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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Bluesky85 · 19/03/2024 08:58

I would go and support him, but don’t go out of your way to act different around him. Just be how you would normally. If he wants to introduce you as a friend, fine, but pretty sure everyone at that funeral will know different anyway! However long term you do need to get to the bottom of why he’s keeping you at arms length. If things haven’t improved in a few months I’d move on.

NeedToChangeName · 19/03/2024 09:02

Josette77 · 18/03/2024 23:49

After a year he doesn't even know if you are his girlfriend?

I would not be putting up with this.

Don't go. This isn't a relationship.

I just met a bunch of my boyfriends family last month at his step dad's funeral. We'd been together just over a year.

I mainly said hi, nice to meet you, sorry it's under such sad circumstances, sorry for your loss.

You're not announcing your engagement. You're simply showing up to your boyfriend's dad's funeral.

What makes it weird is he has kept you a secret. Who actually knows that you're dating on his side?

@Josette77 If they've been together a year, I don't really understand why it would be so inappropriate to take a partner and introduce them. Your wording "nice to meet you, sorry for the circumstances" sounds perfect

OP, you're focusing on the funeral, but I think the real question is why are you a secret after 1 year?

Scirocco · 19/03/2024 09:03

If after a year of dating, he's saying he doesn't know what you are in terms of your relationship with each other, then it's pretty clear that there isn't a committed relationship there.

Under normal circumstances, I'd say bin him instantly, but his dad's just died. I probably would suggest to go to the funeral to show support, having confirmed with soon-to-be-ex that there would be no intimacy of any sort, no shared hotel time, etc. Afterwards, give him the space he's asked for and then, after a culturally appropriate period of time, say to him that it's become clear that the two of you want different things from a relationship and end things.

That keeps things civil and gives you a smooth exit which can't be turned into a narrative like "my ex dumped me when my dad died!".

hellsBells246 · 19/03/2024 09:05

W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

If you have been together a year and this is his response to a huge life event, instead of asking for your support or wanting to see you, then he's not emotionally invested in you. I'd step right back. I would not go to the funeral, and I'd reconsider the entire relationship.

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 09:06

swayingpalmtree · 19/03/2024 08:46

Is it? Is he asking her to lie and make up stories? He’s asking her to go as his friend, as a pp wisely pointed out healthy relationships are based on friendship so how is this lying?

Well yes, he is asking her to lie- otherwise why not say this is my girlfriend? they've been together a year, its not like they've only been dating 2 months. As for the "partners are friends" bit, come on, you know thats misrepresenting it. I don't introduce my husband to people as my "friend" even though he is- it's fucking weird.

Totally agree with you that its doomed though.

See, I don’t buy the lying by omission argument. The relationship doesn’t need to be defined at all. I just introduce my bloke by his name, I don’t make a point of announcing our relationship.

moderate · 19/03/2024 09:08

@Tessa00 This man is really driving the point home that you are nothing more than a “friend with benefits”. I suspect he is secretly hoping you will refuse to come (he already has the support of plenty of friends on the day) and he will huff and puff about it but sooner or later acquiesce to having sex with you again. Is this really the relationship you want?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/03/2024 09:11

i wouldn’t be going. He doesn’t tell them you exist and all of a sudden you’re expected to roll up and be an emotional support human of sorts, but oh no not an actual partner? Fuck him frankly

PrincessCharlottesleftsleeve · 19/03/2024 09:12

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:40

I think he just doesnt wish to settle down and this has pushed that further back, which is obviously fine but makes me feel confused. He has only been in relationship and that was with his ex wife, apart from now with me

We have only spoken on the phone once since it happened so the first time I will see him in weeks will be as friends at the funeral (maybe this is also normal)

If you're asking if this is normal in UK, it isn't.

TheFancyPoet · 19/03/2024 09:13

My husband presented me to his mother at the first Christmas after we've met. I had a horrible migraine, may be due to nerves. And she welcomed me officially. I did not want to go, but she insisted to see who her son lives with so soon after meeting her and there we are. Make things easy.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/03/2024 09:13

Reading all of OP’s posts and most of the replies I think he’s been lovebombing her and making her think it’s more of a relationship than it really is. After a year he should be clear on what it is. The funeral coming up has shown him on one hand he needs a supportive woman there but he doesn’t want it to be a place where he’ll be outed as being in a relationship and then having all that entails with his family and friends.

So don’t go to the funeral and end things. He’ll be fine.

Branleuse · 19/03/2024 09:14

I wouldn't be part of the weirdness. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. He either wants your support or doesn't. I am a terrible liar and would ask him to just go alone as you find his request kinda degrading and inappropriate.

LipstickLil · 19/03/2024 09:17

I wouldn't go either. He wants you there to support him, yet he won't acknowledge you as his girlfriend/partner? Fuck that! You didn't know his father, so it's not like you'd go to the funeral as a mourner. A funeral at which he's the chief mourner may well not be the time for him to introduce you to his friends and family, but he's kept you a secret for a year. Why?

