Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP, no I don't think you are unreasonable.

He's a grown man who has been seeing you for a year, yet cannot bring himself to acknowledge you in front of friends and family. What on earth is wrong with him?

He either lies to them regularly, or he has another partner or he has some sort of commitment-phobia. All are huge red flags.

I wouldn't attend and compound his lies. And I'd be rethinking your relationship if he does not drop all the secrecy in the next six weeks. Where is his respect for you?

OP- what he said was absolutely vile. Thats not dark humour- it's flat out negging and it's done as a form of control. "looking after his dad" is a pathetic excuse. Things said in humour often indicate what lies underneath.

It's not ok - plenty of us have looked after relatives or had relatives pass and we don't say horrible things like that which are purposely intended to hurt and wound. I also highly doubt if the boot was on the other foot and you had made a similar comment to him about his manhood that he would just brush it aside and be as gracious about it.

You do sound so lovely and you deserve so much better than this nasty man.

Totally agree with this:

Hell no that's way too meek

Send a text saying

"Can't make funeral I'm dusting my eggs!"

I know you wont as you're too empathetic to do this but please take what we have all said on board- you deserve so much better x

Of course he should have asked about your health. Grief isn’t a carte Blanche to act like a cunt.

if it were me I’d end it now before the funeral and block him. It isn’t going to get any better and he’s going to be wheeling out the dead dad as an excuse for being an arsehole for a long time after the funeral if you let him. I actually find him quite disgusting in that regard, using a bereavement as a front for shitty behaviour

Don't drag this out @Tessa00 Don't talk about your relationship now or try and ask him to discuss it.

Politely tell him you're not going today, this morning, message now. Nothing about "relationships/what are we" or petulant "I'm not going because you don't know what we are" type things.

A simple " Hi W. I've decided that I won't be coming to your dad's funeral. I hope all goes as well as you've planned for. Wishing you the best. Tessa"

Politely respond to any messages he sends after. Take your time to reply. Don't rush.

Wait until he gets home to end things face to face, but only if he reaches out to you to meet up.

You sound a decent human being. This is the decent way to withdraw while another person is burying a parent they love and have cared for over months.

He may not be decent to you, but you don't need to stoop to his level. Maintain your dignity and know in the years to come, you ended things as well as you could in the circumstances.

Honestly, I’d not say anything much at all. A simple “agree it would be awkward for us both were I to attend the funeral now. Glad you will have friends and family to support you on the day. Take care.’ And do not engage.

You say it will be uncomfortable professionally - but that is on him. If noone else knows, it will hardly raise a stir. It’s also quite normal for post-split awkwardness when people have mixed relationships with work acquaintances. It will pass and things will find a new normal - just avoid any time alone with him when you see him professionally again (no quick coffees or a post meeting drink where he can reel you in or make you feel bad). Just erect your boundary and keep him on the other side of it.

Tbh, it seems odd to be invited to/to be expected to attend the funeral of someone you’ve never met. I don’t know anyone who would do that. Don’t give him another thought ad just focus on yourself/your health now.

@Tessa00
Honestly? I'd DEFINITELY not attend the funeral & would end the relationship.

He wasn't treating you well BEFORE his dad passed away so can't blame his bereavement. He's got plenty of friends who are as close to him as family to support him through this time - you shouldn't feel guilty for backing away. He's absolutely using you & sounds quite unpleasant.

You sound like a very lovely, forgiving person & deserve better.

@Tessa00 why do you need to anticipate or deal with his grief? Why care? Everyone loses loved ones and everyone deals with grief in their own way. You aren't responsible for how he deals with his loss. He's a grown adult and he has shown how detached he is from you that he couldn't care less about your health concerns.

You need to step away from the over analysis, it sounds really unhealthy and out of all proportion. You're wasting time caring about someone who doesn't care about you. Sorry to put it in such stark terms but you have presented the facts so it's the only conclusion I can draw. Why not ask a friend who knows you well and see what they say.

You're giving him all the power and control in this relationship with this comment and saying about we saw each other as partners is a very twee way of saying we had sex remember.

If you truly felt loved and secure in this relationship you would not have all this angst.

it is time to say: this is not working for me anymore. I wish you well for the future. No kisses.

Given his already demonstrated lack of consideration and flaky attitude towards your relationship, I think he will be OK.

If he says anything otherwise it would be very selfish of him. He's had years of mileage from his ex's treatment and will no doubt do the same with this circumstance.

