19 year old coming in all hours AIBU

[Crazylou1981]

Hi,

i have a 23 and 19 year old who live at home with my partner and his children 12 &14.
my 23 year doesn’t really go out more of a gamer which results in needing him to be asked to be quiet. He is meant to be off at midnight. I have hammered down on this recently

my other child is refusing to come home at 11 in the week as he needs to be out with his friends. This can be any time between midnight and 4am. They are not always the quietest either by banging doors or cooking. He lives 50/50 between me and their dad. The lateness has worsened since passing their test and dad buying a car. Dad and I are no contact due to Domestic abuse.

Aibu to ask for him to be home at 11pm Sunday-Thursday.

regards,

crazy

I find this attitude terrifying. You basically think that somebody is an omnipotent ruler in their own house and can do anything they like to those who live there?

Because that's what you are saying.

Exactly!

No of course you can't tell a 19 year what time they can come home but you can tell them to be quiet.

Would you have a lodger making noise gaming, gone midnight, or coming in at 4am making noise? Of course not, you'd ask them to keep the noise down, and if they didn't then tell them to find alternative accommodation.

I don't think she's being a dick

I think her sons are

We have house rules and everyone needs to respect them regardless of age.
Be considerate to others pretty much covers it. If you know members of the household are asleep you don't crash around at 4am waking them up.
Equally, if you're gaming into the night you wear headphones.
I listen to the radio when I go to bed. I use my headphones so I don't disturb my son.
I wouldn't impose a curfew on an adult, but if they couldn't keep the noise down them I'd ask them to find somewhere else to live.
I also remind my sons that we have neighbours who don't want to hear their music. That's not me imposing rigid rules, it's just respectful.

My eyes are rolling so much at this that they’re just about disappearing into the back of my head.

I do think her sons are behaving badly, and their behaviour needs to change. They need to be quieter in their gaming and coming home. And OP has a responsibility to herself and others in the house to moderate the sons behaviour for everyone to live harmoniously.

But her responding by imposing curfews is wrong, as is all this "your house, your rules" stuff as if that stupid little phrase just wins the debate and means that whatever you impose is righteous because you own the house, like its a power to wield and can never be judged.

Why can't she explain how its affecting the others in the house and insist that they keep the noise down, and if they cant abide by that they must look for a different home?

Why? Do you not have a counter?

It's an attitude traditionally used by men to dominate and abuse women. They own the house so believe they can subjugate everyone in it. Also people can use it to abuse spouses, children, vulnerable elders - anyone dependant on them.

I'm not ashamed of finding this kind of attitude appalling, whoever expresses it. I don't care if it makes you do a comedic eye roll!

At their age it probably won't work to set the rules you want them to follow. What WILL work is for you to tell them they need to move out on their own now, especially since they don't have the decency to be quiet in the wee hours of the morning.

No, I don't think that. I just don't think it's unreasonable for OP to enforce some basic boundaries onto all those who live in the household. Yknow, like basic respect and courtesy. I don't think that's too much to ask really.

Not unreasonable to ask him to not wake everyone up but you can't give a curfew.

You cant tell him when to come in as he is an adult, but you can tell him he needs to be more respectful of the others that live in the house and come in and be quiet.

They are not children they are adults of course you can’t set curfews. You can ask them to respect others in the house by being quiet when the household is asleep but you can’t control their movements.

Agree! Hate people saying mummy and daddy, my son is extremely independent and considerate, works full time but goes in his pc at night

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect members of your household to be quiet after midnight but you can't impose a curfew on a 19 year old or tell a 23 year old when they have to stop playing games!

Thank you all. I am going to close the message. Some really valid points made.

i have spoken to them both endlessly. This has truly been a last resort. I always try to be solution focused rather than oppressive.
we have head phones for pc user. It’s his own talking that is an issue.

Although gaming is not my choice in life this is my son’s down time and his choice. As a parent we cannot always agree with our children’s life’s choices.

My 19yo comes in at all hours when he is off work - the only thing we ask is that he is respects the fact we may have to be up for work. If he’s gaming we just ask him to be quieter after 12 and he generally is.

You can’t tell a 23yo to stop gaming at midnight or tell a 19yo to be in by 11! that’s unrealistic and unreasonable!

You can set conditions on it though. Mine can do whatever they want at night as long as they are quiet. If they insisted on gaming at that time, it would have to be in their rooms and I don't want to hear it.

We only have rules around things that impact me significantly. We have quiet hours where the household basically shuts down. They can do whatever quietly in their room. No-one who isn't capable of not waking me up when they go out comes back in during quiet hours. They can't have anyone stay over the night unless they check with me first and I'm okay with it. I think it's fair to be comfortable with who is under my roof while I'm sleeping and I want some privacy. We all get on well and they enjoy living at home, so they can't find it too awful.

If you want full adult rights you need to take on full adult responsibilities, otherwise you are living in someone else's home they are paying for and have a right to make rules for.

If they don’t like the rules of the house, then they can move out. It’s lovely for them
that they can roll out of bed whenever they like but life isn’t like for most people. So they need to be respectful of other people’s sleep

Ask yourself what you were doing at 19? Stopping in at weekends. Bed by 9 perhaps?
set some ground rules. They let u know if they will be stopping out all nightand quiet when they come home.

kids don't go out till around 11pm now and stop out till 4-5.

Aibu to ask for him to be home at 11pm Sunday-Thursday.

Yanbu to ask similar to how you have asked 23yo to stop his gaming at midnight. It is about being considerate to you and school age siblings who need their sleep. The 23yo and 19yo could always get their own crash pad if they don’t like being a teeny tiny bit considerate to their family in return for a free home to live in.

Oh you are one of THOSE parents who want young adults to be old enough to contribute financially but also young enough so they can be told what to do. An adult when it suits and a child when it suits.

They should not be making a noise when they come in and waking everyone up. But telling them what time to come home not acceptable

In my long and bitter experience, even when a young adult attempts to come in quietly at 2am or whatever, they make enough noise to disturb the already insufficient sleep of a menopausal woman. And when you've got work in the morning, and younger siblings in the house, it feels like torture. It's all very well telling Op she can't tell her kids what to do because they're adults now, but they're making her life really difficult and it can't be allowed to continue indefinitely. Personally, I'd be telling the 19 year old to go and stay with his dad for a while, since his attitude stinks and you're fighting a losing battle without his father's support. And tell the 23 year old he needs to be quiet during the night, because you can't work and pay the bills on no sleep. Look for solutions-soundproofing or a different bedroom -but if he can't shut up he needs to move out.