Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

It's been a YEAR. And he doesn't know if you're his girlfriend? No way, it's a very unreasonable request. Yes, he's grieving, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you like shit and make you go through that. "Independent" = stringing you along.

"I don't want to meet his family at a funeral. I have offered to clear my week, travel down and be nearby but he has told me not to. He asked just show up at the funeral"

I thought that this was a very fair offer under the circumstances and a much better compromise for both of you so it seems odd that he's turned it down.

He doesn't want you to stay in the area? That would actually be much more supportive. Just to turn up at the funeral for a few hours and then disappear? Is this some sort of ultimatum? Because it does seem clear from what you've said that you have offered him support.

I can't see realistically what support you could possibly be at the actual event when you have to pretend not to be in a relationship. As the son of the deceased everyone will want to speak to him and he will be very visible. It will put a lot of stress on both of you at what will already be a stressful time for him.

In addition to his family. He will have a lot of close friends he sees, who don't know about you, and you will have to pretend in front of them as well. They will probably want to meet either side of the event too.

He is in grief and maybe hasn't been to many funerals. But for immediate family, they can be VERY busy and the behaviour and level of attention that some family members will unexpectedly require can be very all-consuming. He won't be the only one feeling raw and may have to devote all his time to another family member. It's unpredictable.

I would repeat the offer and the advantages of that to him.

he's been having space to look after his father for a few months before his death.

Prior to this OP has felt he was being open about the relationship, this was the time to do it. Now isn't the time, if she doesn't want to continue the relationship, thats fine but i don't think trying to have deep relationship chats while your partner is grieving is a bit much.

she has been ignoring the red flags up until now, so either go or end it.

Also offering to stay a week with someone who is planning a funeral for their parent is the opposite of helpful.

I would not be in a relationship with a man who won't introduce me to his family. That's an enormous red flag.

At the funeral he'll be sitting at the front with his siblings etc. OP will be somewhere further back.
Has he actually said "please come to the funeral, but can I meet you at the crem/church just beforehand to avoid introducing you to the family in a funeral car", or has he said "no, dont come for the week, maybe just attend the funeral only"?

It sounds like he doesnt have the headspace to decide if you're his long-term partner or a fun girlfriend, or FWB right now. But he'll know if he wants you at his side or somewhere at the back of the church. If the latter, I'd be telling him "Im not going to come unless its to actively support you. Sitting 20 rows back from you isnt supporting you. Decide if you want me beside you (in which case of course Ill be right there) or not (in which case, I'll see you when youre back".

THIS.

If you press him about where you stand right now it'll certainly torpedo a relationship I think he truthfully does value and is nearing a point he wants to introduce you, just not when in the shadow of his+family's bereavement.

Yes, he's expressing confusion (not the red flag suggested) - In his head-space, the overwhelming emotion of grief has left numb any perception of romantic feelings temporarily.
What is more telling about his deep feelings for you is that he longs for you to be present (just for him) when hurting.

How you respond to the situation at this delicate time, is likely to inform his view moving forward... whether you support him in the way he's expressed feels right for him right now, or remain at a distance risking a disconnect and him feeling let down at one of his lowest points.

Best wishes

Hmmm, I'm not convinced he values you and your relationship. You've been seeing each other for a while so it shouldn't be difficult for him to share your status with his family. He doesn't seem to value your support either.

Out of curiosity what culture is he?

I think the last poster said. You seem to really care about him so be there for him.

I feel your pain. I was seeing a man for 2 years and he kept me in a bubble - I was never introduced to his friends or family. I realised eventually that he was not committed and not ready to commit so he kept me outside his life. We had a lovely time together but when it ended it was so easy for him as there was nothing to unpick. I literally never saw or heard from him again. I'm not saying your situation is the same but really what is the big deal about introducing you as his girlfriend? How can it be such an issue after a year? This funeral occasion issue is part of a much bigger problem with him and the way he sees your relationship. His recent message saying he doesn't have a clue and don't make this awkward is a joke. I'd walk away from it altogether and definitely wouldn't go to the funeral.

Announce? Are they royalty producing the next heir? Will there be a bandstand they should climb on? Why reactions and so on? Does the op have 2 heads? Who’s that invested in who cousin David/whoever is dating???

