm concerned if your dating and if long distance also communicating regularly over a period of time, then your in a relationship. There should be no reason to deny it. There is nothing wrong with introducing you to friends and family at the funeral. People would understand you are there to support your partner and would welcome you. I would send my condolences and not go to the funeral. If this man is intent on a relationship and loves you he will be there for you after the event & in the future.

Garlicking · 19/03/2024 11:35

tara66 · 19/03/2024 11:24

You seem to be making a funeral an event about your relationship. Did you even know the deceased? The funeral is about HIM - the deceased and his close family. People are usually in a poor or at least ''mixed'' emotional state when dear parent dies - there is also alot to do/arrange. This is not the time for you to focus on the status of your relationship with decease's son.

He's asking her to support him as a friend, but NOT as a partner. The status of their relationship is highly relevant. He's the one bringing it into focus by lying about it!

AgentJohnson · 19/03/2024 11:36

Don’t prioritise anyone who treats you like an option.

I don’t know what his motives are but you clearly are an option to him but he expects to be treated like a priority to him.

You can do better than this, so do better and seek out a mutually respectful partner because Mr ‘only on my terms’ ain’t it.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/03/2024 11:39

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 10:17

I can't believe the number of apologists on here defending his unreasonable behaviour.

Totally agree. So his dad died, yes this is of course very sad but it’s not carte Blanche for someone to be a cunt.

Abeona · 19/03/2024 11:46

OP, my guess is that he has another girlfriend or perhaps several, or maybe even a wife — who knows? Sadly, many men give women the impression that they are serious about a relationship when they're not.

I'd go to the funeral to see if I could work out what was really going on. You may see other female 'friends' there looking as confused as you. Or maybe he'll introduce you to his family and things will be fine. If I was unhappy at the way he was treating me at the funeral I might introduce myself as W's girlfriend to other attendees and see what happens.

The way he's behaving is odd, so I'm guessing there's something going on that you don't know about. I'd suggest you go to the funeral if you can accept that this might mean the end of the relationship. I'd try to prepare for the possibility that things could fall apart while I was there — so I'd have my own travel plans sorted and paid for, I'd book a comfortable hotel room to retreat to and I wouldn't rely on W for accommodation or transport etc. If things go badly you can just walk away. Good luck.

BMW6 · 19/03/2024 11:47

Well he's a weird one.

I think I'd be backing away from this "relationship". I certainly wouldn't give to the funeral.

TwinklyReader · 19/03/2024 11:49

I think it's really weird that he has hidden you from his family and friends for a whole year and is still doing so.

However, since his dad has just died, I think you should put the issue on the back burner for now. Attend the funeral as his friend. When some time has passed, bring it up with him.

In the meantime, go on with your life in the knowledge that this relationship may have an expiration date. Bring hidden for this long would be too insulting for me. I'd use the next few weeks to date others. After all, there is clearly no commitment from his side.

TwinklyReader · 19/03/2024 11:51

I agree with @Abeona's advice about attending the funeral partly to work out what's going on. The way he behaves with you and with the others there could give you some answers. You might even get talking to someone from his side who might shed some light...

biscuitsnow · 19/03/2024 11:51

Totally agree. So his dad died, yes this is of course very sad but it’s not carte Blanche for someone to be a cunt

100% Agree. I've lost both my parents and still managed not to treat anyone like shit or asked them to act differently with me in public/lie about our relationship. Besides, this has been going on for a year- its not just about the funeral-why are people ignoring this aspect?

