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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2024 14:04

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:43

Some more context that may be important - we were fighting before W's Dads death and W had apologised, he had been unpleasant to me and I was upsset. One news broke of his Dad I told him it was all pushed aside and i would forget it. I feel if his Dad had not died we would have broke up, I think I maybe should have left him for what he said but the death is far more important

I pictured being there as partner and would happily stand by him at service etc but I think he wants me to stand aside. Maybe I need to send a message saying 'I am happy to push aside any past fights between us, that doesn't matter now if you would like me to be there as a partner' (??)

I dont want drama, just a simple life/relationship

Cross-posted.

"Some more context that may be important"
Yes, I agree, I think what you've added here is important. Very important.

"I feel if his Dad had not died we would have broke up, I think I maybe should have left him for what he said but the death is far more important"
Break up now.

"Maybe I need to send a message saying 'I am happy to push aside any past fights between us, that doesn't matter now if you would like me to be there as a partner' (??)"
And maybe you don't need to do any such thing. Because it DOES matter. It sounds as if your relationship was coming to a close, but now you feel you can't end it 'whilst he's going through this'. You're staying through PITY. Which is all very well, but he will manipulate your pity and use it against you. He's just going to dick you about and hurt you.

Never stay in a relationship for pity. I have a friend who stayed with her boyfriend (married him!) through pity; they were divorced within the year. Pity is not a solid foundation to build any relationship upon, and it sounds as if pity is all that there is.

And do NOT think breaking up is a terrible thing to do to him 'at a time like this'. It's perfectly fine. Who knows, he might even be relieved.

I think you are assuming he's all broken up with grief and that's why he's dicking you about. Consider the possibility that he is just drawing out the end of your relationship ("fighting", "he had been unpleasant to me", "I think I maybe should have left him for what he said") by other means, and that he's drawing it out, out of sheer spite.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:06

I didn't mention the argument because I had push it away for his sake. I would hope someone would do that for me too

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 14:08

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:58

He is sending me many messages about how hard all the admin is, the speech, picking songs and I am obviously replying with sympathies and kindness

Of course he is...

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2024 14:09

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:58

He is sending me many messages about how hard all the admin is, the speech, picking songs and I am obviously replying with sympathies and kindness

This really is a very one-way 'relationship', isn't it? He takes, you give.

HowToSaveAWife · 19/03/2024 14:12

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:06

I didn't mention the argument because I had push it away for his sake. I would hope someone would do that for me too

Stop giving him so much grace. You're giving far too much to someone who won't even call you a girlfriend.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 14:16

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:06

I didn't mention the argument because I had push it away for his sake. I would hope someone would do that for me too

It won't be him.

justasking111 · 19/03/2024 14:18

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:58

He is sending me many messages about how hard all the admin is, the speech, picking songs and I am obviously replying with sympathies and kindness

He's ashamed of you for some reason
In my case it was the age difference I think
I'm not sure what his issue is though. Are you physically unattractive, too young, unsophisticated?

In his mind there's a good reason you're on the back burner.

I'm sorry @Tessa00 but you're in his mind not someone who can enter his world

BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 14:18

"He may also now think we are now over and can't see clarity for us going forward but I would be willing to forgive."

this makes no sense

charliefair · 19/03/2024 14:21

He may also now think we are now over and can't see clarity for us going forward but I would be willing to forgive

Even after many people have pointed out he is controlling, manipulative and a complete dickhead who cares about only himself?

Why are you so desperate to hold on to him?

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:21

Sorry @BirthdayRainbow I might not be good at explaining

I just meant Im willing to communicate/get clarity and move past it if we can while he goes through this

OP posts:
ohthejoys21 · 19/03/2024 14:23

If it was not a close relative's funeral I'd say go and nobody's business who you are but his dad.. ask him if he'd rather you didn't go?

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:24

I dont see any reason to be ashamed, Ive a good job/lifestyle and have had successful dating in the past @justasking111

I think he is scared to commit. He has a lot of shame about his divorce, it was a bad seperation

OP posts:
Candleabra · 19/03/2024 14:27

I think if he still wants you to be a secret after a year then he isn’t that into you, sorry.

He’s using his bereavement as an excuse I think - just using you for emotional support at arms length. I can see why you’re confused, because on the face of it, it’s not unreasonable for someone recently bereaved to be all over the place emotionally. I would judge the situation on the fact you almost split up before this and make your decision from there. It doesn’t seem like you’re getting much from this relationship.

