Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

Tbh I’m not sure there is any excuse for what he said to you, stress of dying parent or not. It’s inconceivable that a decent person could countenance making that type of comment to someone they have purported to love.

Am so sorry you have found yourself invested in a relationship with a man such as this - but am glad you are not attending the funeral. Tbh, if I were a friend of yours IRL, I’d advise just not responding to his texts for a few weeks. Let him lean on his other ‘friends’ and take some time for yourself to reset.

You sound like a lovely person who deserves more than he has offered and while your health issue may not be life threatening, it is significant and you should be able to rely on friends and family who love you to support you. He clearly isn’t worthy of that status. I hope you are able to move on - there are lots of lovely men out there who would value someone as supportive and caring as you, but you’ll only met one of them when you have thrown this one back into the sea.

But that's not a joke, it's negging. What a fragile emotionally manipulative man. That comment was meant to sting.

Apologies for all the rants here. You might all think i am mad but this has built up in me for days and Ive exploded onto my keyboard here. I never expected so many listener's

I wasnt even looking to date after divorce when we met and I cancelled dates etc but he kept trying. I then fell for him and I thought he had too

I think you are lovely and you 100% deserve much better than this awful man.

And I know it may be unreasonable but I would like him to send one message to say 'and how have you been feeling with your health issues, sorry I havent asked'

Hell no that's way too meek

Send a text saying

"Can't make funeral I'm dusting my eggs!"

😂 you’re right!
Thats the perfect response x

That comment is bad enough but he said it just after you’ve had some sort of gynae issue AND after he’d been wholly unsupportive?
What a peach.
Honestly, he sounds worse with everything you say.

I like a bit of black humour myself but that's fucking nasty.

Dear god OP - he sounds horrible. This is not the man for you.

The general gist I'm getting here is this: you've been dating this guy (W) for a year, and things have seemingly been going well. However, although he has met your family/friends, you haven't met his, and he has seemed reluctant to introduce you (even before the death of his father).

You received some difficult health news not long ago, and it sounds like he wasn't very interested or supportive, and in fact made a very disrespectful, disgusting and rude remark about getting together with one of his colleagues instead.

Lastly, since the death of his father, his communication has changed, and he now seems to be putting more emotional distance between you. This might be understandable in the circumstances, but it sounds like some of this distancing is very specific to the nature of your relationship. Not only does he not want to introduce you to family/friends, but he wants you to come to the funeral as a form of support, yet keep your distance and pretend you're not in a relationship with him? He also hasn't asked you about your own health/wellbeing, and has stopped using affectionate language.

I'm going to be honest here and say that I think he seems to want the emotional support/attention benefits of having a partner, but isn't prepared to invest in/nurture the relationship, seems disinterested in your own health/wellbeing, and is asking you to pretend to his family/friends that you are not in a relationship with him. At minimum, this is weird and unhealthy behaviour, but I would go one step further and say that actually he is being quite toxic and unfair, is an inconsistent and unequal partner, and you can do a lot better.

I particularly think this because he didn't seem to want to offer any support/love/help when you were going through a difficult time with your health, but now that he's grieving and struggling emotionally, he expects your unconditional, unquestioning support. IMO, it isn't normal to ask your partner of one year to pretend to be only a friend in front of your family/friends. Yeah, a funeral isn't the best time/place for introductions, but actually he could prepare for that. He could tell people now that he has been dating you, that you mean a lot to him, and that they will meet you at the funeral. Why would that be difficult? Unless his family/friends have a weird reason for not wanting him to be in a relationship, which I can't imagine.

At this point, I would ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? Can you imagine things recovering from here?

Thank you @neverenoughplants as considerable thought went into writing that

I was getting what I wanted in many ways

And only the past 24/48 hours have I been getting used to not being with him anymore

im happy to give space after death, happy to forgive a bad comment if a true apology came and I would have proudly stood by him as his partner at funeral. However I feel I have essentially been broken up with from afar and i feel like an inconvenience

I worry he will blame me/cause tension after this so i know people are saying just be kind but as i will see him at work in the future I would like to send a message saying:

You have pulled away a lot, which is understandable after grief. The last time we saw eachother was as partners and it would feel awkward, hurtful to see eachother at the funeral for the first time like this. It would take focus from what is important, your Dad and family. I hope it goes as well as it can and i will be thinking of you xx

Hi Tessa,

I think that’s a lovely message to send. I might add “As we are no longer in a relationship…..” so it is clear that you have broken up with him.