This relationship is entirely unbalanced. OP is a secret to be kept away from everyone whilst he has met her friends. OP also says she feels she invests more in him than he does in her. She should listen to her intuition- I guarantee that in another year's time- nothing will have changed and he'll still be saying "yes, I'll introduce you when its the right time" but it never will be the right time and OP will have wasted yet another year on this bloke

TwinklyReader · 19/03/2024 11:54

Maybe also spend some time examining why you put up with being hidden from his friends and family for a year? That's not normal, and is pretty insulting.

biscuitsnow · 19/03/2024 11:54

I'd go to the funeral to see if I could work out what was really going on. You may see other female 'friends' there looking as confused as you. Or maybe he'll introduce you to his family and things will be fine. If I was unhappy at the way he was treating me at the funeral I might introduce myself as W's girlfriend to other attendees and see what happens.

Yes, I think his behaviour will be very telling. I'd also get chatting to friends and see what they revealed about him in conversation

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2024 11:57

Now is not the right time to be doing introductions outside of hello goodbye at the funeral.

I think you can go and be supportive as friend and deal with your relationship status after the fact.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 12:08

tara66 · 19/03/2024 11:24

You seem to be making a funeral an event about your relationship. Did you even know the deceased? The funeral is about HIM - the deceased and his close family. People are usually in a poor or at least ''mixed'' emotional state when dear parent dies - there is also alot to do/arrange. This is not the time for you to focus on the status of your relationship with decease's son.

He is the one that wants her to go.

CorylusAgain · 19/03/2024 12:10

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2024 11:57

Now is not the right time to be doing introductions outside of hello goodbye at the funeral.

I think you can go and be supportive as friend and deal with your relationship status after the fact.

The OP has said her 'dp' is not close to his family and treats his circle of old friends as family. One is even flying in from US apparently. These are the people he wants to be with. He's not included her in this group so far. This group of people aren't grieving so it would be perfectly possible to introduce OP. But he doesn't want to. That's weird and a massive red flag about his commitment to this relationship.

Anneinavan · 19/03/2024 12:10

His family not knowing about you is an issue that needs to be addressed but now is not the time to do it.
Don’t make his father’s funeral all about you.
Im sure you would prefer your introduction to the family to be in better circumstances, they will be living through one of their toughest days.
Show your support by doing as he asks and respecting the distance he has asked for on this day and talk to him when he is in a fit state another time.

SnackQueen · 19/03/2024 12:10

Don't go. You'll spend the entire time feeling insignificant and invisible, awkward amongst strangers, obsessively watching his every move desperately hoping he'll change his mind and come over and embrace you in front of everyone. The reality is that he'll probably be overly distant and formal with you and barely speak to you on the day and it will make you feel terrible. You've already shown your support as much as possible during this sad time for him. Attending the funeral as a secret lover won't bring you closer together nor help the relationship. Spend the time instead thinking about yourself and whether you want to waste any more time on this guy who doesn't seem to be that invested in you. You deserve to be treated better.

purplehotdogs · 19/03/2024 12:19

SnackQueen · 19/03/2024 12:10

Don't go. You'll spend the entire time feeling insignificant and invisible, awkward amongst strangers, obsessively watching his every move desperately hoping he'll change his mind and come over and embrace you in front of everyone. The reality is that he'll probably be overly distant and formal with you and barely speak to you on the day and it will make you feel terrible. You've already shown your support as much as possible during this sad time for him. Attending the funeral as a secret lover won't bring you closer together nor help the relationship. Spend the time instead thinking about yourself and whether you want to waste any more time on this guy who doesn't seem to be that invested in you. You deserve to be treated better.

All of this. Bow out gracefully.

Ghostgirl77 · 19/03/2024 12:21

Refusing to tell his friends and family about you after a year in the relationship is a big red flag for me. Why would he not want you by his side on a day like this? To tell you to come but behave in a way predetermined by him smacks of controlling behaviour.

His tone with you in those messages also sounds suspect, in that he’s trying to make you feel bad for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

I suspect that once of the “excuse” of the bereavement has run its course there will be another reason for you to not have the conversation.

What’s really going on with him? Is he controlling in other ways?

If you were completely happy in the relationship prior to this then it’s probably nothing but if you’ve had concerns for a while then don’t ignore them.