Some more context that may be important - we were fighting before W's Dads death and W had apologised, he had been unpleasant to me and I was upsset. One news broke of his Dad I told him it was all pushed aside and i would forget it. I feel if his Dad had not died we would have broke up, I think I maybe should have left him for what he said but the death is far more important

I pictured being there as partner and would happily stand by him at service etc but I think he wants me to stand aside. Maybe I need to send a message saying 'I am happy to push aside any past fights between us, that doesn't matter now if you would like me to be there as a partner' (??)

I dont want drama, just a simple life/relationship

You are not making it about you. The funeral has simply brought all your concerns about this relationship into focus, and I personally think it is good that you are now "letting out what I have kept in" - because it must rankle.

He has hidden you from his friends for a year, not acknowledged your existence to them. Why? I can think of a few reasons, and none of them put him into a good light, quite the opposite. And now - he wants you to be there, but still be hidden? Really? I fail to see what support you can offer, when he expects you to still be hidden. Frankly it would be easier for him, surely, for you not to be there - as then, he wouldn't have to worry about either of you slipping up and revealing your relationship.

So it's starting to look to me like a very unpleasant manipulation on his part. Imagine you turn up and pretend to be 'just a friend'. He will then be able to argue against taking you to any friends' events, because how will he explain your move from 'friend' to girlfriend'. Oh no, no, no - too confusing for everyone, questions would be asked about when and how, so much easier @Tessa00 for you just to stay apart from the rest of my entire life and never the twain shall meet!

So, me - I would be looking to do two things now:
1 Not attend this funeral
2 Reassess this relationship

I feel if his Dad had not died we would have broke up
Maybe he thought the same thing and that's one reason why he does not want to introduce you as his gf now; he's not sure if you are going to even be his gf after the funeral.

Maybe I need to send a message saying 'I am happy to push aside any past fights between us, that doesn't matter now if you would like me to be there as a partner' (??)
Nothing like this matters to him right now.
If you can't speak to him in person and express loving sympathy and consolation, without bringing up any further sources of stress, then it's probably best to just step away.

What were you fighting about?

Based on this update and the fact he's kept you hidden for a year, I think this relationship is dead in the water. Yes, you could do as pp's say and go along to the funeral and be kind so you don't look like a bad person for not going, but personally, I wouldn't even bother with that.

I certainly wouldnt go to the funeral under the circumstances you describe. All this asking you to pretend you're just a friend and telling you not to stay in the aeprea. This is controlling and manipulative IMHO.

This resonated with me. H and I were going through an awful time due to him. Then a few days later his dad died and I put all my efforts into supporting him and the family. Five months later I had to ask for a trial separation and now a few more months we are divorcing.

What @80s said about maybe he also feels the relationship was done is spot on.

Don't prostrate yourself for him OP it's one thing compromising your needs when your partner is facing hard times but quite another to do that when you basically know it's over anyway.

You talk a lot about him and what he may or may not want or think but you really need to be thinking about how all this is affecting you and your long term happiness.

It's done , as a PP said no drama to stay away as he won't even acknowledge it's a relationship to end anyway.

Nothing like this matters to him right now.

Absolutely. I really think you should just step away now @Tessa00. Your latest update changes everything. He really doesn’t need the stress of having to deal with this. It’s best if you just let him be at this stage.

The fight was about his insensitivity towards stressful health news I had gotten and he said a couple really insensitive things that I felt I should end it because of but I'm happy to put it down to being a mistake

He may also now think we are now over and can't see clarity for us going forward but I would be willing to forgive

Sorry to hear that @BirthdayRainbow xxx

I put up with this for two years. No dinners out ever. One trip to the theatre. I never met his widowed mother, nor his sister. He met all my friends.

He is sending me many messages about how hard all the admin is, the speech, picking songs and I am obviously replying with sympathies and kindness

Thank you @Tessa00 but don't be. It's for the best.

I don't think this is your forever relationship though.

That's a hell of a drip feed!

I think in view of this post I would say don't go. His dad dying is not a great basis for holding a relationship together imo.

So he’s kept your relationship secret for a year despite doing the chasing and was horrible to you just before his dad died? He doesn’t sound like much of a prize tbh. I wouldn’t attend the funeral and break up with him shortly after if I was you and find someone who will treat you well and not keep you a secret