Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

Eh?!
OP has waited patiently and responded sympathetically as he offloads. Then offers to take time off work to travel and be there for him, which he rejects.
He on the other hand was dismissive of her health concerns, excludes her from his friends circle and demands she keep their relationshop secret. And you think OP has acted unpleasantly?!

If you are going to end your relationship with this man then make sure you mean it and do it completely because it is incredibly cruel to do that to someone after losing a parent if you are hoping it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll change and beg you to come back.

Personally, I think it is horrible to do that to someone at a time like this. There is another thread on here by a woman whose boyfriend left her while her father was dying because he couldn't support her. Weirdly, no one thought she deserved that.

That's a really good point @HollyKnight. I feel as though he has ended it by saying he doesn't know what we are at the moment but I know it sounds horrible from the outside

None of this sits very well with me. He's behaving very oddly. His divorce was long ago, but he doesn't want anyone to know about you, but yet at the same time he used the word relationship early on, so which is it? It can't be both it's either one or the other.

then upon his father's death, he basically closes down the relationship. And then doesn't want you there, and then he does. and it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. This is just utter nonsense. I'm sorry but I really think you're being taken for a mug here.

If you were in a proper relationship with him where he openly and happily acknowledged that you were his girlfriend/partner then yes, I would expect him to share your concern about your health news and to be very concerned for how you are coping and feeling ….to be putting you first as much as he can while he attends to his father’s funeral. Grief doesn’t stop a good partner or even a good friend continuing to be a good partner/good friend.

But you know he isn’t in a relationship with you OP. He has as much as told you so. His lack of concern for your health news, demonstrates and reflects how little he cares for you.

He isn’t even a good friend !

He will always put himself first. You already know he hasn’t been reliably and consistently good to you.
But he does expect you to be good to him. That’s not right. Not normal. Not fair. Not respectful. Not to be glossed over.

You are at great pains not to upset him.
He doesn’t reciprocate in any way. He doesn’t mind upsetting you. He doesn’t mind asking you to downgrade your relationship to friend status so that he doesn’t have to introduce you as his girlfriend. You need to let him know that’s not ok with you. Grief or no grief.

There is another thread on here by a woman whose boyfriend left her while her father was dying because he couldn't support her. Weirdly, no one thought she deserved that

Unless there's a back story in which the woman in that thread revealed that she'd been treating her boyfriend like shit, then the situations are not at all the same @HollyKnight .

The 'boyfriend' in this thread has behaved like a dick. Bereavement and grief are not an excuse

I also notice he has stopped saying I love you or I love you too in your messages, which was very common for us. When I said it, he would ignore that bit of the message

There is another thread on here by a woman whose boyfriend left her while her father was dying because he couldn't support her. Weirdly, no one thought she deserved that

Ummmm, did you actually read the OP's threads?- she HAS tried to support him. She's sent flowers, rung him, texted him daily etc its HIM who doesnt want to speak to her or communicate properly and is wanting her to attend the funeral separately to him and pretend she is just a friend.

OP has tried to support him in multiple ways but he's not having it.

Ultimately you need a long hard look at this relationship. It does sound odd and a bit one sided

However, he's grieving and now is not the time. So if you think this has legs, turn up to the funeral and don't make a deal about your status and just pay respects and then leave.

Then I think in a few weeks you can and should have this conversation with him. About what the relationship is to him, what your hope and Dreams are for a partner and what his are. You seem misaligned but it's clouded by the current situation

No, it's not an excuse. But it's still a shitty thing to do to someone while they're planning their father's funeral.

He's engineering you into finishing it with him! And given the circumstances he'll get double "poor me" points because he's bereaved.

Don't step into that trap! Think carefully. Stay strong and value your worth more than he does.

Plan your exit so you are in control, not him!

Don't go then. If you believe he has ended the relationship, then stop contacting him. But if you want to discuss your relationship, wait until he is in the position to discuss it. MN loves to kick a man when he's down. But in real life, people don't tend to do that. Go ask your friends and family if they think now is the right time to have this discussion with him.

