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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/03/2024 10:39

the more you write about him the more it looks like work colleagues that are shagging and no one in the office knows, and you have been relegated to a friend with benefits.
not a partner, not a girl friend.

moderate · 20/03/2024 11:25

@Tessa00 Drop him, politely but firmly.

He’s made it perfectly clear that if he is ever going through hard times at the same time as you are going through hard times, your hard times will have to be put on hold.

I wouldn’t worry about him trying to paint you as the villain either. Who would his audience be?! He hasn’t told anyone you’re together in the first place! Are you concerned about how he himself perceives you? Don’t be. He doesn’t care about you.

neverenoughplants · 20/03/2024 12:11

moderate · 20/03/2024 11:25

@Tessa00 Drop him, politely but firmly.

He’s made it perfectly clear that if he is ever going through hard times at the same time as you are going through hard times, your hard times will have to be put on hold.

I wouldn’t worry about him trying to paint you as the villain either. Who would his audience be?! He hasn’t told anyone you’re together in the first place! Are you concerned about how he himself perceives you? Don’t be. He doesn’t care about you.

This is a very good point! If he wants to claim to his family/friends that he is heartbroken and you're the villain, he will first have to admit that he has had a partner for a year that he didn't tell them about (and wasn't planning to introduce to them anytime soon). Somehow I don't think they will be very sympathetic to him.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:16

He sent a message this morning asking how I am, first time in quite a while he asked. I have muted his messages for now

I think our relationship suited me after the divorce, as I said he chased me and I enjoyed that. He is 40 next week and we were making nice plans for his birthday and my birthday next month. He spoke a lot about his excitement for our future and I love(d) him so I would have put the past few weeks aside and stood up as his partner, if asked. I know it's normal to act oddly during grief but I'm in knots and that's not OK.

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 20/03/2024 12:28

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

More likely you are replying to messages slower than usual and he is trying to reel you back in. Keep him muted.

Ghostgirl77 · 20/03/2024 12:30

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

He realises you’re not running after him and boosting his ego as much as usual and now he’s going to try and reel you back in by telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

The “dusty eggs” comment was the real him. Don’t be fooled.

Toothbrushh · 20/03/2024 12:44

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

Do

not

reply

moderate · 20/03/2024 12:46

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

Your failure to chase him has reminded him that "friends with benefits" is supposed to be predicated on "friend" at the very least, and that he might actually have to pay this some lip service.

RampantIvy · 20/03/2024 12:49

As other have replied - mute and ignore.

PoochiesPinkEars · 20/03/2024 12:58

Toothbrushh · 20/03/2024 12:44

Do

not

reply

Bears repeating...

Do

Not

Reply

😁😁😁

SerafinasGoose · 20/03/2024 13:01

Dontbeme · 20/03/2024 12:28

More likely you are replying to messages slower than usual and he is trying to reel you back in. Keep him muted.

That's about it. He's seen you are not jumping to dance to his tune immediately and sensed that you are backing away.

The atrocious comment about the dusty eggs stung me, a stranger - I had longterm fertility issues so this strikes painfully on my ears - and it wasn't even directed at me. That was a callous, calculated, horrible thing to say to anyone under any pretext, let alone the partner you profess to love.

People with this mindset don't get better. He wants you for what you can offer him, and is only offering his support to you now he senses yours has been withdrawn. These responses are not about his seeing the error of his ways and wanting to be a better partner.

Hold firm, @Tessa00. Know that you deserve better than this, and give him the space he needs to come to terms with his loss. He has, after all, told you not to make things 'awkward'. This way, you can't be accused of making this about you.

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2024 13:41

He knows you're cooling off. I wouldn't even reply. No good will come from it.

justasking111 · 20/03/2024 13:49

I had two years of the hot cold treatment. He'd leave one pink rose in a box to let me know I was in favour again, which I fell for until I didn't.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 20/03/2024 13:54

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 12:20

He has now asked if he can do anything for me to help me. I wonder did he see this thread and realise he was being a dick 🙃

Typical, as he is sensing you are pulling away.
Continue to ignore.

Which of your messages did you decide to send him, in the end?

Zonder · 20/03/2024 13:54

I disagree actually. Perhaps he is coming out of the fog a bit. I wouldn't rush back to wanting a relationship but if you really like him I'd see what he behaves like going forward. But don't take any crap.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:03

@SerafinasGoose I'm sorry it triggered anything. I wasn't planning on saying it on Mumsnet but I hope you're doing well xx

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 20/03/2024 14:06

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:03

@SerafinasGoose I'm sorry it triggered anything. I wasn't planning on saying it on Mumsnet but I hope you're doing well xx

No, don't apologise! You've done nothing wrong and it's fine, truly. I did, however, want to convey to you starkly what an absolutely horrible thing he has said to you. You need to share these things - it's your thread - and it's your immediate problem you need to tackle here. I only hope to offer you support.

I am fine, we now have a beautiful son.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:07

Waited a few hours and said 'just look after yourself and your family.' Today is the day his Dads body is being released to them ahead of the funeral so I don't wish to add anymore to his day

@SerafinasGoose I'm delighted you now have a lovely son xxx

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 20/03/2024 14:08

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

Oh fucking hell Tessa! Put him BACK! how much are you willing to be disrespected by one person who "loves" you. Put him in the bin ffs.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:08

He just replied 'will I see you at the funeral?' 😟😕😪

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 20/03/2024 14:10

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:08

He just replied 'will I see you at the funeral?' 😟😕😪

"Fortunately not dickhead, maybe invite coworker with less dusty eggs?"

Or something to that effect...

dudsville · 20/03/2024 14:12

Yeah, this isn't to do with British funeral traditions, he's being weird. Whether you go or not, the weird thing is his keeping you a secret. A new relationship doesn't need a fanfare, but it raises red flags that he's keeping you a secret.

Candleabra · 20/03/2024 14:15

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:08

He just replied 'will I see you at the funeral?' 😟😕😪

He’s chasing you again now you’re not as available. You said this is how he behaved in the early days.

Garlicking · 20/03/2024 14:18

HowToSaveAWife · 20/03/2024 14:10

"Fortunately not dickhead, maybe invite coworker with less dusty eggs?"

Or something to that effect...

I like this a lot! But, @Tessa00, maybe you can just tell him it doesn't feel right for you to go. Wish him well, etc. And book yourself a couple of nights somewhere really lovely - far from the funeral - at the same time. Mute his number, so as not to be pestered by emotional blackmail.