Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

648 replies

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 21:19

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 20/03/2024 08:56

Tea is fine, it has very little caffeine in it, and I suspect the decaf bags have more harmful chemicals in them.

But it's a bit unnecessary for grandparents to go against parents' wishes (unless you are fussy about everything else as well and milky tea is about the only thing they can find to give the toddler).

My mum was cross with my dad when he put sugar in my tea. To this day I dislike it without, although I drink coffee without sugar.

starfishmummy · 20/03/2024 08:57

Well your child your rules, but if you want them to look after your child there has to be some leeway, so pick your battles. It's probably mostly milk and water anyway. Just give them some decaff bags.

I'm from a generation of kids where sharing the family pot of tea was "normal" and decaff wasn't a thing.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 20/03/2024 08:58

CactusMactus · 20/03/2024 08:33

I would not be ok with my child being given tea at any age tbh. There is just no need! Ask for them to give her warm milk instead.

Including at my age? Grin

When does it become acceptable, in your view?

Warm milk is vile.

MumHereAgain2023 · 20/03/2024 08:59

Aww 🥰 that's lovely. Get over it or don't take her there.

notacooldad · 20/03/2024 09:00

My nan used to 'break the rules' but looking back it was on things that weren't really that important. We had milky coffee and jam butties which mum (It's always mum that has these rules, not often dad!!) It was our little treat and little bit of naughtiness and I loved it.

However the important stuff my nan did as mum requested or expected eg manners, bed time, no pudding until you ate your dinner, how we dressed going out etc.
How many rules do you have that you expect the gp to follow. Are you trying to have a carbon copy of your daily living?

My advice would be don't sweat the small stuff. Milky tea at nan and grandad's is the small stuff to me and care about the bigger things, eg day to day safety.

notacooldad · 20/03/2024 09:03

I would not be ok with my child being given tea at any age tbh. There is just no need! Ask for them to give her warm milk instead.

Including at my age?

She's right, tea at any age is unacceptable- unless it is with a big slice of lemon drizzle cake or at a push, a nice moist Victoria sandwich! :)

VanGoghsDog · 20/03/2024 09:04

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/03/2024 21:37

We don't give her any caffeine at all

you know there’s caffeine in calpol? And chocolate?

There isn't caffeine in Calpol.

Lenor · 20/03/2024 09:04

I’m shocked at how many people are saying it’s fine- since when is it fine for a caregiver to deliberately go against the request of the parents, when there is an easily accessible and perfectly good substitute available?

I personally couldn’t get my knickers in a twist over my child having a very weak tea every now and again… but that isn’t the point! The point is that you’ve specifically asked them not to.

Mumwithbaggage · 20/03/2024 09:06

I've got to the age of 60 and had four children without ever hearing of the idea of "milky tea"!

Nannyfannybanny · 20/03/2024 09:09

notacooldad, I love that! I have to admit Im the granny and the opposite! At home they get "full fat" coke, and mine it's sugar free stuff, and strictly limited.. By and large I go by "your kids your rules". They do go to bed later at mine, but don't tell their mum 🤫.

TonTonMacoute · 20/03/2024 09:11

The tea is not going to harm your DC, and there's no way it could be affecting her sleep I shouldn't think.

However, I would be annoyed that they keep on doing something that you have repeatedly asked them not to do.

Sausage1989 · 20/03/2024 09:13

Proper OTT. Toddlers love milky tea and that teeennnnyyyyy tiny bit of caffeine will do absolutely F.A

She probably doesn't sleep as well because she's so excited after seeing gran and grandad.

ComfyBoobs · 20/03/2024 09:13

Honestly you sound like a massive control freak.

This is a set of grandparents who love their granddaughter and have a little harmless ritual with her which they all enjoy.

And you want to stomp all over it.

Give your head a wobble.

Differentstarts · 20/03/2024 09:15

Lenor · 20/03/2024 09:04

I’m shocked at how many people are saying it’s fine- since when is it fine for a caregiver to deliberately go against the request of the parents, when there is an easily accessible and perfectly good substitute available?

