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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

648 replies

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 21:19

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

OP posts:
Bennettsister · 20/03/2024 06:44

Overreaction! My toddler loved milky tea. He’s gone off it now he’s older!

ButterBastardBeans · 20/03/2024 06:45

The oxalate load in a child of that age is potentially dangerous.

Mh67 · 20/03/2024 06:47

I wish someone had did that with my kids. I had no idea how to introduce hot liquid to my kids so I didn't bother. I now have an adult who doesn't drink anything hot. It's really hard in winter when a hot drink is needed

Seelybee · 20/03/2024 06:57

This. If you are happy to leave your child with grandparents and they are happy to have them, be grateful. There’s nothing worse as a grandparent than having petty rules dictated to exactly mirror all parental preferences, takes all the pleasure away. Obviously anything actually harmful would be a different matter but presumably you wouldn’t be leaving the child anyway if that was the case. Bottom line - If you want everything your way you need to do all the childcare.

CaramelMac · 20/03/2024 06:58

You’ve asked them not to and they keep doing it, so yes I would be annoyed, they could’ve just given her a drink of milk in the same cup. My MIL does the same with sweets (in excessive amounts) which is why we don’t leave her alone with the children.

BlueFlint · 20/03/2024 07:00

I'd be annoyed too OP. It's not about the tea, it's the repeatedly ignoring your request and undermining you. Will they do the same with bigger stuff?

Packingcubesqueen · 20/03/2024 07:03

Grandparents should have rolled their eyes and respected your wishes. It doesn’t matter if they agree with your decision or not.

glittereyelash · 20/03/2024 07:10

I have found that most grandparents I know will sneak treats to their grandchildren when given a set of rules around food. We never have applied any rules and so grandparents are completely honest about what our child has eaten. It's infrequent and both our child and grandparents really enjoy their time together. My son actually eats a full roast dinner for his grandparents which he won't eat anywhere else. Is it ideal that he then had a bowl of icecream for breakfast or half an Easter egg No! But my son knows this wouldn't happen at home so it's a novelty for him!

Bythefireside · 20/03/2024 07:13

WaitingfortheTardis · 18/03/2024 21:22

I did this for dd, the tea bag barely touches the water, it just means they can enjoy being part of cup of tea time.

They can do that with a cup of milk tea is totally unnecessary. Would you give them a glass of wine do they could join in….

Strictlymad · 20/03/2024 07:14

The actual milky tea isn’t the big issue (though I wouldn’t want my kids given it either), but you say they often disobey your boundaries re cake etc and that is a huge no no. I would have a bit sit down chat making it very clear they respect your boundaries or they don’t have childcare without you present. Simple as, their choice

Paulafernalia · 20/03/2024 07:15

I don’t think we need to determine whether that milky tea had a lot of caffeine or little or none. You set a reasonable and easy to follow boundary and it should be respected. It’s about trust.

Whateveryouwant1 · 20/03/2024 07:18

We used to do a cup of tea for our children to join in with hot drinks. Their 'tea' was hot water and milk. You don't actually need to put tea in it at all.

Hoglet70 · 20/03/2024 07:20

Its the fact you have asked them not to do it and they are ignoring you that would upset me rather than the caffeine intake.

Thatfridayfeeling18 · 20/03/2024 07:23

Although I understand parents who say my child my rules, imo the 'rules' are questionable when in the care of people who have successfully raised children to adulthood, especially concerning grandparents. If a child has major problems seriously detrimental to wellbeing then go ahead and advise. If there is really no harm done, eg when they nap, what they eat etc then just be grateful for the help and stop acting like your the only one in the world that can 'properly' care for a child. If the idea of grandparents doing their own thing for a few hours is upsetting just dont ask them to help. Most importantly the vast majority of grandparents like it or not care as much about the child of their child as they do about their own & its usually reciprocated. It's only when people become grandparents this feeling can be completely understood.

SpringSprungALeak · 20/03/2024 07:32

NamelessNancy · 19/03/2024 16:25

Many posters seem to be so horrified by a teeny bit of caffeine they'd rather use teabags treated with solvents!

Show quote history

@NamelessNancy

yeah, people seem to think decaffeinated is 'the norm ' & caffeine is added!

theyll be giving them more caffeine in other ways than in Granny's milky 'tea'

hangingonfordearlife1 · 20/03/2024 07:38

total over reaction and wrapping her up in cotton wool. kids lol over the world are given tea from an early age. there is less caffeine than in chocolate or calpol.

Tiredalwaystired · 20/03/2024 07:39

We did this with my kid around the same age. We literally showed the tea bag to a cup of hot water with milk - barely a dunk. Child was very happy to join in with the tea drinking.

Thefaceofboe · 20/03/2024 08:08

What’s the point? Surely just give warm milk

ChedderGorgeous · 20/03/2024 08:12

Could you offset with a teay milk when it happens ?

Bunnyannesummers · 20/03/2024 08:23

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 23:04

@Rollonsummer1 they're having her for a few hours once a week/fortnight. They pick her up from day care occasionally or have her for a few hours in the day when we have appointments.

It's not a regular thing as they kept ignoring our requests when she was small (e.g. around nap/feeding times, giving her semi-skimmed milk and letting her cry herself to sleep). She used to go longer and more regularly.

They often give her cake too, despite us asking them not to give it to her. We've found a compromise on that and they do now give her smaller portions, but MIL still tries to feed her more in front of us (even when we were walking out the door on one occasion!).

I sometimes wonder if I'm just not strong enough in telling them no and they think we're not being serious. It's almost like it's a big joke to them. I really don't think there's malice behind it, I think they just think they know best and don't respect our decisions.

I'd rather her only have warm milk or water (which is what we've asked them to give her in the past), but since they refuse to do that I feel the decaf tea bags is a good compromise.

Why’ve you come on to ask if you’re unreasonable if you clearly think you aren’t

as a PP said, give over. A cuppa isn’t the end of the world

CactusMactus · 20/03/2024 08:33

I would not be ok with my child being given tea at any age tbh. There is just no need! Ask for them to give her warm milk instead.

Differentstarts · 20/03/2024 08:46

Yabu me and my kids grew up on bottles of tea its part of being British its not like they've given her a double espresso

dutchmummy1 · 20/03/2024 08:49

To me it's not about the tea, it's about them ignoring your rules/requests. I would not be happy at all either! I don't understand why she should have tea either. My LO (similar age) has a 'coffee' with me, which is just an espresso cup filled with water. He feels included and loves it!

Myotheripodisayoto · 20/03/2024 08:49

Better a cup of milky weak tea than squash/juice.

I had a friend who was dead against her parents doing this. Meanwhile she was constantly feeding her toddler "healthy" processed snacks, all these baby crisps, bars packed with concentrated fruit syrups (eg SUGAR), squash full of sweeteners.

Myotheripodisayoto · 20/03/2024 08:51

Hint. People ignore your rules and requests when you are trying to have too many of them.

You are trying to control every element of their interaction with your DC. Relax a bit.