19 year old coming in all hours AIBU

[Crazylou1981]

Hi,

i have a 23 and 19 year old who live at home with my partner and his children 12 &14.
my 23 year doesn’t really go out more of a gamer which results in needing him to be asked to be quiet. He is meant to be off at midnight. I have hammered down on this recently

my other child is refusing to come home at 11 in the week as he needs to be out with his friends. This can be any time between midnight and 4am. They are not always the quietest either by banging doors or cooking. He lives 50/50 between me and their dad. The lateness has worsened since passing their test and dad buying a car. Dad and I are no contact due to Domestic abuse.

Aibu to ask for him to be home at 11pm Sunday-Thursday.

regards,

crazy

I think that's fair enough of you. It's all about consideration for others in the family and the neighbouring houses if they are keeping irregular hours.

Quite how you enforce it I don't know but this is fundamentally about not crashing in/shouting in the middle of the night and waking others up.... being considerate of others needs.
I don't understand why you're being given such a hard time.

@VickyEadieofThigh if it was happening a lot and I'd asked and was deliberately ignored, so no respect or consideration there. I would (individually) have a conversation about how to go forward, does dc want to move out maybe to a house share so they can have the luxury of being noisy any hour of the day.

I wouldn't have restrictions and curfews on grown adults. Op is managing them like children and they are responding like children.

People saying that they’re adults and you can’t tell them what to do….they’re living under your roof so must live by your rules. If they don’t like it they’re grown enough to move out.

That doesn't make her rules reasonable though. Its not reasonable to be unreasonable because its your house.

I beg to differ. Adults have the choice to stay in the home or leave and live somewhere where they make the rules.

she has other young children in the house and her and her partner I assume have jobs they need to also be up for. Who in that situation would want doors opening and closing and people causing disturbances at all hours of the night?

I don't deny OP needs to address the problem, as per my earlier post. Her first action needs to be to tell them that their behaviour and lack of consideration is causing other people in the household a problem, and that DS1 needs to do his gaming quietly and DS2 needs to come in quietly without stinking up the house so that they don't ruin everyone else's sleep. If they can't manage that then the next discussion with them is about finding alternative living arrangements.

But making rules for rules sake for grown adults is unreasonable. Just because your name is on the deeds it doesn't make any rules and diktats reasonable automatically. And they are adults and curfews etc. are an awful way of dealing with grown adults.

Door is locked at whatever time the OP wants - 11 on a weekday is fine

Quiet at the same time

No cooking when they come in - they can eat cereal

Or they can move out

Unless they're paying rent and bills the homeowners get to say

Lodgers wouldn't get away with it - there are house rules

Key point here is it's her house. Yes they are adults so they are of age if they don't like the rules then they move out and live in their own house and make their own rules

So by your logic OP could state that if they don't wash up their teaspoons they must walk the cinder path barefooted. Its her house?

If they don't like it, they can move out? Doesn't mean OP is forced to be a dick even if she's within her rights.

Exactly. It's easy to say 'they're adults' until you've had nights in a row of sleep deprivation.

Do OPs kids have jobs? Do they pay rent?. I don't know but I wouldn't be happy for 19 year old coming in late every night of the week..I mean what is the need? What are they actually doing? Out on a weekend is understandable this isn't!

Thank you all. Some food for thought.

-my 19 year old will not pay rent and advised me on one occasion to get bailiffs if I feel passionate. They have the luxury of residing with their dad 50/50. Who pays for their mobile, car, insurance and helps with fuel. So they can just work part time. This situation is very frustrating. My ex was abusive and actually alienated one child from already. He can afford to pay them whatever they want and does. As a result I had a mental breakdown.

-my elder child pays rent without fail. Apart from the noise is actually really easy going. Lives with me full time.

both have jobs but both seem to be able to roll out of bed at any time. Wish I could.

there has been assumptions made but partner owns part of the house we live in.

i have agreed to Friday and Saturday as I expect this. But weekdays are for everyone.
It is purely a noise issue. When my 19 year old is home with me I cannot sleep due to worrying about them being out and the noise.

the whole saga with the 19 has many layers. I would never lock either out as I worry about their safety.

If you want people to behave like adults you have to treat them as such.

Imposing gaming limits/ curfews on 23 & 19 year olds is ridiculous and all you are doing is treating them like kids, and so they behave like kids when you ask them to be respectful when coming home late.

Sit down with them, outline what you expect from them and if they can't abide by that, then they need to find somewhere else to live.

I dont think you are being unreasonable.

I had to move back home with my mum at 25 with my DS after fleeing a DV situation. I was told door gets locked and everyone in their rooms by 11pm and they would expect me to follow the same.

My younger sister is 19 and still lives at home. She has a key etc. She has been told during the week to be home for 11pm also. Its obviously later at weekends if she is out.

If my DS was still living at home, I would probably enforce similar, especially during the week days as its respect for the others in the house going to work/school.

Your house, your rules. If your adult son doesn't want to follow them, he can find, and pay for, other accommodation.

You can tell them to be quiet and tell the gamer to use headphones, but trying to impose a curfew is ridiculous.
At 19 I was out pubbing and clubbing until the early hours with my friends / boyfriends, as were mine at that age.
They're at liberty to live elsewhere if they can't be quiet.

If anyone has gone NC with their parents because they couldn't come home every night at 4am, they must be the most entitled pricks on the planet.

Good luck with a houseshare too. Other housemates, even 19 year olds, don't put up with shit like that especially if they've got work the next day.

That simple platitude doesn't explore whether her rules are reasonable or not. What about the cat-o-nine tails for failing to replace the toilet roll?

@kcchiefette I'm sorry you went through DV, but your experience doesn't make OPs approach right. I was smacked, why shouldn't todays kids etc? Its not a good argument

If your children have alternative places to live and you applying your rules will simply result in them moving out and living with their dad you have a lot less power.

The people saying my house my rules - yes this works but it mostly only works because the teens/young adults do not really want to move out.

Where children can play parents against each other then playing the my house my rules card just means they go to live with the other parent which OP has said she doesn't want.

You certainly can't/shouldn't impose a curfew on adult children and I'm gobsmacked you control the internet for the 23 year old ,tell him to quieten down.
Treating them like children is unfair they're young adults

A 23 year old who still lives at home and has to have his mum tell him to stop playing on his computer at midnight?

Jesus, this generation is fucked.

It is a case of sensible compromise.

I think you could move the curfew 30 mins later to allow the 19 year old to stay in the pub until 11pm, but I don’t think a curfew is unreasonable. They need to be quiet as a mouse when they get in, though. Waking others up or keeping them awake is unacceptable and, I would say, if they are out that late, the kitchen is out of bounds. There is zero need to be cooking in the middle of the night.

Also, they shouldn’t be out every night if they are living as part of a family. If they want to be lodgers, you can decide whether you want them at all and, if you do, they follow detailed house rules. They should also be doing some cooking and cleaning for the whole family if they are living for free and not studying.

If they keep you up, I would make damn sure anyone up early makes sure they are woken (childish, I know, but sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander).

Homes have to work for everyone, not revolve around needy nocturnal teens.

YABVU to tell an adult what time to come home

YANBU to tell adult to be respectful of others in the house - be quiet etc.