I personally couldn’t get my knickers in a twist over my child having a very weak tea every now and again… but that isn’t the point! The point is that you’ve specifically asked them not to.

If you want free childcare you can't dictate to adults what they do in their own home. A grandparents job is to spoil grandkids not to be another parent.

Sausage1989 · 20/03/2024 09:16

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 23:04

@Rollonsummer1 they're having her for a few hours once a week/fortnight. They pick her up from day care occasionally or have her for a few hours in the day when we have appointments.

It's not a regular thing as they kept ignoring our requests when she was small (e.g. around nap/feeding times, giving her semi-skimmed milk and letting her cry herself to sleep). She used to go longer and more regularly.

They often give her cake too, despite us asking them not to give it to her. We've found a compromise on that and they do now give her smaller portions, but MIL still tries to feed her more in front of us (even when we were walking out the door on one occasion!).

I sometimes wonder if I'm just not strong enough in telling them no and they think we're not being serious. It's almost like it's a big joke to them. I really don't think there's malice behind it, I think they just think they know best and don't respect our decisions.

I'd rather her only have warm milk or water (which is what we've asked them to give her in the past), but since they refuse to do that I feel the decaf tea bags is a good compromise.

I feel so sorry for kids these days growing up and their parents making out that having cake and choc choc with their grandparents is a negative, terrible thing. My grandparents giving me no end of treats (I spent every single day with them and I am fine) is the highlight of my childhood. They're still the people I loved the most and I miss them everyday.

Daisyblue77 · 20/03/2024 09:17

You are not over reacting. You have asked them not to. They should not. Im a grandparent and would not go against parents wishes. None of my children had tea, and 2 of them dont drink hot drinks now a adults. Im shocked at all the replies saying you are over reacting,

bringthecactusin · 20/03/2024 09:18

I was weened at however old with ginger biscuits dunked into tea to make them soggy. She'll be reet.

Thomasina79 · 20/03/2024 09:21

I think you are over reacting. Be grateful they are looking after her. I wish I saw my grandchildren more often and I stick to the parents rules completely. I think some young parents don’t know how lucky they are! Yes, take some de caff round is the answer

purplehair1 · 20/03/2024 09:23

Just …why? Why would they do that?

Goldx2 · 20/03/2024 09:24

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 21:19

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

I would be very annoyed. It doesn’t matter if it’s doing her any harm or not. You as her parents, have asked them not to give it to her. There is absolutely no need for her to have tea at that age

Toomuch44 · 20/03/2024 09:56

Obviously you can ask them not to give her tea, but if they're still doing it and you're not happy, then don't leave her with them.

Sceptical123 · 20/03/2024 10:00

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 21:19

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

You’re very right to be annoyed if you have asked them not to do this and they have done it anyway. That’s showing such disrespect to you as parents, whether or not they agree with it. Weak it may be but that’s not the point, so I can see your annoyance especially if you don’t take caffeine at home.

However, if you haven’t spoken to them about this then you shouldn’t expect them to be mind readers and can’t be angry with them for not adhering to rules they know nothing about.

Mamaaaaa1989 · 20/03/2024 10:05

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/03/2024 21:37

We don't give her any caffeine at all

you know there’s caffeine in calpol? And chocolate?

Why are you assuming the op gives her child Calpol and chocolate?

Sausage1989 · 20/03/2024 10:07

Vanessasbag · 19/03/2024 14:19

It's fine! What on earth do you think a weak cup of tea is going to do to a child?!

Show quote history

I know. Its pathetic, isn't it. I really feel for kids these days and their OTT parents.

VisionEuro · 20/03/2024 10:10

@MrsTrue i don’t know why you are having a hard time from people. The whole “I did this with my kid and it was fine” brigade don’t get it’s the breaking your rules . You could say you don’t want her to have bananas and they should stick to it. There is no reason to give her caffeine.