19 year old coming in all hours AIBU

[Crazylou1981]

Hi,

i have a 23 and 19 year old who live at home with my partner and his children 12 &14.
my 23 year doesn’t really go out more of a gamer which results in needing him to be asked to be quiet. He is meant to be off at midnight. I have hammered down on this recently

my other child is refusing to come home at 11 in the week as he needs to be out with his friends. This can be any time between midnight and 4am. They are not always the quietest either by banging doors or cooking. He lives 50/50 between me and their dad. The lateness has worsened since passing their test and dad buying a car. Dad and I are no contact due to Domestic abuse.

Aibu to ask for him to be home at 11pm Sunday-Thursday.

regards,

crazy

Yes, because of the noise he makes. If he can't keep quiet after midnight i.e. use headphones and no shouting, then too right she can tell him to stop playing on his computer.

I get up for work at 5.00 a.m., if someone in the house was constantly waking me up, I'd sure as fuck be having words and if they didn't like it, they can go and live with their dad

Are they paying rent? If so, they shouldn't have curfews but need to be respectful of other household members. If they can't be, they should leave.
If they don't pay rent they should abide by House rules.

YABU to the 23 year old too

Your home, your rules. In a mixed age household it isn't unreasonable to expect noise to be kept down from 11pm onwards. Your dc are acting as though they are in student digs, not a family home.

Your 19 year old is not a child. They absolutely need to be considerate when they come home but they shouldn’t have a curfew.

Tell them to keep it down but you cant tell them what to do they are adults.
I have a 19 year old and soon to be 21 year old i dont give them times to be home or stop doing things they are adult men now.(Plus mine have moved out)
You cant parent adults.
When they come to mine i have 2 rules that ive had all their lifes that still stand now. Respect me respect my home or get the fuck out.

The noise and failure to pay his way I wouldn't put up with, he'd be told to go and live with his dad, but the worrying whenever he's out is your issue rather than his and you need to find a way of dealing with it.

I agree the waking everyone up needs to be addressed but 11pm curfew for a 19 year old is ridiculous.

Am I the only one that thinks the 19 and 23 year old are being unreasonable and should have rules living at home? I’m sorry but if my husband who is 35 was coming in at all hours of the morning I would be telling him it’s waking me up and disrespectful to be noisy coming in at 4am and to limit how often he does.

23 year old should be able to play computer to whenever they want - providing they are quiet. If they are noisy and keeping people awake I don’t see why you can’t tell them to be quiet. 19 year old can do what they want but should be quiet when coming in, yes they shouldn’t have a curfew but if they are repeatedly being disrespectful and waking everyone up then yes they should be told to pack it in

do either of them have jobs? They must be shattered up to all hours if they have work next day !

The problem isn't the noise he makes. The problem is a purported 'adult' who still lives with mummy and daddy and plays on his computer every night at the age of 23. I'm astonished at the infantilisation of so many adult children I read about on here, and how many parents enable it.

I think this epidemic of failure to launch is going to have huge effects down the line.

Mine have to be quiet, I text them if I can hear gaming or talking past 11pm - this we think is fair, but we don't tell them they have to turn it off. Similarly they have to be quiet coming home late, but I'd never say when they had to be in by

What would you suggest someone does in this case?
My kids are younger than this (17 and 14) but I do worry about failure to launch.

I agree he shouldn’t be on computer to all hours but I think in this day and age 23 and living at home is quite normal. Unfortunately with the amount of money it is to rent and mortage. Many 20 year olds would LOVE their own place. But can’t afford too

Why on earth can't you? Just because they are 19 it doesn't mean that that they can do whatever they want. Actually they could,in their own home.

YABU 11pm for a 19 year old?? He's 19 yes it's your house your rules but he is an adult who can't afford to move out like every other young person these days! Don't give him a curfew just ask him to be quiet when he comes in!!
You'll miss him when he does eventually leave op just leave him be have a friendly chat and just ask him to be quiet that's all..

Everyone should learn the subtle art of coming home and getting to bed without waking the household. Your sons may go on to have housemates/partners/children whose need for sleep will trump the men's desire to clatter around in the small hours.

I would say he's already an entitled little shit and doesn't even deserve the title of an adult. He had no respect for anyone else living there. Why would you think it's ok to come home banging around late at night - because you think you are entitled to!

You are unreasonable to try to dictate how your adult children live their life.

However, while they are living in your house they need to ensure that their lifestyle choices don't impact on other members of the household.

So the gamer needs to buy headphones and stop yelling at the screen once the younger ones are in bed. The stop-out needs to come in and move around quietly. You are not at all unreasonable to insist on basic courtesy.

I am in this same scenario.

DS is 22. He does work, but it's shifts, some days, some nights, but it pays nowhere near enough to afford to move out. So if he has com in from work at midnight, and is not due in again until 5 the following day, then he will often XBox during the night to catch-up with his cyber friends in different time zones.

I don't give two hoots about him doing it. He doesn't disturb me and as long as he is up, showered and ready to go to work on time the following day, he can do what he wants.

Why is that infantising him?

Although I've said curfews are ridiculous, DS19 does seem to have a bit of an attitude based on OPs update. Even if its just a small amount, he should be paying you something, and if he won't, and won't treat the house and its occupants with respect, he will need to explore other opportunities.

But being the homeowner isn't a license to reasonably act like a little Hitler.

😂😂. No only entitled little twits who were never told no and were allowed to rule the roost would go NC in those circumstances. Asking for a bit of respect for others in the house isn’t unreasonable.

Perhaps instead of spending all his free time gaming he could look for a better paid job or a second job so that he can save up to move out. That, however, would require more effort than he appears to be up for.

Bar Summers etc I wasn't living at home at 19 but there is no way my parents would have put up with it.

If she wants to be out until 4am she needs to be quiet coming in. Same with the 23yr old tell her no noise after 11pm. There are two actual children living in the house who have school also you want your sleep too

Your house, your rules. They’re adults and way old enough to leave home if they don’t like it.

I left home younger than that as I needed to be up early and my folks were coming in at all hours being noisy 🫣🤣

It’s not about controlling a 19 year old, it’s about expecting some respect from him. The rest of the household have a right to expect not to be woken by someone coming in noisily late at night or during the early hours of the morning. He’s old enough to understand this and if he’s not able to be respectful then he needs to live elsewhere.