Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
CaterhamReconstituted · 19/03/2024 15:13

Tricky. I can see both sides here.

Attend and go along with the terms he suggested. But make it clear (not at the funeral, but some reasonable time afterwards) that you won’t be strung along and be introduced as his “friend” indefinitely.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 15:13

JosieHetty · 19/03/2024 15:10

I would go. Irrespective of what’s happened just previously, everything will become tangled in bad timing.
I would go. See how he is on the day. Make decisions after that.

I disagree. There is nothing to salvage, and I suspect the OP will be ignored and humiliated.

GasPanic · 19/03/2024 15:19

It's strange.

He has a wide circle of friends, yet doesn't want to present you to that circle as someone important to him ?

He wants to invite you to a family event. But does not want you to be considered as family ?

I don't really get the drama. If he doesn't want you to consider being part of the friends family event then don't invite you to the event.

If he had some sort of hidden motive for not wanting to introduce you to his friends and family (maybe another relationship) then surely it would be easier for him simply not to invite you to the event in the first place and claim it was family only and a small service, rather than risk problems.

In any case it seems to me he wants to strongly partition his life and keep you out of a significant section of it for motivations people can only guess.

I guess it is up to you whether or not it is worth continuing a relationship on that basis.

MassiveOvaryaction · 19/03/2024 15:24

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 15:02

So would people end it now/wait until after funeral?

Send a message saying 'I cant attend after how you treated me' or 'I cant attend until we speak more about what happened?'

Agree with @Ghostgirl77

End it now. Just send a message saying you're not attending.

The second option you put gives him ways to weasel round things and suggests you might be able to attend after all. Don't.

Yellowroseblooms · 19/03/2024 15:25

I'm sorry but I can't understand why he simply doesn't introduce you as, "This is my girlfriend, Tessa". It's been a year. Frankly, if somebody wasn't prepared to call me his girlfriend and introduce me to family and friends after a year I'd be gone. W sounds quite unpleasant and a bit odd. I understand that he is grieving but his behaviour before was not good either and you say you would have broken up then if his father hadn't gotten sick. You deserve better and I would not be attending the funeral as some faux friend while he needs "space". If somebody asks why you're attending, what would you say? Not to mention, what will they think when he later introduces you as his girlfriend when you were a distant acquaintance at the funeral.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 15:36

W: Everyone there will think we are friends. I’m not trying to be cold or insensitive. I’m honestly just trying to get through the next few days

T: Thanks for telling me. I just needed to know what we currently are, as stupid as I feel asking a question like that at a time like this.

W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

He doesn't know what you are. I don't think you need to go OP.

grapeomelette · 19/03/2024 15:40

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 15:02

So would people end it now/wait until after funeral?

Send a message saying 'I cant attend after how you treated me' or 'I cant attend until we speak more about what happened?'

Honestly? I just wouldn't reply at all. He's treating you badly OP. Don't let him destroy your self esteem. Take control.

Candleabra · 19/03/2024 15:41

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 15:06

Sorry but I won’t be coming to the funeral. I hope it goes as well as these things can. would work for me.

This is perfect. Then don’t contact him again.

BusyMummy001 · 19/03/2024 15:44

It sounds as though he would like you to be there in support of him, but doesn’t want to deflect from the ‘occasion’ by introducing you as his partner as it will be an emotional day for his family who will not be at their best and their focus is his father. I suspect his plan is to explain later on down the line that you are more than a friend and to introduce you properly to them at that later stage?

What is no doubt muddying the waters is that, perhaps, he should/could have introduced you or spoken about you earlier so that they would know who you are and what you mean to him, which would have taken some of the awkwardness out of this?

I would ask him if this is his plan, in which case you can decide whether you would feel awkward at a funeral of a man you’ve never met or can get past this to support him. That said, there really is no reason why at this stage he can’t just text him famil to say, ‘btw, I’ve asked the woman I’ve been seeing to come and support me on the day. I know this is not the ideal time to introduce her, so I’d like to do this at a later stage, but hope you understand why she will be with me and what she means to me’… or something similar.

Sarvanga38 · 19/03/2024 15:45

I absolutely wouldn't be going. I would let the dust settle and support him lightly and remotely as a friend for the time being (even if he is an arse, his father has just died).

When the dust has settled, if it seems like there is something to salvage, then meet up and discuss it, and agree that you are either all in going forward or you are out.

