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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 18:08

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:01

Today was the first day I didnt get in touch and he just now texted to say sorry for not being in touch today.

I dont need apologies for not being in touch, hes going through grief

You are being far too accommodating.

EasternEcho · 19/03/2024 18:08

OP, previous posters are right. You are being played. The ex wife is a convenient excuse. In the end, it is up to you to decide how much of this you are willing to put up with. You spend almost every night together. It's been going on for a year, but he wants you to show up and pretend to be a friend. If it was me, I'd walk away with dignity.

Wouldyouguess · 19/03/2024 18:12

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 17:58

@Wouldyouguess No one else. We spend most nights together and we both work lots of hours. Unless he's been hiding someone down South but I think he would just tell me not to come instead of asking me to be there. He says hes really insecure after his exwifes treatment of him, he's seeing a counciller

@LAMPS1 Thank you for writing that. Do others think that is too harsh? I almost dont want to be vague so that when I see him at work he doesnt just think I'm unreliable, I want to show why I wont be there

But he is not too insecure to sleep with you and enjoy all the other benefits of a life together,... so I call bs.
A year is a long time to pretend to be single. He is beign very selfish. If you are happy being a secret lover/fling, then that's cool, some women are into that, but otherwise you need to show him you are worth more than this!

Wouldyouguess · 19/03/2024 18:14

Also, he will be messaging you like mental because he knows he may be about to lose convenient free sex, and that would be a shame for him, so prepare yourself for lots of excuses and more bs and more whinging so you take him back and nothing will ever change.

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/03/2024 18:20

Whatever message you give I'd make it less about you and more about his DF. I'd replace the last sentence of the suggested text from @LAMPS1 with something along the lines of:
"I won't be going to the funeral as it feels wrong to me since I didn't know the deceased."

If he pushes back, you can say that it's not in your culture to do this and remain firm on this. It would be difficult for him to argue with that.

I'd then give him lots and lots (and lots) of "space". I wouldn't be spending nights with him and would try to reframe him as just a "friend" in my head and treat him as such. If he asks for more, I'd tell him that I need some space to think! I would only reply to his messages, not start any conversations myself. I'd reply sympathetically to his messages before the funeral and stop making so much effort after that. He's telling you that you are just a friend, so I'd just be a rather distant one from now on. I'd give polite words only, no action.

daisychain01 · 19/03/2024 18:20

He's just playing manipulative power games.

You'd be unwise to continue with this relationship but you have to make your own decision.

If its like this now, in 10 years he will have left you completely broken and 10 years older. It won't get any better.

DeclineandFall · 19/03/2024 18:24

I'm sorry OP he sounds horrid and is being awful to you. I'd say no sorry you aren't going and turn his words back on him- he doesn't want you to make it awkward and being there as some sort of secret would be the most awkward thing for both of you.
I'd withdraw a bit, be busy, let him have the funeral and then dump him. He wants emotional support and sex but he won't introduce you to his friends. Fuck that. And even if he does have past divorce traumas do you really want to be with someone who treats you so badly. You deserve better. You can't fix him.

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 18:29

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/03/2024 18:20

Whatever message you give I'd make it less about you and more about his DF. I'd replace the last sentence of the suggested text from @LAMPS1 with something along the lines of:
"I won't be going to the funeral as it feels wrong to me since I didn't know the deceased."

If he pushes back, you can say that it's not in your culture to do this and remain firm on this. It would be difficult for him to argue with that.

I'd then give him lots and lots (and lots) of "space". I wouldn't be spending nights with him and would try to reframe him as just a "friend" in my head and treat him as such. If he asks for more, I'd tell him that I need some space to think! I would only reply to his messages, not start any conversations myself. I'd reply sympathetically to his messages before the funeral and stop making so much effort after that. He's telling you that you are just a friend, so I'd just be a rather distant one from now on. I'd give polite words only, no action.

That’s great advice but, for the love of God, don’t refer to his dad as “the deceased”!

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:32

Yeah I applied for leave listed as partners family funeral, if this was a friend I can't be sure work would give me the leave. Bit embarrassing to now explain to colleagues i won't be going

The funeral is Thursday so i plan to sit with this and maybe text Thursday morning. He told me they have a huge amount of people planning to attend the funeral, which is great

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 18:34

Does DB have any DC? Could ExW be at the funeral?

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:37

No children. Ex wife won't be there, she treated him badly (or so Im told)

OP posts:
Ilovetea33 · 19/03/2024 18:44

If there are lots of people coming and you'll only be there as a "friend", surely you'll hardly see each other? I can't understand why he insists you should come under these circumstances, it seems like a weird power play.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/03/2024 18:47

you have already requested the day off from work ? for a partner's bereavement - but he is not your partner, you don't live together, you are his girlfriend not his partner and it has only been a year.

and you never met his father.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:48

While I have such lovely Mumsnet ladies here, can I ask a basic question of what I should expect in grief?