He's a manipulator and he's not very kind either. OP it's time to focus on yourself. This is not the relationship you thought it was. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some space to find your peace again

@BirthdayRainbow agree.
To add, he can twist that into you forcing him into dealing with relationship issues when he's trying to deal with a funeral, 'adding drama into his already difficult situation' (can hear it now)... This would further make you doubt yourself and put you on the back foot. Risk is you'd end up apologising and trying yourself in knots...

You just tell him where you're at, nice clear and simple, no complicated-conversation starters.

Globules post is spot on. The day before the funeral is not the time to send messages about your relationship or lack of. The message suggested in her post is spot on. Anything else is just going to result in him saying you’re causing drama and you spending far too long overanalysing his responses. Send the message and mute him on WhatsApp for a while so you’re not tempted to engage further.

Not this. You know what you are now, sadly.

I would just send a message saying sorry I can't be there today. I'll be thinking of you. I'll see you when you're able to be back at work but in the meantime you know where I am if you want to talk.

He's already made it clear before his dad died, that you're just friends now. He's already told you. I'd keep my distance and stop texting him. Be civil when you see him at work, but nothing else. You deserve better. Don't get tangled up in his grief, and pity him.

When you have to meet him again at work you need to be in control. Acknowledge that the relationship is over and get yourself used to that, then be friendly but professional when you see each other again. Have no expectations of him and treat him as someone you used to know.

Stop making excuses for this piece of shit.

He is treating you appallingly!

He is the one insisting she has to come to the funeral but pretend to be a work colleague! OP was happy to just turn up or not turn up, he has brought up all of this stuff about her going but pretending not to know him.

You know… this is not the the time to make him define what you are, take a step back, he has made it clear, he doesn’t know if you are his girlfriend, therefore, you are NOT his girlfriend, he doesn’t want to introduce you as such because you are not, why on Earth would you want to attend a funeral where he wants you at a distance? Do you need a public humiliation to decide how much he cares? You know already, this is not his grief having him being an arse, it is just plainly a man who likes your company but who has no intention to commit to you. If he had, he would have already and would be concerned about your health, the fact he isn’t, says it all.

👌👏

OP you are too nice, and I don't mean that as a compliment.

You have got yourself into a situation where you are trying to prioritize a man that doesn't care about you. Every time that he is vile (dusty eggs FFS) you excuse it, you are trying to find just the right words, do just the right thing to please him, but he doesn't care about you. I am sorry if that is harsh but it's clear as day you are convenient for now, non demanding woman that does what he wants and asks nothing for yourself. You seem to believe that if you ask for less and less that he will eventually love you and include you into his life completely, but he won't, every time you bend that bit more for him he sees that you will accept any old BS and his respect for you lessens even more.

You are making this man and his feelings a priority when he hasn't introduced you to his family or friends after a year, at most some friends know that he is "speaking" to an unnamed woman. After a year of how many nights together, the most he will admit is that he is speaking to a woman, not you but some unnamed woman.

You keep writing about messaging about the end of the relationship and how to phrase that to him at this time, but he is not going to be impacted in the way you think, he is not going to be dealing with the devastation of grief and a relationship ending, he's just not, the relatiosnhip ending will be news to him as he doesn't consider what you have a relationship, it's a convenient situationship that doesn't overlap with any other area of his life. If he was run over by a bus tomorrow nobody in his life would think to contact you as they don't know he has spent the past year of his life with you, doesn't that seem perverse to you?

Agree, I think he's got you all tied up in his 'recovering from a really bad break up' story and you've poured all your empathy into refracting all your expectations through the prism of his self proclaimed emotional baggage and now you've got something that looks and feels nothing like a happy balanced relationship.
Time to drop the prism and empathise with yourself.

Wow, what an arsehole. Obviously don't go to the funeral. Step away and stay away from him. He really is not worth all this analysis.

You should read this a few times, OP. Sorry.

Regarding the poster who said he can dine out on how heartless @Tessa00 would be to dump him now, remember he hasn't told anyone he's in a relationship and actually has been for a year.

Absolutely. This has all got far more complicated than it needs.

You were arguing already, and disagreeing about your relationship even before he’s introduced you to his family?
This situationship has absolutely no future.

It’s clear that you’re a FWB, nothing more. A convenient and willing source of sex and not much more. He certainly doesn’t see you as a partner of any shape or form.
@HomeTheatreSystem has it right; for goodness sake find your self respect and back off, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for from him. He’s using you 100% and you’re jumping around on the end of the string like some crazy marionette.