Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

I absolutely don’t think this is the time to meet his parents.

The part about him keeping this from his friends though is also odd, it rings alarm bells and I would have canned it on this basis alone.

In all honesty I don’t think he sees you as a partner . He is not treating you as part of his life . No idea what he’s up to but you will feel uncomfortable at the funeral and will probably not be able to support him in the way he wants .

After a year It looks like it’s the classic ‘ he’s not that in to you ‘ . I’m sorry OP but I think you should put yourself first and stay away .

You come across as a lovely person and there is someone out there who will be desperate for you to meet his friends !

I'd go. I wouldn't expect rational behaviour from someone who has just lost a parent. He is asking for your support.

This is an opportunity to meet his friends and get to know them in a low key, no expectations sort of way without a big announcement that he is 'in a relationship'.

I wouldn't be surprised if after the formalities he mentions to people that actually you are more than friends. Even if he doesn't they will probably have a good idea you are more than just a friend anyway.

If you knew his Dad then yes you should go, but it sounds like you don't know his family, they don’t know about you and therefore you should not go. you should also be questioning him about why after a year his family doesn’t know about you!

If it were me, I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't be upset about it either. I'd just say I couldn't be bothered putting on a pretence of distance at an occasion that is going to be emotional. It's not wrong of him to ask, but it's a hard game to play.

"W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this awkward right now."

This is him absolutely trying to shut you down and control how you feel.

Colleagues. Colleagues from his team. I don’t know how well OP knows them though.

But he hasn't been dealing with grief for the last year that he has kept OP a secret, his dad dying has just brought all the secrecy into very sharp focus unexpectedly.

I don't think I'd go - I'd make some polite excuse about how he needs to be with people who really know his dad and I don't want our relationship to be a distraction on the day. Maybe offer to meet him afterwards though.

I think it would be even weirder if you were there as a 'friend' but later introduced as his girlfriend.

But the point is that he has specifically asked to define the relationship as "friends". It's not an issue of OP demanding some sort of relationship rights, it's about him forcing a narrative that is different from the way he has talked about the relationship in the past.

If he was so stricken with grief he was barely thinking straight, why is he so clear about his expectations on the OP? Why would that feature and require a specific instruction?

A colleague who would travel a distance and stay over for a few days for a funeral of someone they never met !

Looking ahead, he's going to be in a state of grief for a while to come. There is no viable opportunity in the foreseeable to have a discussion about your odd relationship which would not be taking place whilst he's still raw from losing his dad. So having spent a year being hidden are you happy to wait another 6 months for him to be fully available to you and maybe then find there's no real change? I'd tell him that you should stop seeing each other due to the weirdness that existed before which he did nothing to remedy long before all this with his dad, and the fact that he's not going to be in the right headspace to fix anything in the immediate future. It's not fair on you. I think he sees you as a life support system, he has fun with you, wants you at the funeral but only as a friend, but he doesn't want you meshed into his real outside life.

I can't believe the number of apologists on here defending his unreasonable behaviour.

I'd be wondering what he is hiding. Ask if there is any sort of tea after the funeral, if so whether friends are invited or just family and if so are you invited to it? If there is you only go if invited. If there isnt it is still likely people will go somewhere for a drink.

It's an opportunity to find out if he is hiding something, for that reason I'd go.

I understand why he doesn’t want the stress of introducing you as gf at the funeral, but what I don’t understand is why he wants your support then but can’t fit you in at any other time before or after the funeral.

Why does he want support at the funeral when there will be loads of people to support him, but he wants space the rest of the time? It doesn’t make sense.
Ask him that question.

I wouldn’t go and I’d be wanting introductions in the very near future. ATM it sounds as if he’s dallying with you and hasn’t got serious intentions.

You see, significant relationships are what matters when funerals come around. You have an intimacy that you have built with someone that means that in your worst time - they are your person, there for you.

He wants you to be there for him, in his worst moments but in return you are a placeholder for his person, the one he wants to tell everybody about and bring fully into his life.

Don't get me wrong, there are people who tell everyone about every new person they ever meet and then it's over but a year in - no.

I would hold firm to your offer to be nearby but not attend. Not to be mean but to be clear.

@Scirocco ”That keeps things civil and gives you a smooth exit which can't be turned into a narrative like "my ex dumped me when my dad died!".”

He can tell himself what he likes (OP is not responsible for helping him better himself). He can’t tell anybody else that because then he would have to admit he’s been seeing her for a year.

Do you both work for the same company ? as you have said ' I also have heard some of our colleagues are going from his team '

as he has not declared you as his girlfriend to his family / friends and colleagues I would not be going to the funeral - not as a friend not as a girlfriend not as a colleague.

He will have plenty of support from family friends and colleagues - you did not even meet his father ? why would you attend the funeral of someone you do not know.

Give him time and space to himself, and if he reaches out to you after the funeral well then see if you both still want a relationship as girlfriend/boyfriend.

I think it's ok he doesn't want to introduce a girlfriend at a parent's funeral.

But his messages to you made me pause - it's like he wants to just not be an "us" right now.

I think you're fine to distance yourself, now. You can wish him well but you don't have to compromise yourself or your feelings to accommodate him. It's all a bit odd. A year and he's told no one? You dont want or need to be with someone who sees you as a secret.

Personally, I think if he 'doesn't know what you are' after a year, you're not in a relationship and I would walk away.

I think this is a true test of your relationship - are you friends? Do you care about him as a friend? If the romantic side of your relationship did not work out - would you still want to be friends with him?

I think if you care for him as a friend and would still want to be friends if the romantic side if your relationship did not work out - than go as a friend.

If you think you would not want to be friends if the romantic side did not work out - than don't go because you understandably want to know where things are at...but that will mean putting your feelings ahead of his at the moment and I suspect his grief needs to take priority...so bow out now with compassion and let his true friends step up.

I think it doesn't bode well for your relationship that his friends don't know you exist. With family, things can be complicated, but people choose their friends.

His early use of the word relationship could be love bombing if not backed up by the real parts of a relationship - like meeting friends.

I had an ex like this, he talked about the possibility of us getting married early in the relationship which made me think he was serious - but a year on I had not met his friends, nor family - there was always some excuse and I was young and naive and let things go on far too long.

@HoppingPavlova well she wouldn't be meeting his Dad, what with him being dead and all .....

He wants a fictional version of you to attend. A Tessa who is a colleague and a friend, no more than that. And he's demanding that you play this role, however uncomfortable it may make you feel.

I've very sorry this is happening to you; what a distressing way to find out your partner's keeping his options open.

Whether to attend the funeral or not is up to you. In your shoes, however, I would not disguise the relationship. It sounds as though some of his friends already know you (or know of you) through work? When the chit-chat comes around to how everyone's connected with him or his family, I'd say "We've been in a relationship for a year now."

He doesn't get to define you.

Should you decide not to join the funeral party, I think it's worth considering the future of this half-relationship. You deserve better than to be pushed into the shadows.

He can't tell you where you stand with him, he wants you to attend but not as his partner yet has asked you not to be awkward at this time. It would be very awkward for you to attend as a nobody.

I think it's best all round that you don't go, and just leave him to deal with all of this on his own as that is what he seems to want.

I wouldn't be going. Give him space and see what happens. If he messes you around then block him.

My widowed friend recently introduced his new partner at his father's wake. She didn't go to the funeral though.