12 days ago I got bad health news, which I was upset about. Since his Dad died he hasn't asked about it. A friend said I can't expect him to ask after grief, is this reasonable?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 18:53

I'm sorry, but a nicer person than him would have asked.

A very good friend lost her husband recently, yet she still asked after other people - because she is a decent person, not a self absorbed secretive twat.

BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 18:55

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:48

While I have such lovely Mumsnet ladies here, can I ask a basic question of what I should expect in grief?

12 days ago I got bad health news, which I was upset about. Since his Dad died he hasn't asked about it. A friend said I can't expect him to ask after grief, is this reasonable?

No.

biscuitsnow · 19/03/2024 18:58

12 days ago I got bad health news, which I was upset about. Since his Dad died he hasn't asked about it. A friend said I can't expect him to ask after grief, is this reasonable?

OP- I've lost both my mum and my dad. I have no birth family left. If my partner had had some worrying news, yes of course I would listen to them and support them. If you LOVE someone and care about them you would not dismiss it. I might have given them a hug and said "can we talk about it in an hour or so when I've had a chance to just collect myself" but there is no way I would have just ignored it completely or acted like it didnt matter because I'm not an arsehole. He doesnt care- why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel for this guy when he has so little feeling for you? This has been going on for an entire year, this isnt about his grief, it's about the fact he isnt treating you like a decent human being and he hasn't for the last year. I bet during that time he still wanted sex though- right?

Ilovetea33 · 19/03/2024 18:59

Well, it seems he dismissed your health concerns when you first told him, so I don't think you can expect much empathy from him. I'm sure there is somebody out there who will treat you much better.

NotAgainWilson · 19/03/2024 19:00

My father died recently, I never forgot that other people around me had needs and struggles. When my partner’s mum died, he continued to act as the adult that he was and was kind as usual with people around him. Having said that.. both our parents were old and had chronic conditions, if their deaths had been a surprise or something tragic like an accident, we may have not been so calm about it it.

I believe, however, that you don’t need to seek more proof in the past of his lack of caring, just watch how he behaves after the funeral, and remember, after such short time together you don’t have much history/brownie points together to put up with rubbish behaviour. If he becomes an arse, let him go, you really don’t owe him anything especially if he is not even asking about your health issue.

Qwerty111 · 19/03/2024 19:04

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:48

While I have such lovely Mumsnet ladies here, can I ask a basic question of what I should expect in grief?

12 days ago I got bad health news, which I was upset about. Since his Dad died he hasn't asked about it. A friend said I can't expect him to ask after grief, is this reasonable?

Nope.

When my dad died I was slightly in a fog of grief but I was still interested in my DH (boyfriend at the time). If he had had a health problem I wouldn’t have ignored it. And I wouldn’t have been cryptic to him or anyone else about whether we were in a relationship.

MassiveOvaryaction · 19/03/2024 19:07

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:48

While I have such lovely Mumsnet ladies here, can I ask a basic question of what I should expect in grief?

12 days ago I got bad health news, which I was upset about. Since his Dad died he hasn't asked about it. A friend said I can't expect him to ask after grief, is this reasonable?

Not if he genuinely cares for you no.

I wouldn't leave it until the day of the funeral to tell him you're not going. I'd do it now (or not at all and just not turn up).

Todaywasbetter · 19/03/2024 19:08

I’m sorry, but you seem very very demanding, unpleasantly so. Don’t go to the funeral-it’s not about you. It’s a bad time to be breaking up, but if you go, you’ll just be faking it which is worse. Good luck for the future.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 19:12

I'm really not trying to demanding or unpleasant and I'm surprised that has been said. I had one conversation with him about our relationship since the death about anything to do with me or us. I don't think that's demanding?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 19:12

Todaywasbetter · 19/03/2024 19:08

I’m sorry, but you seem very very demanding, unpleasantly so. Don’t go to the funeral-it’s not about you. It’s a bad time to be breaking up, but if you go, you’ll just be faking it which is worse. Good luck for the future.

Goodness! No she isn't.
Her "partner" has been awful to her.
Have you read all of the OP's updates?

Wouldyouguess · 19/03/2024 19:29

Todaywasbetter · 19/03/2024 19:08

I’m sorry, but you seem very very demanding, unpleasantly so. Don’t go to the funeral-it’s not about you. It’s a bad time to be breaking up, but if you go, you’ll just be faking it which is worse. Good luck for the future.

Hey OPs boyfriend, is that you?
He has been shit to her before and still is, and before didnt even have the excuse. He expects her to provide services to him and then pretend she is some random friend in front of other people, she needs to end this ASAP.