@HollyKnight you know what you've found us out, we just love to kick a man when he's down. Thanks for hanging out on a women's forum to kick us when we are down. Love that

What is wrong with that? He has told her what support he needs from her. She doesn't want to support him in that way. So now everyone is telling her to dump him.

@Acornsoup What?

He’s just not that into you OP. His behaviour isn’t normal. Fine, just after his dad died you could argue his thinking was clouded but prior to that he wasn’t supportive of your health issue and you felt like breaking up with him.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to end it whilst the funeral is being planned. Give him some space to grieve. However, this status quo can’t go on indefinitely. I’d be waiting until after the funeral to see how he acted then. If he was still not introducing me to anyone, being distant and not showing any care about my issues then I’d absolutely dump him. You cannot continue dating someone who isn’t treating you well out of pity. Grief isn’t an excuse to treat people like something off the bottom of your shoe. Most of us have experienced grief and have managed not to do that, he is not the only person in the world to lose someone

I agree with you that now isn't the time for discussion. Anyway, he's already shut it down hasn't he by saying he doesn't know what their relationship is.

This isn't a situation of kicking a man while he's down! This is a situation where the OP has stepped back from difficult discussions because of his father's illness and found that instead of appreciating that and all the support she's given, he continues to treat her like she's insignificant in his life.

I don’t think you need to break up with him now (if he is even in a relationship with you). That would be kicking him when he’s down. I don’t think you’d feel good about yourself if you did that.

But I do think you should refuse to attend the funeral.

I think it would be inappropriate to attend the funeral of someone you never met, unless you were there to support a partner or close friend. That’s not what he’s asking you to do, is it?

Yes. The relationship is going nowhere. They are clearly not on the same page. My whole point is that now is not the time to break up with him. Now is not the time to make a stand. But this is what people are pushing her to do now. It is cruel and it will probably hurt the OP more because of the guilt she'll feel. Especially if people in real life react differently to MN when she tells them she broke up with the guy when he was burying his father.

It's actually him who's made it an issue now though. He's said he doesn't know 'what' they are. After spending all of his time with her for the last year. It's actually his issue not hers. She was happily playing partner and he's just dealt her a huge blow - but that's ok because his Dad died?

How long should she wait? What would you suggest?

I was originally in the go to the funeral camp.

After your updates, I've now changed my mind to don't go.

Send him a message tonight saying that you're sorry that you'll be unable to make it, but you hope all goes as well as planned for.

Personally, I'd let him keep initiating messaging for a bit. Reply when you've time, don't rush.

Let him bury his dad and when he comes back to your area, end things to his face if he wants to meet up. Give yourself the dignity of knowing you didn't kick a man when he was down. And be strong enough to not take the cowards way out of texting then blocking.

Until after the funeral.

Ah yes her secret boyfriend, who she asked support from but kept hidden and lied she’d gotten a ride from a friend when he dropped her at the hospital.
oh no he wasn’t at all, he was a legit partner and all of her friends and family knew him. Thats relevant and not the same as here.

I think that funeral is a tricky place to introduce your partner some people might be ok with this some - not. I personally wouldn’t.
If asked to attend a funeral I would treat it as a request from a friend at this stage and behave as a friend, no more, without any expectations.
However your updates show that your relationship are much more complicated then just “attending funeral as his GF or not” issue so I would follow @Globules advice of being friendly and supportive by messaging and then having a serious conversation face to face later.

Where we differ @HollyKnight is that I don't think she should go along with what he dictates just because he's lost his father.

I think she should step away by not going to the funeral. I think she should use his own words.
He used the word awkward. I think she should say that she knows how difficult a time this is for him and that she would not want to create any awkwardness at the funeral. But she would find it too difficult to be there without being able to interact naturally with him. So to avoid any awkwardness she will remain at home. She can emphasise that she knows he will have his close circle of friends to support him.

She's not dumping him she's being thoughtful...