To be honest though, I'd leave it, given that by your own admission he is unsupportive and it is likely you would have split anyway if it weren't for his bad news.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 15:46

He did say this after our previous messages, in case it makes a difference

Now it feels really akward
Sorry, I’m just a bit overwhelmed with all I have to do at the moment, and I’m really not thinking clearly
I’m probably not giving you very good answers tonight. I’m doing my best, I promise

The conversation then moved on to funeral plans. I just don't want to be a total bitch here, as we work in a small industry (different companies, same industry)

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 15:46

Have you not read the OP's updates @BusyMummy001?

BusyMummy001 · 19/03/2024 15:50

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 15:46

Have you not read the OP's updates @BusyMummy001?

Unusually for me, no.

Having read them now, I’d say don’t go. There really is no reason OP can’t be ‘with him’ without an big announcement and just let people draw their own conclusions. Appreciate they will trip over each other professionally, but I think this relationship doesn’t seem to be at all balanced.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 15:53

I really feel you are being managed. He wants what he wants. He has been having what he wants for over a year. I got closer to my siblings etc when my DF passed. I would absolutely not hide someone important to me. We spent hours talking about times past and present.

He just doesn't want you to make a fuss. When this is all over I suspect he will want to continue as before.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/03/2024 15:59

It is quite clear:

He has told you not to take time off and go along for x time
He has said you can come to the funeral as a friend
but you will not be introduced to his friends as anything but a ' friend '

He is not therefore going to have you accompanying him as a partner, standing by his side etc.
you will be sat further back at the service, amongst strangers
you are not family, you have not met family

someone has already given you a reply to send him, use it. but I would miss out the ' sorry ' part.

of course he is messaging you lots as you are giving and giving and giving lots of support - why ?

I personally wouldn't be expecting to see him again after the funeral if I even did go.

It would have been easier if you had not drip fed bits to your post tho.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 16:02

Apologies for drip feed, I didnt feel it was relevant until I had a clearer mind today and I was nervous people were going to jump at me not wanting to go so I held back

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 19/03/2024 16:22

It's quite simple. He has been using you for over a year now. Please don't go to the funeral and cut all contact.

Thatfridayfeeling18 · 19/03/2024 16:44

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 16:02

Apologies for drip feed, I didnt feel it was relevant until I had a clearer mind today and I was nervous people were going to jump at me not wanting to go so I held back

Tessa, far from thinking people would jump on you for not wanting go, the vast majority are more concerned that after a year he's not willing to recognise your relationship & worse dismiss you to his friends as only 'a woman he is speaking to'
I'm surprised you are not extremely embarrassed knowing this, especially if you have been intimate with him. I couldn't face his friends & family knowing this was his attitude. At least your replies will give you food for thought which is what you wanted. I genuinely feel for your predicament here.

BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 17:07

Only you will truly know whether he doesn't know what you are at the moment because he is incredibly stricken with grief or whether that is a crumb for you to hold on to. You have to be honest with yourself.

LAMPS1 · 19/03/2024 17:23

Something along these lines maybe

I’m glad you have your siblings to share the work of organising the funeral
and I’m I’m glad your close friends and colleagues will be there to support you on the day.
I hope everything goes well for you.
You gave me to believe I was your partner/girlfriend but now I realise I’m not that special to you so I won’t be attending the funeral after all.
All the best,
Tessa.

Wouldyouguess · 19/03/2024 17:35

I think he wants all the benefits of a relationship, sex and your support, while giving you nothing in return- it is all about HIS needs, not yours. Sad, but Id leave now with head high. Is it possible he has been in another relationship alongside and does not want this to come out now?

Americano75 · 19/03/2024 17:37

It's all very one sided isn't it? I think you sound lovely, and you deserve a partner who cherishes you.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 17:58

@Wouldyouguess No one else. We spend most nights together and we both work lots of hours. Unless he's been hiding someone down South but I think he would just tell me not to come instead of asking me to be there. He says hes really insecure after his exwifes treatment of him, he's seeing a counciller

@LAMPS1 Thank you for writing that. Do others think that is too harsh? I almost dont want to be vague so that when I see him at work he doesnt just think I'm unreliable, I want to show why I wont be there

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 18:01

Today was the first day I didnt get in touch and he just now texted to say sorry for not being in touch today.

I dont need apologies for not being in touch, hes going through grief

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 18:05

Ah nice flexi it's his ex wife's fault he doesn't want to make your relationship public.

Then there's but I'm having counselling - yes that could buy him another few months for sure. But he's already had 12.

How ex is his wife? You originally said
Long ago. Exactly how did she traumatise him? This makes no sense. I think we all know you are being played.

No need to make it harder, just say you can't make it. Or out of respect for his family you will stay away and then end it. You can end it whenever you want to OP. I would though, this isn't going anywhere.