Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

I also wonder if their overt disregard of your expressed wishes regarding tea is a deliberate attempt to challenge your rule? If you speak to them, you may find that they think it’s ridiculous - as many PP on here have also stated. Only you can decide whether having your way is worth it. As part of the ‘village’ raising your daughter, they may even think their opinion is relevant, which judging by some PPs, is an abhorrent idea. It’s not always a bad thing to have our parenting choices challenged…

It's never about the tea. They probably view you as an over-precious neurotic parent. But on the more serious side, they don't respect you as a parent. But I imagine you're using them for childcare. So suck it up, or work it out. They sound like nightmare controlling grandparents. And you sound like a nightmare controlling daughter-in-law.

I think maybe someone is just a little bit precious and highly strung? It's tea, not crack fgs. If the OP has no other issues with when the child is in their care she should let it go. If she continues to be difficult the grandparents may well not want to have their granddaughter, for fear of what petty complaint the mother is going to make next

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes…

It doesn’t matter if it’s free childcare or a favour, DC is your child and your wishes should be respected!!
your wishes that DC doesn’t have caffeine or sugar should be respected whether they agree or not. I’d take a litter jar with decaf tea bags in and ask that they please make her drink with that.. or maybe a compromise of something nicer like Ovaltine (If that’s healthy?)

It’s a divided opinion, this level of banality isn’t worthy of reacting as if anyone is “walking all over” anyone in mine.

Parents don’t ‘own’ their DC and some of the rhetoric on here worries me more than DGP dipping a used tea bag in and taking it out again.

An alternative to suggest could be 'silver tea' (I think this might be a Swedish thing, as my family is Swedish) - hot water with a splash of milk, i.e. a cup of tea without the tea! Whether that will appeal now that she has actually had tea, I don't know...

YABU re the weak milky tea; my son loves it as it is what I drink. But YANBU for being annoyed over your in-laws ignoring your requests.

@Blueink

Ok but how is her reaction over the top? Because that's what I was responding to. Asking them three times politely is what I'd call under-reacting.

It's not about the tea. I don't think caffeine is a big deal and would give my own children tea happily. But the trust is broken. The respect is gone.

And the best part of the whole thing is;

Continue to allow child to go -
Oh look, you're still using grandparents as babysitters you cheeky cow

Stops child from going-
Now you're going NC, selfish cow. You dont own the children!

Tells grandparents there's an issue-
How dare you, be grateful! Some people don't have any GC, you meanie. How dare you, controlling cow

Doesn't tell grandparents-
How do you expect them to know? Don't you know how to communicate, no is a complete sentence.

I used to have it in a sippy cup! I think milky tea is fine if she enjoys it.

Hot chocolate and chocolate has caffeine in and I'm presuming you're not restricting those.

My cousin was given milky tea as a toddler, in a bottle ffs, and now he is a heroin addict! Though he tells us that he is no longer on the brown, and only on crack, so you are definitely not over reacting! It is clearly a gateway drug. I wonder if there have been any studies on this?

Get a grip.

What a start to life. The poor kid never stood a chance.

I consider I’ve answered - by saying I don’t agree it’s a big deal and suggesting OP respond in a practical way by supplying the decaf tea as offered.

I wrote a longer post in between about DGP which might (or might not) help explain where I’m coming from.

OP made clear she isn’t using DGP for babysitting and already limits contact to some extent.

@MsPloddingBottom it's a weird thing isn't it.

I wonder if it's because we are moving away from family childcare altogether and nursery is now so commonplace that any family looking after the child is seen in a strange way like totally gold dust kiss the ground...

Shame about said relative but seriously! A fucking connection with tea! What bullocks !

Does the grandparents like the op I wonder. Their son picked her and they have to deal with her attitude. The op does sound miserable.

This has got to be sarcasm, they're taking the piss or at least I hope they are!

I used to have milky tea as a toddler but no sugar however this was the late 80s and I still love a cup of tea. To be honest I doubt it will do any real harm she's nearly 2.

But your parents/in laws are out of line for continuing to give your DD tea when you've asked them not to, they aren't her parents and should be following your wishes whether they agree or not. If it were me I would stop them looking after my child alone because if they push the small things its only a matter of time before they start pushing the bigger boundaries.

Nip it in the bud now OP there's so many threads on here where posters have had grandparents trample boundaries when it comes to the grandchildren and it often causes relationships to be damaged beyond repair because boundaries weren't put down from day one, you don't need to be confrontational just a calm but firm response of no and if they ignore no more unsupervised access.

And no more free childcare. A cup of tea is not something to pick a battle over

Well it is if the OP sees fit. But as you say, no more free childcare in that case. The GPs don't sound like they're going to stop giving the tea, so it seems to be a case of either or here.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Like a previous poster said they are ignoring your wishes which I just think is really odd. Babies and toddlers don’t need caffeine even in small quantities surely that’s for sleep deprived parents 🤣🤣🤣

Did you miss the post where the OP said they don't need the free childcare and the grandparents ask to do it? Just because they're providing something for free that doesn't give them the right to interfere in decisions made regarding that child, and that really isn't a kind act on the GP behalf its basically an offer with strings attached i.e. we provide care means we get a say.

Also it isn't about a battle over a cup of tea its about the fact the grandparents have been asked not to give it three times and they've ignored it and done it anyway. That's disrespectful and stepping over the boundaries and as the op has stated they're not just pushing boundaries over the tea its other things too. This will get worse unless the op puts the boundaries down repeatedly.

I read that post as a piss take, bit of sarcasm - hope I'm right 😁
Otherwise WTF 😁

I too hope you’re right but judging by this thread you could well be wrong!!

One of the best posts here.