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 14:27

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:21

Sorry @BirthdayRainbow I might not be good at explaining

I just meant Im willing to communicate/get clarity and move past it if we can while he goes through this

I think he’s actually giving you clarity while trying to have his cake and eat it. He’s perfectly happy to keep messaging you and take all the support you’re willing to offer but it’s completely one-sided. As a pp said you give, he takes. The best way you can move past it is just to walk away and let his friends and siblings support him.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/03/2024 14:28

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:56

The fight was about his insensitivity towards stressful health news I had gotten and he said a couple really insensitive things that I felt I should end it because of but I'm happy to put it down to being a mistake

He may also now think we are now over and can't see clarity for us going forward but I would be willing to forgive

Sorry to hear that @BirthdayRainbow xxx

He sounds worse with each update you give, insensitivity towards health issues you've got? Nice. Not.

It sounds like you overlook or forgive a lot with him. It is also not your fault that he had a bad divorce/separation and he needs to work on that, rather than carrying that forward into another relationship.

LAMPS1 · 19/03/2024 14:32

So your relationship was already really struggling.

The bottom line now is …..if he can not apologise and genuinely explain himself, to your satisfaction and liking, the reasons why he has kept your relationship status hidden from his siblings and very good friends for near on a year, then you should not go to the funeral and neither should you continue with this relationship.

His father’s sickness, death and funeral are no excuses for treating you so badly.

You deserve much better than being downgraded to a friend (with benefits) when it suits him. This is totally humiliating for you OP.
So you need to have courage to put a stop to this or to end it.

Ask yourself why he is ashamed to have you stand side by side with him as a girlfriend/partner at his father’s funeral when, at the same time, he demands your support of him and his needs in private.

He is using you OP.
But it’s worse than that because he has also drawn your family and friends into his game. So he’s deceiving them too.

He has already told you that he no longer knows how he regards you and what you mean to him. He’s telling you that you don’t matter to him! He’s telling you he has no respect for you.
Listen to him then. Take in those words.

You think you need to do more, or be a better person, or understand his culture better, or pretend you mean very little to him in front of his siblings, or lie for him, in order to hang on to him and make him treat you properly like in an ordinary relationship.
You can tie yourself in knots and dance to his tune all day and night but this will never get better. You already know that. He has already shown you that.
The problem is inherent in him. Not in you.

Do not settle for a miserable life with such a man.

justasking111 · 19/03/2024 14:36

OH I wish he'd just man up and dump you in a way you can understand clearly

PoochiesPinkEars · 19/03/2024 14:37

He's a grown man.
If his relationship ends at the same time as he is going through funeral etc, that's life. It'll be a tough year and he'll come through.

If he doesn't like it he should have thought of that before he dismissed your problems and drew down on all the support you had to offer for his.

If course it's not simple as to why he should be taking this overly complicated approach to his relationship with you, but when do any of us have simple motives.
Complicated reasons don't mean you have to accept this unbalanced relationship. Its just going to drag you down in the long run.

He can get therapy then offer himself for a relationship when he's ready.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 14:40

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 14:24

I dont see any reason to be ashamed, Ive a good job/lifestyle and have had successful dating in the past @justasking111

I think he is scared to commit. He has a lot of shame about his divorce, it was a bad seperation

If he treated his ex the way he treats you I'm not surprised.

Please stop playing the "pick me" game and end it.

He is clearly telling you that you aren't important to him.

The fact that his father died is a red herring.

He. Does. Not. Care. For. You.

Sorry to be so blunt. You need to raise your bar.

Ghostgirl77 · 19/03/2024 14:40

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 13:56

The fight was about his insensitivity towards stressful health news I had gotten and he said a couple really insensitive things that I felt I should end it because of but I'm happy to put it down to being a mistake

He may also now think we are now over and can't see clarity for us going forward but I would be willing to forgive

Sorry to hear that @BirthdayRainbow xxx

It wasn’t a mistake. He is showing you who he really is. He doesn’t have sympathy for you. He wants all the emotional support he can get from you prior to the funeral but doesn’t care about you enough to introduce you to his friends as his partner.

Honestly, I would run for the hills.

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 15:02

So would people end it now/wait until after funeral?

Send a message saying 'I cant attend after how you treated me' or 'I cant attend until we speak more about what happened?'

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 15:06

Sorry but I won’t be coming to the funeral. I hope it goes as well as these things can. would work for me.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 15:08

To be quite honest I don't think he would be bothered if you dumped him.

Blossomed answer is good.

Then DON'T contact him again.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 15:09

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 15:02

So would people end it now/wait until after funeral?

Send a message saying 'I cant attend after how you treated me' or 'I cant attend until we speak more about what happened?'

I'm not sure there is much for you to 'end'

Perhaps just tell him you won't be going and leave it at that.

JosieHetty · 19/03/2024 15:10

I would go. Irrespective of what’s happened just previously, everything will become tangled in bad timing.
I would go. See how he is on the day. Make decisions after that.

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