Seaoftroubles · 19/03/2024 09:18

Don't go OP, it will put you in an awkward position and there will be a weird dynamic between you if you have to pretend to be just a friend. Is it right that other joint colleagues attending also don't know the two of you are in a relationship? If so that tells you everything really.

VictoriaEra · 19/03/2024 09:18

I think I would be inclined to go to the funeral as requested as there will be other people you know. That way you will have nothing to reproach yourself for. But going forward, he needs to stop hiding you. If it was me, I would give him the one day to avoid muddying the narrative if you need to give ultimatum at a later date.

Freakinfraser · 19/03/2024 09:19

In that text he is saying he’s not sure what this is, a relationship or friendship.

its up to you if you go to the funeral or not, but I would simply accept what he’s said right now, then come back at in about a month.

you think he’s your partner, he is not in that headspace. And so doesn’t wish to tell everyone that’s what you are when he is unsure.

VictoriaEra · 19/03/2024 09:19

Scirocco · 19/03/2024 09:03

If after a year of dating, he's saying he doesn't know what you are in terms of your relationship with each other, then it's pretty clear that there isn't a committed relationship there.

Under normal circumstances, I'd say bin him instantly, but his dad's just died. I probably would suggest to go to the funeral to show support, having confirmed with soon-to-be-ex that there would be no intimacy of any sort, no shared hotel time, etc. Afterwards, give him the space he's asked for and then, after a culturally appropriate period of time, say to him that it's become clear that the two of you want different things from a relationship and end things.

That keeps things civil and gives you a smooth exit which can't be turned into a narrative like "my ex dumped me when my dad died!".

Yes. This exactly.

Tbry24 · 19/03/2024 09:24

Years ago my DP’s relation died. Even though we lived together at that point I had not met any of them family (we are now NC/LC with the handful of family members I have met). I would have loved to be there to have supported my DP but I was not going to meet people at a funeral whilst they were grieving.

So no as you do not even live together and his family do not know about you do not attend.

Tbry24 · 19/03/2024 09:29

I’ve just read more of the posts and see that you have not even met friends. So not a relationship as far as I can tell, and from his texts he does not even seem to want a relationship. I would leave him alone completely wait for the grieving and funeral to pass and see what he does or does not do and not waste my time on him.

You are being treated like a hidden secret/mistress not a partner IMHO.

justasking111 · 19/03/2024 09:29

Is there an age difference @Tessa00

Agapornis · 19/03/2024 09:31

Voorzover ik t begrijp heeft dit niks te maken met verschillen tussen Nederlandse en Britse culturen, hij is gewoon vervelend aan het doen.

This isn't to do with Dutch and British differences in funeral cultures, he's being a bit of a twat.

Ik woon hier al een poos en heb met begrafenissen gewerkt (begraafplaats, niet ondernemer) - stuur me een bericht als je denkt dat het je zou kunnen helpen.

Isouf · 19/03/2024 09:34

He is playing you around and the funeral put him in an awkward position.

However, it's a very sad time for him so I wouldn't be pushing for conversations about your relationship.

Just say you wont go as you dont know anyone else there but will give as much support before and after.

When things settle a bit then i would have a proper conversation.

pontipinemum · 19/03/2024 09:38

Dontbeme · 19/03/2024 08:46

But the man himself says he doesn't know what they are? There is no relationship to discuss. I'm Irish too and have attended lots of funerals to support friends and neighbours but those people didn't deny knowing me.

But hasn't she just asked him? His head is probably all over the place and he doesn't know what to think.

Granted we were a lot younger (19) but the day after my dad died my then bf asked did I forget it was our 'anniversary' (it was a month one not even a year). I had of course forgot. The only thing on my mind was grief. I told him so.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 09:39

@VictoriaEra

I think I would be inclined to go to the funeral as requested as there will be other people you know.

How will there be other people OP knows?

Katiesaidthat · 19/03/2024 09:39

I went out for longer than I should´ve with someone who compartmentalised like this. I had met his mum, but no one else in his family. When I broke up with him, I actually phoned his mum to say goodbye. And she told me then, he never EVER mentioned anything of his private life, she was shocked my mum had had cancer, she said I probably thought she knew and didn´t even bother to comment (I used to phone her house to speak with thim). She was actually pretty nice to me, more than him. Please don´t go to the funeral. He will look left and right to make sure no one has noticed you, greet you as warmly as he would Doris from Accounts and move on to greet others. Don´t do this to yourself. Then if he actually bothers to contact you again. Just move on, it´s not working for you. While you are waisting time with him you aren´t meeting someone to whom you would be someone he would be proud of acknowledging.

forrestgreen · 19/03/2024 09:43

I would t go and I'd tell him why. That it would feel fake to be there and not be with you. It would feel awful if in the future you chose to introduce me to friends, that they recognise me from the funeral and I'd feel like I had lied somehow.
I'm happy to support you from afar and when you're feeling stronger we can talk about us.

Tbh if he doesn't pull his finger out after he's recovered somewhat then you're not the girl for him. Sorry