You sound like such a kind person, I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

I think you have given him a lot of love and support, and he hasn't behaved in a reciprocal way. It may be that he doesn't see this as breaking up, but at the same time, he is behaving as though he can stop/start the relationship (or dial it up/down) whenever it suits him. He isn't being respectful of your time or your feelings.

I've seen your update and I think your message to him sounds good. I hope he understands what he is losing and how his own behaviour has contributed to that. Sending a hug and sympathy, remember you deserve better!

I don't really see how you can go in the friend capacity. As a friend you would be expected to sit midway back not with family. As his friend you won't be able to have much interaction with him in the way a partner would and at the wake you will know nobody but him. You should have had the conversation about meeting family months ago. Go to the funeral if you wish but I think it will be incredibly uncomfortable for you. You can't be introduced to family at a funeral. I would pin him down now. I know he's going through grief now but he's had a YEAR to decide what your relationship means to him. He should know by now and you need to know where you stand longterm.

The other option is I say to him tomorrow 'I need to know what we are before I can attend or not as I wish to know where to sit/how to act. Last time I saw you was as a partner, this time would you like me to keep my distance as a friend?'

Thanks so much lovely Mumsnet for helping me see clearly so far xxx

I think this response hands him all the decision making. And it's clear that he is taking advantage of you. You need to take charge of your own situation so the other message, making clear that you are no longer in a relationship as far as you are concerned, is far better.

For what it's worth, I had a relationship with someone who, early on, went through grief. This led to a lack of commitment and confusion on his part and we broke up. But I offered him friendship in place of the relationship and, after a time of grieving, we got back together and are in a strong and lovely relationship now. But it took for me to be strong and be clear that I could only offer friendship while he was in a messy emotional place for him to come back to me after a while.

I think you need to find your self-respect and tell him that, whilst you care about him and want to support him, you can only do this a friend. And definitely don't go to the funeral!

' The other option is I say to him tomorrow 'I need to know what we are before I can attend or not as I wish to know where to sit/how to act. Last time I saw you was as a partner, this time would you like me to keep my distance as a friend?' '

NO.

That's a NO from me too. Things are too far gone for this discussion which needs to be had, just not now.

Find your self respect, tell him you are not going to the funeral either as a friend or partner and you will discuss everything when he's in a better place; now, in the middle of grieving (which can last months), is not it.

In fact, moving your whole relationship to "friend" status (as per a previous PP) would be a wise move on your part. It takes the pressure off, removes the control he has over your relationship and protects you from this ridiculous ambivalence about what you are to him but you can still enjoy each other's company. No intimacy - because if you are just a FWB to him then nothing, from his POV, will have changed!! The break might allow you to see him and the dynamic between you more clearly and decide if you can both find a way forward together but it will not work unless you are clear about your expectations and stick by them. If he doesn't like it, it is honestly for the best that you go your separate ways.

Honestly I wouldn't go to the funeral and I'd keep texts short and to the point. I would also take some time to look at yourself and consider what you want in life, from a partner and just where you see your life going. I'd then evaluate whether he has a place in it. If he doesn't then I'd make that clear. For now I'd send a text or say that you aren't able to go to the funeral and that he needs time to grieve, I wouldn't initiate contact after that. If he wants to reach out to you afterwards, he will but in that time I'd focus your energy on yourself.

OP your first message is the better of the two. It shows him you have accepted the downgrading in relationship without fuss or drama (which is much more than he deserves) But at least it tells him you won’t be going to the funeral.

Your second suggested message is showing him very clearly that you are still willing to be used by him any way he pleases, even as a friend.
I do understand that you are worried, scared even, about repercussions from him later down the line, but inviting him to treat you how he chooses, instead of how you choose to be treated, is not the way to avoid those repercussions.

For the moment he isn’t even giving you a second thought. Yet all the while, you agonise 24/7 over this situation. He sends the odd text because he does want to keep you on the back burner for when he gets back home and needs his creature comforts. For your own dignity, don’t let him back in.

You sound like such a lovely decent person OP. Always wanting to do the right thing and not cause hurt. It’s clear you could be somewhat of a people pleaser too, which in a situation like this, when he has treated you so badly, could be risky for you to be sending out the wrong signals.

I’m sorry about your serious health issues. This really is a time to put yourself first to deal with surgery and to have a trouble free recovery. Send your first message and then do a slow fade away from him as you pay attention to your own health needs. Stay strong in your resolve not to allow him to treat you badly.
Wishing you all the very best.

life does not need to be this complicated

block him and move on

Just stop communicating with him. He’s not into you for whatever reason. Move on